The Thirteenth of April 2010. It's why I've got to be Me

This is about my mother and me, my two brothers both older making me the baby of the family. My Mother had three sisters and two brothers (one who died when he was 3 months old). My Mother  sister's and brother were very close, all of my cousin's were considered as family they might not see it that way. Mom and I did, Mom loved all of them the way she put it was; " I don't love anyone the most I've just loved them longer, that all." In a way it was almost like I had 13 brothers and 8 sisters. Some lived with us from time to time, some I didn't see very much they were still part of what Mom called our family. This has gotten much longer than I intended, but it is what it is, and it's part of why I've got to be me.

My Mother was 79 years old and had a grocery list of health problems. Mom would share what was happening with everybody as long as it was good, news and or funny. Getting her to talk about herself didn't happen she was a master of changing the subject. As her health problems began to take a toll on her body, time was a commodity she didn't have much of. We each knew including Mom that if she got sick, her body was not likely to recover. Her mind and will were as strong as ever.  Now this wasn't information Mom wanted shared, my brothers are much stronger than I am. I asked her don't you think some of the family has a right to know? "No and I don't want you to share my health information with the family or my friends, if your asked how I am just tell them I'm fine!" I'm not going lie to them they'll never forgive! She told me; "This is going to be very hard on you I know but I don't want any one's last visit or memory with me to be one of watching me dieing. What I really want is for each person to remember me the way I lived and as they remember me. I don't want anyone to mourn me before I'm dead." I would do as she asked but told her "I'm not going to lie I'll tell them "you said your fine" that way it's your lie not mine, after your gone all bet's and deals are off!" Mom said "That's good enough for me!" It's the way she wanted it so I did as she asked. After she passed I told all who asked me the truth, many of her dear and oldest friends said  it sounds just like her and come to think of it I don't remember her sharing any bad news or talking about herself. My mom did tell everybody about my M.S. because she was so proud of how I was handling it and she worried about me too much! 

My Mom was my best friend, at times my only friend each time I felt hopeless and lost she was the one I talked to the most. She didn't judge me or try to fix it for me, she would help me to see it for that it was, a choice only I should make. She offered me the tools and advice to help me but never told me what I should do. Reminding me always it's my life to live and every choice I make is a path not taken and that no matter what choice I made, she loved me.  She didn't agree with some of the choices I made of course. I'm not her, she didn't rise me to be just like her or anyone else! I don't mind when someone tells me I'm just like her, I do consider that high praise even though I know it's not true. People say that's something your Mother would say, yes that's very true. I'm not going to apologize for that she's my mother. Having listened to her wisdom that was right on most of the time, all of my life some of it's bound to stick!


When I was helping Mom pack up her house, A three bedroom house that she had lived in for over 60 years her Mother had purchased it in 1945. The memories were the hardest part for her. Thankfully all I had to pack were the things she had. She had to pack her memories and said; "It's a good thing I only hold on to the good ones! No baggage to luge around!" We talked about her mother a lot she died before I was born. We talked about how the house has always been referred to as  "2932". I asked her if she had any second thoughts? She said "Oh no it's about time I let this go, it's just more house than I need, and now everyone can stop worrying about me falling down the stair's that, I have never falling down in my life but I won't miss them not one bit!"


As we were finishing up, Mom stopped and got very quiet and asked me do you think your like me? In some way's kind of in others not so much. Mom your my best friend and I love you very much, but I've got to be me the person I'm meant to be. As long as I have choices I've got to be me, our life's experience are so different from each other, you have been the best teacher I've had and I'm very glad your my Mother. Mom didn't say anything for a while then said "You skipped a generation your more like my Mom then me." She didn't seem unhappy about it. Then she told me; "You listen to everything and mull it over and mix it all up and make it your own." I told her "Yep! that's what makes me the individual you taught me to be, similar maybe just not the same." My Mom and I could and did talk about everything and nothing for hours at a time. I loved that she would tell me something she had told me before and it was exactly the same as the first time she told it to me.


As a child just like most kids I asked my Mom why a lot. Her answer 90% of the time was; what do you think the reason why is? When I wanted to know that a word meant she didn't tell me what she thought or knew it meant. Instead she told me I'm not sure look it up in the dictionary. Telling her I can't spell didn't work, you can read it right? So what's the first letter start from there and read the words until you find that word. So you see she didn't answer my questions or do it for me. Instead she gave me the tools I needed to figure things out for myself, then draw my own conclusions from what I had learned. The tools she gave me will last a lifetime and I've gained more for my own life experiences. What I've learned is tools teach me how to find the questions I want answers for. When being told the answer to a question I don't learn anything, I just know that someone told me what they think the answer is! Most answers end up creating more questions anyway! That's one of the reasons why I am always myself and just not like anyone else.


My Mom got sick in March of 2010 with the flu. That when she went into the hospital for the last time. The night my Mom passed away I was sleeping in my chair and woke up with an overwhelming feeling that I needed to do something. But I couldn't find anything I had forgotten to do. So I sat down in my chair again, looking out the window I could see lightning from a storm moving in from the southwest, it was shorty after 3:00am when I heard the first thunder in a short period of time, it became a very loud thunderstorm that lit up the night sky, I watched it until I couldn't hear the thunder anymore I went to sleep.  Around 5:00am my brother called telling me Mom is playing with her sisters in heaven. I found out later she had passed away around 3:30am, that's when the thunderstorm was at it's loudest. Later after a another thunderstorm had come and gone I wrote this.

A thunderstorm brings peace

The hardest day in my life was the day my Mom died

I wasn't sad, more relieved her life had become so complicated

She has always been my rock and her love never wavered

She always had a positive attitude and whenever obstacle's littered her

path; she didn't walk around them, instead she worked her way though

them all.

She wasn't one to make mountains out of molehills

She preferred to live and let live

She didn't want anyone to worry or fuss over her

Living her life in control of her choices,

when attempting to accept that she needed help,

wasn't a role she was familiar with or cared for much!

She knew it was essential and handled it the best she could

As her night came a thunderstorm rolled in

She went to see what the ruckus was all about

As she did an Angel went home to heaven.

By Mary K. Mennenga  

  If you've managed to get through this let me know what you think, besides the fact it's so every long.   

THINGS I JUST CAN'T OR DON'T UNDERSTAND

Why do people say one thing, then turn around and do the opposite?
Why is it when people say I hate it when someone does this or that to me! But then turns around and does the same thing to some one else?

When a person tells me they are sorry and at the time it's seems to be genuinely sincere, about something they did or didn't do that they had said they would or wouldn't do. My telling that person not to worry about it and that it's okay I understand it happens some times. Does that mean I'm okay with being treated that way and having my feeling disregarded, by someone I care about. No and when it happens again and I allow myself to be played for a fool a second time the blame is on me and no one else!

There are to two statements a few people say and use so often that both have lost value and meaning. The first is I love you and the second is I'm sorry or so sorry, now when I hear either of them said repeatedly without any action to backup or show that the words have any real meaning to them. Sorry but repetition does not make a statement true.

It's like when people greet you by saying Hi! how are you? Now yes a few people do want to know how you are. What I've learned is that 90% of them don't really want you to tell them. It's just a greeting most of us say oh I'm fine and how are you! It's a make someone feel good kind of greeting.

What I do understand  is that words have power. Why is it that people continue to take the power out of words by saying them without really meaning them. If it makes you feel better about yourself to say words you don't truly mean, that's okay by me. Just don't be surprised when I stop believing that the words you do say have any real meaning.
Fool me once shame on you! Fool me twice shame on ME!

Most of you that visit my blog know I don't sound off about stuff like this. Yes I know it's Christmas time and I should be saying up lifting stuff. I've got to be me, I'll explain that in my next posting. After over 30 years its time for me to say enough is enough. I'm nice to everyone I met yes even ants and mice. Now I really don't mind them outside but inside my house that is the only exception.  Out they must go alive or dead they will not live with me for long! We all have a line in the sand, this just happens to be mine.

A WARNING WINTER AND SNOW ARE!

Something I think everyone likes to look at, it covers the dirt and makes everything look clean and fresh. Except for the people who have to move it out of the way, while trying to stay warm the whole time your working on moving the snow out of the way. Meaning your going to sweat a lot so now your warm and wet, without all the stuff to keep you warm you'd be freezing after 3 minutes and get nothing done. The way I choose to look at is I don't need a gym membership in the winter. Because I stretch out before I start shoveling as I work and after I'm done shoveling, yes I know it may make me look silly, I don't worry about what anyone may think. Because anyone who's shoveled knows it's one hell of a workout and the last thing I need is a heart attack. Many people have had heart attacks after shoveling even very healthy people. Because after just sitting around they get up and shovel come back in and just sit right back down. Without allowing the body to recover and cool down after a mostly upper body workout that puts a strain on your heart. Knowing you would never do that after woking out at the gym, Right? Some of you may know this already, my question is do you treat as a workout or not?

SNOW ISN'T A BIG DEAL IN MINNESOTA MOST OF THE TIME!

     Now when it's the fifth largest snow fall on record. After about 9" fall in 4 or 5 hours all the cars that could get unstuck are gone, the unlucky ones that just couldn't get out, in a short time the car is just another mound of snow. It becomes very peaceful in the city, watching the birds at the bird feeders that I had to fill twice in less than 8 hours, I think they tell each other who still has food. Watching people cross-county skiing to the store down the street is no surprise because we know it's open because they can't go anywhere so they just stay open. I did my best to keep up with the falling snow, until the wind started blowing at 20 miles per hour with gusts up to 40 MPH. It was time to just let it blow knowing the battle with the snow is over for now.
     Watching the snow blowing everywhere from the comfort of the easy chair it's so peaceful with everything covered in a blanket of white. Later the wind began to lose it's power or maybe it's run out snow to blow. It's finally stops snowing, now the war against the snow will be won it's just a matter of time before my paths are walk ways again. With neighbor helping neighbor it seem like in no time at all everyone can get out. Even if in reality it took more than 5 hours to get it done. We normally don't get this much snow so early in the season. Winter hasn't even started yet Dec. 21 isn't far away so knowing there will be more snow I take a day off from moving snow. A bit more rested now it's time to make room for the snow that I know is yet to come. So moving the snow I already have, further back into the yard that is already at it's highest point 6 feet high and the lowest is 2 feet high and knowing it's not going to melt any time soon, if we're lucky maybe by April if not for sure sometime in  May. Living here if you don't have a sense of humor about winter it's going to be a very very long winter. Maybe that's why even when the worst of the snowstorm's hit, most of the bars are open and show a good profit!
     People call us "Minnesota nice" considering in the winter we tend to have the coldest high temperature in the lower 48 states of the U.S.A. and tend to stay below freezing for most of the winter that hasn't even started yet. What people don't understand is each person who lives here can tell at least one story of how someone helped them get through a snowstorm, flood, tornado I myself have many of each. By about February most of what you hear is people talking about moving to anywhere but here! Then when spring comes and the grass is green and all is in bloom Mother nature is forgiven.

CHRISTMAS Spirit and Doing CHRISTMAS?

The spirit of Christmas isn't a once a year thing. The way I look at it, it's an act of faith, love and being kind to everyone. Not because you have to or because it's the right thing to do, so people think your a good person! It's not a thing you need to think about doing it's who you are. You don't do it for gain or praise, or because you feel someone can't do it themselves. It's something that needed doing so you did it and now it's done. So no one needs to worry about it anymore, because it's out of the way.  Random acts of kindness can be done everyday for no reason at all it's a kindness nothing more. It's like giving a free gift to yourself each time you share a kindness, just like on Christmas. 

Doing Christmas is different there's a time table and it all needs to come together before December 25th. I'll admit I love looking at the fruits of your labor it's beautiful, most years I do that too. It's so festive the shining lights the scenes lighten the heart making the world a beautiful spot to be, no matter if it's on a blanket of snow or not. It's a gift you share with everyone who drives by or comes by to enjoy it along with you. That is doing and showing the spirit of Christmas that's for sure, I for one want to Thank you for the light's you shine on a dark night. 

At times the doing part of Christmas isn't something I'm up to doing, it doesn't mean I don't have the spirit because I do! Maybe I'm just being lazy, no it isn't that not really. I've got other thing's I want to get done. You all know the doing part of Christmas takes time and work. Things that need to be done are put on hold until the holidays are over. This is only the second year in my life, that I haven't done the do Christmas thing. Do I have a reason for not doing the Christmas thing? Not really, unless you count the putting up, then trying to keep already dying tree for losing all it's needles before the the first of January. Then taking down, packing it all up then putting them away all in less then 7~8 weeks!

Having never put it down on paper, now I see why this year I didn't do it. Next year I will and try to make up for not doing it this year, so it's all good! 

WORKOUT, CONTROL? NOT SO MUCH..

Things don't workout the way I want most of the time, now that's okay because things, do tend to workout the way their suppose to. Realizing finally I'm not in control of anyone except myself. How anyone is going to react to what I say or do isn't within my control. However the way I frame what and how I share information is very much within my control! When my emotions aren't held in check, which happens more often than I'd like to admit even to myself. My immediate reaction to information is an emotional one, it's hard to hear the truth. Later realizing I wasn't looking at the impact my reactions could have on others. Without understanding that what I was doing, could and did hurt and effect people in a negative way. I didn't set out to hurt anyone and I'm not apologizing for things I don't control or for my immediate emotional reaction. I'm requesting understanding because, no matter how old I live to be I'll continue making mistakes and to learn from them. It's how I  will grow into the person I want to be.

#7 Reflection When you truly love

When you truly love

By Mary K. Mennenga

It's given freely without conditions or limitations

Because it's a gift not given for gain

The only risk is yours by opening yourself up to someone

Showing how precious that person is to you

Understanding love isn't blind what love gives you

Is the ability to see past flaws accepting people just as they are

Love doesn't make you vulnerable it's what makes you human

With your heart comes Love, with your mind comes understanding

With both parts working as one you gain wisdom learning Compassion is what feeds your soul 

SO YOU THINK DOING X-MAS TAKES CHRIST OUT OF CHRISTMAS?

Taking Christ out of Christmas is really much harder then you may think! The use of the letter X means; 1.Christ 2.Christian, so useing X-mas is only an abbreviation for Christmas. For me no matter how it's written, the spirit of Christmas, is about not what I get or how much the gift I give costs or the amount of time it took me to find just the right gift. It's about the giving that's done from the inside this can and sometimes does costs more, than the price of the most expensive gift I've ever given. To me the very best gift I've ever received is the gift God gave to everyone! Love, hope and grace in the form of his only begotten Son. About the cost of this gift we have all been given, accepting it is only the first step, sharing the love with everyone without judgement or condition the same way it was given to you. Remembering I'm flawed making me unqualified to judge anyone and if I stand in judgement of anyone so shall I also be judged, I do my best not to do that trying to just live and let live knowing we are all flawed. Realizing I'm doing the best I can with what I've got, just like every body else.

GLUE

In every group of people there seems to be that one person, who I'm going to call Glue. Who is the one that holds all the different personalities together. When Glue isn't there for whatever reason, the group become dysfunctional why is that? What makes that one person so important?
     Is it because Glue is so loved by everyone in the group. That each person is willing set a side their differences and to play nicely with one other, at times not saying what you really think or feel. Instead holding back so Glue won't get upset because of friction within the group. The group works as a team not letting the little things get in the way of visiting with Glue.
     I'm very sure Glue saw it for what it was, and was very happy the group was willing to do this for Glue's sake. Glue was very smart and was willing to take what Glue could get sometimes even if it was a bit of an illusion, Glue didn't mind Glue just missed things the way it used to be before some of the first members had gone, that's all.
     Glue knew the group had changed as all things and people do over time. Glue knew everyone in the group loved Glue very much and Glue loved everyone very much. This does not mean the members of this group don't love and care for each other because I'm very sure we all do. With each being raised by very strong willed and independent people it's the history we all share together that will always unite this group. Knowing if needed the group will always be there to support each other. Plainly put basis don't change! 

Tis the season of change and of Hope and Joy

     As the cold north winds of November, start blowing across Minnesota. Having had the first snow of the season a short time ago, the changing from fall to winter has begun. When the amount time spent outside depends, on how many layers of clothing I'm wearing and not how much I have yet to do, before the winter snow covers everything in a blanket of white. It's the time for replacing rakes with shovels, lawnmowers with snow-blowers. Garden gloves are put away until white is replaced with green once more.
     It's no mistake I'm sure, that the holidays come this time of year. To distract me just enough so I don't notice or mind, that my little spot of the world has gone to sleep or so it seems. Now I've gone from trying to keeping the heat out to trying to keep the heat in.
     With the coming of the New Year. The memories made this year are more good with only a few being sad. As for the bad just aren't worth holding on to, so I don't!
     Having to say goodbye to my Mother in April. Missing her isn't anything I need to get over or work through, it's just the way life works. Knowing she is free and reunited with her family and friends, everything is as it's should to be. For me being able to feel her love surrounding me is more than good enough for me. As she told me many times "Dying is just the last piece of living we have to get done. Now if you don't handle it well then I didn't do a good job of teaching about life! Did I." So I will miss her and life does go on, just as she told me it would. 

A gift Mom made

I've learned since my mother passed away

That she has given me a gift

I didn't know she had been making for me

 Or that she had started it even before I was born

Now whenever I think of her

I can feel the blanket she made

Of love surrounding me

Best part about is that I am not alone

I know she made one for everyone who loved her

Because that's the way she has always been

Mom didn't love anyone the most

Mom only loved them longer

That's all!

As for my brother's and me

She was the first person to love us

Even before we were born

I truly believe Love is the most powerful emotion.

Because of it's ability to heal the soul.   

About why I've been negative lately

     I try not to dwell on the negative, the majority of the time I'm a glass half full kind of person. But for awhile I've been a bit down, according to a very few I've been in a deep well of despair. On Sept. 27 I saw my doctor he told me the MRI showed a very large number of legions scaring. That there isn't anything that can be done to stop my double vision from getting worst. I've had  it for over fifteen years, over time it's gotten worst the images keep getting farther apart making reading almost impossible without magnify it 150%. Thank goodness for computers making it much easier to read, watching television or movies that changes images by jumping from scene to scene gives me a headache the pain from it affects  my vision even more. So I'll listen and use my imagination to fill in the parts I can't watch. Knowing nothing can be done fix it,  I got depressed and very negative about everything.
     Until Wednesday a doctor from the research study group I'm a part of, called and was very surprised when I answered the phone. He told me it was rare for a person with the amount of scaring (legions) I have to have no active legions, as well as my apparent and now obvious ability of higher function (walking,talking). He had many questions we talked for a long time. He told me the reason for calling was to request permission from my caregiver to keep me in the study group.
     This is the best news I've gotten in a very long time! I sat there after we hung up, inside I was jumping up and down and running throughout house, I'm not physically able to that. I'm soaking all of this information in I'm still processing it. I've got to stay on top of other things that are wrong, and continue to do all I can to minimize the effect all of it has on the rest of my life.
    Some Q & A: Q:Will I get what I've lost back? A:No. Q:Will a Lose any more ability's? A:Time will tell if or when it becomes active again. Q:Is there anything you can do to prevent it from becoming active again?  A:Yes and no, by not getting sick or getting an infection, it's unclear how long it will last or why it stop.
     I'm just very happy and now understand why I've been able to sleep for more than 4 hours without waking up with nothing working and having my muscles so tight I can't move them or even think about moving because it just makes them even tighter. For the first time in many years, I've slept for eight hours all at the same time 3 times and didn't wake up racked with pain and with every muscle seeming to be trying to pull me apart. Do I think God answers our prayers? absolutely positively yes, Thank you so much to everyone for sending good thoughts my way and or praying for me.

Friendship And The Loss of Hope

Is the best way to keep a friendship...

...To not talk about what you believe?

...To not talk about anything but what you both agree on?

...To hide your pain and fear's as well as your dreams and joy?

...To share only what is safe, and can't be misunderstood or taken in a negative way?

...To keep your distance so you don't get too close that your feeling show?

...To tell only what you think they want to hear?

...Don't ask what they think about something it may make them uncomfortable?

...Talk about the weather, sharing how you feel about it can be risky so be careful?

...If you don't hear from them for some time only call once!

...You don't want to bother or upset them!

...If you don't hear from them again don't worry, not everyone going to like you

...They aren't willing to take any risk, it's better to just let them go

I believe any kind of  friendship requires that risk's are taken by both people, a willingness to accept that each point of view isn't right or wrong it's just how they each see it. Understanding when it become about only who is right and who is wrong and neither one is willing to accept it's not about winning or losing.  It's understanding each other's right to disagree. If two friends can't set a side their differences and see the possibility of compromise and understanding. That's when  you see a possible future without compromise or understanding. When people live in fear, when money is more important then compassion and hope.

HAND-ME-DOWNS

     As a kid 4~11 years old my family consisted of my Mom,Dad and my 2 brother's and me, our Aunt's,Uncle's and cousin's, as well as friend's and their children. My mom was affectionately called Auntie by many. Our house never seemed to be empty, people came and went all the time. To me it was always filled with love and mom could always find room, for one or more. At times some had the floor for a bed but no one seemed to mind. With one bathroom, learning to share was the first lesson we all learned. Everyone shared what they had and no one did without. Anything that was no longer used was offered to anyone who needed or wanted it or knew someone who could use it. 
     I don't think any of us thought of each other as an extended family we have always been family, so growing up I really did have a big family. Having that many kid's in the hand-me-down pool was great and being the youngest girl did have it's advantages.
     I know some people don't care for hand-me-downs but I loved them as a kid and still do. We had more boy's then girl's. Lucky for me, one of my Auntie had two daughter's and both had great taste in clothes throughout my life that's where most of my hand-me-downs came from. Across the ally from our house was a wonderful older woman who was a seamstress and did the alterations to most of my hand-me-downs and make some of my dresses and clothes too they all fit great. One day I was over to pick up and pay her for the alternations she had finished, as she was doing some final touches to a pair of pants. She told me about a disagreement she once had with her husband, he had told her she owned him. She went into her sewing room, pulled out her little note pad that was her record, of what she earned from the seamstress's work she did. Totaled it up walked back into the room he was in, put it in front of him and informed him "no mister you own me 10,000.00 dollars." To say she was a strong woman would be an understatement she was fierce, in the best of way's. Now this happened long before I was born. As she finished the pants she reached over and pick up a small note book and said that will be $3.50 after I handed her the money she marked it paid.
     The two of them were so sweet to all of us kids. Her husband always had wonderful stories and didn't seem to mind my always asking him questions. My favorite question was and still is why? 
     Many years later when my mom got hand-me-downs from family and friends she give me the first pick at what she had, before she took them to church for the rummage sale. For most of my life the majority of my clothes have been hand-me-downs. After I started high school, every year for Christmas I knew my Auntie would give pajamas and from my mom she gave me underwear and sock's and on my birthday I got a tee shirt from my Auntie.
     The hand-me-downs I've gotten over the year's, most were like brand new. The last hand-me-down jacket I was given was from my cousin's daughter that she had used for years. I've used it now for 13 years it's still in good shape, so I've pass it on this year. I can't remember the last time I purchased a winter coat. I don't think I'm cheap, all I've looked for was something to keep me warm, if it looked nice it's was a bonus. Now that I've paid for one, I know I never did thank her enough for it! My new one was 50% off and from last year, I really hope this one lasts as long as my hand-me down did. The last few years I've been getting my mom's hand-me-downs. Mom passed away in April now she's with all of her family and smiling down on all of us from heaven.
     I've been wearing other people's clothes for such a long time. It's about time I start wearing and buying my own clothes that are my style. Thank goodness for sales even on sale WOW! it's all good. I'll still wear hand-me-downs for around the house and out in the yard until I cut them up for rag's.
     A few are just a comfort, because who's hand-me-down it was. It's like getting a hug the whole time I have it on. Hand-me-downs will always be apart of my wardrobe just not as big as it used to be.
     I do have a favorite hand-me-down it's a pair of pajamas hand-me-downed to my mom and then to me. They are over 18 years old and very dear to me, letting go of them someday will not be easy.

I CAME TO LEARN AND DO A BIT OF RESEARCH

What I've learned is that when money talks the truth ends up getting tossed. I didn't want it to be true but I can't deny the truth I've seen. Many of the things I didn't want to be true, the fact is they are nothing I do could or would change anything. I'm not upset really, I knew that with questions come answers and when I honestly looked at both side. What I found was more questions than answers. Now I haven't given up on hope, I have just decided that being a realists is the only way to live my life my way. It doesn't change who I am or what I believe, nor is it going to stop me from doing the best I can with what I've got to work with. It's just the way it is, love and compassion still live and hope really never dies as long as we have faith.

ARE WE BUYING INTO FEAR AND HATE!

Fear and hate have been the driving force behind, most of the wars that have been waged throughout human history. Why can't we just live and let live? Is it because we see things as, right or wrong? Are the one with the might always right? Because of their power and the ability and willingness to use force?

     Now don't get me wrong, I understand a few wars had legitimate reasons and the ends justified the means of why they needed to be fought. From my prospective, fear and hate seems to have replaced love and compassion. That yelling louder than anyone else seems to have replaced having an open debate, where listening and understanding each other's point of view. Without being demonized for not agreeing. Referring to some people as "those kind of people" as if they are beneath the person who is speaking. Has yelling so loudly that no one else can be heard, is that really freedom of speech?

OPENING UP ABOUT MYSELF, IN A WAY

     I've been told I need to write more about myself, to help people  understand why I write the way I do. I can talk about any thing or nothing to anybody, until it comes to my own feeling.  I don't tend to write about anything, until I've dealt with my emotions about it first. Mostly it's out of fear of being judged before I've finished dealing with and worked though my feelings. Weird maybe how I see it is, once it's become history, it's can't be changed there for it can't hurt me. What peoplethink about how I've handled it, isn't within my control.

Being judged by one moment and my immediate reaction to what is happening and what may or may not be how I really end up feeling. This of course is my way of making sure no one gets too close. By controlling my reaction and not sharing my basic feelings or emotions.  I prefer to talk about my history it's safer.  I don't like giving anyone a weapon that could be used against me!

So I tend to share what I think instead of that I feel.

EIGHTY YEARS AGO YESTERDAY!

     Was the day my Mother was born, she passed away in April this year. Losing the one person who loved me before I was born, isn't anything I need to get over or let go of. Because no matter where I go or what I do she'll always be apart of who I am. People do tend to say nice things about people who have died. Being her daughter I know all the wonderful things people have said about her were actually true. You see knowing her and seeing her letting down her guard,  honestly she really didn't have one. By not having one at times she got her feeling hurt of course, the odd thing was it never changed how she felt about them, she didn't hold grudges she would just say " They are doing the best they can with the hand they've been dealt and that all anyone can ask and that's good enough for me!"
     My Mom was always able to see the good in everyone, her faith was tested but never shaken. Her love for us will always be within us. 
   

I'm tired of hearing, no need for health care reform!

     Could we please take just a minute to stop and think in general terms. Do you feel the company you work for cares if you enjoy or care about the work you do? Is the company you work for more interested in making as much money as it can, instead of paying you a descent wage for the work you are doing? Are you afraid if you got sick the company may think of replacing or eliminating your job? Do you think your state government cares if public schools are funded? Last one, what's the effect of state government cutting your city budget's going to have on homeowners and you?
     Calling the biggest health care reform act in U.S. history, a government take over of health care. Wasn't as big as when for-profit health care insurance companies forced or pushed out of business non-profit health insurance companies. Oh maybe you didn't know about that one, remember blue cross & blue shield the last of the non-profit health insurance companies to go.  The way I see health care insurance companies are set up to make sure to keep costs low by finding ways of not paying claims, so the company making as much money as possible to keep shareholders happy and to keep stock value high. 
     Now tell me how can a company who's supposedly there to assist people with maintaining a healthy balance. But instead are making record profits, as the people they used to unsure are sick and dieing! And major hospitals are going broke, The health insurance companies will inform the hospital or provider it's approved a service as a covered service but as the bills and costs go up the insurance provider later finds and decides that the person may have lied or failed to fill out the application for health insurance completely even if the error didn't relate to what they were be treated for nor did the insurance company see it until after the first claim was filed. The insurance company keeps all the money the hospital tries to get payment from the person who now has had to file for bankruptcy so their family doesn't get stuck paying a bill, that the insurance company had said at first it would. Remember that with bankruptcy the debt isn't paid but forgiven so the hospital gets nothing but a piece of paper. So now the hospital has to go back and raise the price of all it's services to make up for what the insurance didn't pay after what at first said it would. Now the health insurance company has a reason the raise the cost of health insurance premiums, even though it was the cause of why the hospital needed to raise the price of all its services.
     The only choice for those who had paid for health insurance for most of their life. Is to be forced to try to get welfare or to get assistance from somewhere if their lucky. With all the years of paying your health insurance premiums what did you get? Not what you paid for that's for sure. Where did all that money go? Now don't you worry because it's safe and sound sitting in the profit margins of the health care insurance industry, or in the campaign funds of politicians that want to their words not mine (kill) the health care reform bill. Now that it's an act they want to repeal it. To me it seems that if your sick as I am, why don't you just hurry up and die already, now that may not be what they are really saying but that's what I'm hearing. 

TUESDAY WAS A GOOD DAY

Today was warm for this time of year, normally most of the leaves are off the trees by now and a cool breezy greets as you open the door. One year ago we were shoveling two inches of snow. This year the seasons have been just a bit off. Of course had the spring floods, it got hot early then 3 weeks later it was cold. It was almost like nature decided not to change the season's but mix it all up 3 weeks cold then 4 weeks hot back and forth it went, the garden tryed very hard to grow but too hot to soon and no rain back into the cold and to much rain. Adding insult to injury just as the crops were to come in fall flooding that isn't something we deal with very often flooding fields, roads and towns, it's a mess to be sure.

Maybe winter will calm down a bit (who am I kidding) last winter we had 2 inch's of rain around Christmas and froze hard going from 40 down to 28 the next day, the ice didn't go away until March. So I'll take the good with the bad realizing I'm not in control of anything but my choices and at times even that can be called into question. I still see the glass half full even then at times it's almost empty.

IF WE ARE SO SMART! TRY LISTENING

     How smart are we really? That we allow history to repeat it's over and over again as greed over takes sound judgment. A free market only works for everyone if checks and balances are in place to pervent greed from becoming the drive force behind the gains it makes. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. When people only Look at way's to take all they can get, instead of doing the right thing
 for everyone. Doing the right thing is always harder, when making money is the only driving force of why your in business.
     It doesn't matter if you're left or right wing or somewhere in between. Listen closely to what some will try to call the fact's. Whenever you hear statements like these: "a source close to" or "it's been reported","I was told this by someone I trust off the record"and lastly "I've got the proof right here". It seem to me that no matter the source of the information. If the person isn't willing to give a way to verify and confirm the information they are calling the truth. That may or may not be supported by the fact's of public records that can seen and or researched, or is it just the person intreption of the information they heard or been given to support their argument. We tend to trust what supports your view sometimes blindly, we must be willing to look at all sides of issues and take the time to understand it, could we be letting our fear's over ride our ability to reason. Allowing Fear a very strong emotion, to take control over you fear of something not fully understood has been used in histroy over and over again to control the many to hurt the few.
     One more question if a government can't buy stock in a company to help save thousands of jobs in it's our country how is this a bad thing?
     About trusting the stockmarket history has shown us that it has, can, and will be manipulated again and again. Because it's controled by the amount of faith people have in something that decides the value of it, now if you still believe your money is safe in the hands of wallstreet you can go ahead and keep it there if you want too. Each time the stockmarket has crashed the recovery is slower then the last one because people become saver's and spend only that they have to spare, no one like's to get caught with their pant's down!
    "A lie gets half way around before the truth has a chance to get its pants on" Winston Churchill (1869-1948)