Living within my changing limitations.

Is working out good for me, I'm not missing out and my life isn't dull. Finding I'm happier and healthier by not pushing past the point of what I'm capable of, because the price is too high. Learning I have more time then energy, pushing pass the pain to get a task done sooner only makes my recovery time so much longer ranging from weeks to as long as a month instead hours to a day maybe two. By doing what I'm able to knowing I'll get done what needs doing. Having stopped living on a time table I'll admit was of my own making. Kind of silly with limitations that are  changing to set time table's, when I'm not sure what I'll have to work with the next day, finding a balance isn't always easy, if I don't at least try I'll end up on a the M.S. roller coaster ride, that's hard to get off. So I have fun by being more able to do most of things I enjoy. Within the progression of M.S. and getting older, I'll push a bit too far to fast and pay for it. The difference now is I don't get back on the M.S. roller coaster, by slowing down a bit and learning what my new limitations are and begin working within them. Doing this is really helping me enjoy the little things that turn out to be the big things. The things I can't do are increasing, however what I'm able to do with what I got to work with, is growing by learning new and different ways of doing things, it will take longer I've got the time, to learn how to use the energy I have more efficiently. Makes more room for the fun stuff I love doing. Yes M.S. has slowed me down faster than just getting older has that's true enough, but it's also showed me wonders I would have never seen. Like watching a bud growing into a flower. Seeing a baby bird that failed to fly and watching as other birds bring it food showing it how to hop up into to a bush for safety at night, to seeing it take it's first flight, hearing birds seemly praise it as it flies into the tree to join them. Little things that I would have never had the time to notice, if not for M.S. my focus has changed from what has been taken from me, to all I've gained in spite of what M.S. and aging have taken from me. So far life been a learning experience of all I don't know and trust me that's a heck of a lot! Are all the things I've learned important Nope most just make me smile.

It's not about what I can't do anymore

It's about what I'm able to do with what I have to work with

Before I end yes, there always is a balance of good verses bad and light and dark. For  me I take the lessons learned from both and find my balance. 

     

Garden grow! Had a lamb! The future?

Being named Mary I've heard that one all of my life. This has been my answer and it true this year too, with one small change with the lack of snow. The frost killed it the rain froze it and I haven't planted it yet. As for Mary had a little lamb? Answer; And the Doctor was surprised!
The weather has been warm. Living and planting here in Minnesota most of my life and forced to replant due to frost so many times over the years. No matter that this year has been really warm but, it's still Minnesota and the temperature can still dip down into the low 30's. So far it's happened 3 times this spring. So I'll wait to plant until the time is right, for one night in the 30's will set my plants back a week or more. 


Getting ready to visit Jane's sister Char on Saturday we'll be in Pennsylvania for five days and will be able to watch the Kentucky Derby I love seeing the horses. Three days later is my 50 Birthday Jane and I are taking Char and her son out to dinner just the four of us, it will be fun both are very nice and easy to be around. All I have to do is not stress myself out before we leave, I'm getting better at this. Even so I'm planning on staying closer to home after this trip. There really is no place like home. When we get home I'll put the garden in and watch it grow.


Been enjoying my memories of life so far, all the love shared with my family and friends. All the fun and laughter that out numbered all tears. The pranks pulled and joke told that still make me smile. The lessons learned, questions answered and then questioned. Understanding that it's up to me to shape the year's to come, life is a journey with twists and turns that for sure. Maybe I should start acting my age Na! It's just a number to mark the passage of time and nothing more. I'm truly enjoying the middle of life, more than willing toss the crappy parts out. You might be thinking is there anything, that I would change if I could? Nope not one thing  nor can I regret any of the choices I've made because at the time I made them, it was the best choice I could make of the options open to me at that time. When the time comes for my last goodbye no matter what ended my life, the cause of death will be from living.  This is from a post Learning... With a small prayer March 28,2011 It's how I end my prayer's each day  "When this day comes to it's ends please lord grant me rest, thank you lord for giving me this day it was a gift and I hope you'll grant me one more, if not I'll leave with no regrets, either way I'll see you when I wake. Amen"

The Last of My Written Reflections is Done!

I started keeping a journal in 1975 by 1987 the numbers of boxes and the information within became a risk. The weight alone would be a strain if I was going to move. Being in my mom house I knew they were safe, knowing she would never read them, but what if some else did? The thought sent a cold chill through my heart. Within the pages was many very raw feeling, from everything I had gone through so far in my life. Were meant only for me! What if I died or if I had succeeded in my attempts at suicide. What was I thinking? Only of myself, that for sure!

Having gained tools to handle and deal with what was within those pages. Taking one book at a time, saving the good and life changing events, lessons learned and a few things I hadn’t yet made peace with. Over the years I had started removing names allowing the pain to fade, seeing all that I was continuing to hold on to. It wasn’t helpful instead it was holding me back, watching as I let it go falling into the well of forgiveness and feeling my heart beating as if for the first time.

In 1989 I took a hard look at my part in screwing up my life and taking responsibility for the choices I made and how I had allowed others to treat me. Mom helped me see that playing the blame game wasn’t going to get me anywhere. There was never a doubt that she loved me. Mom knew I had been working on condensing my journals for years, and wanted to know what I had learned and what I was planning do with them now? Telling her I’ve made them into more of a way of reflecting on what I’ve learned, forgiving things people did that hurt me and forgiving myself for allowing it to happen! By removing the names and letting the pain go. Understanding it’s about the lessons that living life has taught me, making it what it is today. My written reflections I had no intension of sharing them with anyone but her.

When I was diagnosed with Multiply Sclerosis in 2001 Mom wanted me to write them out into the form their in now. In 2003 writing became harder and too painful to write much at all, I was still working. By the end of 2005 I had to stop working. In 2006 One trip to the emergency room without health insurance, it was time to move into the city, so I could start going to V.A. hospital. Mom was very glad we did, she worried so much about me. The landlords were friends, so it worked out good for everyone. Only 15 minutes from the V.A. very handy indeed.

Was given an old computer by our friends, when mom heard this she asked are you ready to get back to writing again? So I got back to writing. Mom was my editor with her 8^th grade education and my spelling it was good enough for the two of us. My losing the ability to drive and Moms health and eye sight declining, no one knew she was recognizing people by the sound of their voices. My brothers and I knew how bad her health problems were. This information she didn’t want shared with anyone, if asked tell them I’m fine and that’s what I did. She asked so little it was her choice if I disagreed to bad it wasn’t my choice to make. We had gotten through almost all of them. Then Mom asked me to write one about her, using her words and way of looking at the world and living her life. It’s on my blog; May 19, 2011 the title is Mother, Grandmother, Auntie and Friend.

She wanted me to make my writing into a book along with The Journey of Finding Myself and Living with Multiple Sclerosis or to get them published. That wasn't why I started writing them in the first place! Well I think posting them here is good enough.

Thank you to all who have read and or added your comments. This was the last thing my Mom Adele K. Mennenga wanted me to do and now that it’s done. Now I understand why she felt it was necessary for me to do this. To help me learn life is about the journey of living, no matter the hand life has dealt me. Teaching me how to find my own answers which only leads to more question

My Written Reflections

By Mary K. Mennenga

The list of titles

1.      A Dream

2.      My Dearest Love

3.      What I’ve Learned So far

4.      Without Hope

5.      Love Is Not Blind

6.      At What Cost

7.      When You Truly Love

8.      Why Do You…Why don’t you

9.      Life As I see It

10.  Why Not!

11.  To A Dear Friend

12.  Words

13.  The Truth About Guilt

14.  The Thing About Worry

15.  What Do You Really Mean?

16.  In The Span Of Life It’s The Middle That Matters

17.  This Is For The Few That Feel The Help Given Wasn’t Much Help At All

18.  An Ending Maybe Or Not

19.  Love As A Word And A Feeling

20.  How Things Workout

21. Did You Know

22.  The Bond Between Friends

23.  It’s Up To You

24.  It’s Odd, But Really Not So Much

25.  What Is It That Makes Pity So Painful?

26.  Making Assumption

27. You Being You Is Amazing

28.  A Thunderstorm Brings Peace

29.  The Step You’ve Taken Together Today

30.  When A Friendship Changes or Ends

31.  If You Could See Past Disability

32.  Fighting An Unseen Foe

33.  Misunderstanding It’s Not A Choice

34.  One Cold Wind

35.  Common Not All Are Capable

36. June 1980

37. One Man By Unsure

38. Win, Win

39. If I Had The Ability To Read Minds

40. Honey

41. Questions Don’t Mean Answers

42. Honesty-Dishonesty

43. Friends

44. Abilities, Capabilities and Choices!

45. Love Lost Hate Forever

46. It’s Happening Now

47. To Pitch Or Keep

48. Sharing The Depth Of Love

49. It’s Automatic

50. Friendships

51. Questions Of Faith Tested

52. Meaning The Most

53. Why is When…?

Why I titled my blog this way

 Wanting the title to have some flexibility. Because I've found life is fluid it changes in some spots it moves so fast, in others it's like standing still. Wanting my blog to grow and change a long with me. More importantly by remaining open, to all the possibility life has yet in store for me. 

So that is why it's titled: 

It is what it is, until it isn't what it once was.

Seeing that; I'm not the person I used to be nor am I the person I will be. Change is always happening and each day is a new day. Every choice made is a change that's been chosen.

# 31 Reflections If you could see past disability

If you could see past disability

By Mary K. Mennenga

To see the person

Who isn't willing to quit or given up

On living life, hope and love

Life is about

Making the most out of what I've got to work with

It's not about what I can no longer do

Instead it's learning new ways of working within the limitations

Living life has brought to all of us

Pride is a force that will need to be dealt with

It's one of the things that can defeat anyone

Remember I'm are still in control of my choices

Will I make mistakes of course that's how most learning gets done!

All I ask is your understanding that

If the reason you're helping is because you think you have to?

That kind of support feels more like pity to me

Instead of being something you want to do with me

Honestly pity is just another form of guilt

That has nothing to do with me

I'm part of the problem that makes M.S. invisible

Yep its true! This came as a shock to me, please give me a chance to try and explain what I mean. This is what I'm just beginning to understand about myself. When I'm attempting to tell people what M.S. is doing to me, knowing I look fine to them and many don't understand, telling me it's all in my head and their right just not in the way they meant it, people can't relate to what it does, for them it automatic they want to do anything and their bodies do it without them needing to think about it much at all. For them the lines of communication from the brain to the muscles and back again work's and yes I still remember when that was true for me as well. So understanding that's what M.S. does, isn't something they have experienced. Hell they don't even know how they do what they do half time anyway! Because they can't relate, I'm told to do what works for them (sound familiar?) and say, if your tired just take a nap! When I'm suffering from m.s. fatigue it isn't about needing sleep, I feel more like a dead battery what won't take a charge. When I do  take a nap as suggested I'll end up worst off then before! Because my brain and muscles aren't working as a team. Instead less than half of the messages from my brain to my muscles and my muscles telling my brain they're done aren't getting through. Making it feels like my own muscles are trying to pull my joints apart and not one of them is listening to me as I try and fail to get them to work together. That takes stress to a brand new level, as I slowly get my brain and muscles back under control for the most part. Now I'm back to where I was before I took the dam nap in the first place and now I'm running late! Still dealing with the stress from the one who said to take a nap. At this point I do wish they could live in my head for a minute, if they did maybe then they would understand but, more than likely they would come out stark raving mad!

Now this is the invisible part

How many people with m.s. tell anybody about the battles we fight every day just to function? Not many, well I don't anyway. What I do without even thinking, by the way I didn't know I was doing this until two weeks ago. Is to wear colors that  look good on me, I smile, laugh and ask people how they are before they can ask me. The little things I do without thinking like; opening my eye's, relaxing my face muscles. Lets face it there are a few things like bodily dysfunction's that even people who have them don't want to talk about! When people ask how I'm doing? I don't lie, when I say I'm fine because I am, the way I see it is I'm where I want to be with the people I want to be around and that's more important then what m.s. is doing to me every day.

The big one for me is when someone talks about the pain they are going through and tells me it nothing like what you go through every day, I nip that right away. Comparing one pain to another isn't the point, because understanding how pain can and does affect everything around me, doesn't make the pain they feel any less important to them. Knowing how pain can make even breathing seem almost impossible! If I don't want someone to dismiss my pain, how could I dismiss the pain their feeling. Knowing  just maybe I could help them in some way, to ease their suffering letting them know they aren't alone. 

The amount of pain suffered isn't important

It's the compassion learned from dealing with pain

That can make a difference for any one dealing with pain

Reflection # 24 It's odd, but really not so much.

It's odd, but really not so much

By Mary K. Mennenga

That the same Mother raised, my brother's and me

We each had a unique, independent, relationship with her

She raised us to be: independent, unique, individuals

We are that for sure! We do share a few similarities

One look at us will leave no doubt we are her children

In the words we say what we do and the way we treat others

It's easy to see how much we love her
Being raised to be independent our similarities do end

Each of us see, react and deal with life differently
She didn't raise us to be like her or anyone else
She didn't give each of us all the same tools
Rarely did she give us the answer for a question
Instead she gave us the tools to find our own answers
The answers she gave seemed to come with more questions  
By giving each one the tools she felt we needed
So we could be who we were meant to be
Her peals of wisdom were just that
We don't talk or get to together often
Much of what we did do was because we loved her
We are who she raised us to be
Independent and self-sufficient
She was proud of us
For staying true to ourselves
And for finding our own path to happiness
I was and will always be my Mom's baby girl
One day I hope to be known's as my Brother's Sister  

WBGT* Wet Bulb Globe Temperature Index

Started writting this on 6-24-2011

Thursday and Friday were hot with a heat index of 107 degrees, I know for some folks that maybe a normal high for where they live. Minnesota is known more for our cold and snow and after last winter with temperature well below zero for weeks at a time and that doesn't including the windchill factor. With the heat index that high I stayed inside with the A/C set at 78 degree's needless to say I didn't venture out at all. So I started thinking back to the best mistake I've made so far.

It was back in July of 1980 I had just graduated from High School and was waiting to hear about a full scholarship I was the first alternate on. The scholarship included paid on the job training, all classes as well as housing for up to 4 years to become a Forest Ranger, I had already meet all the requirements having worked for the Youth Conservation Corps in 1979 for six weeks and had passed the skill tests on conservation and plant identification, the only tests in my life I had or have gotten every answer a 100% right and  had been recommended by 2 crew leaders as well as the director and one of the ranger's that supervised work we had done. The last was a essay in at least 500 word on why I thought I would make a good Forest ranger. I knew the first six month's of the training would be in Washington State at a fire station and that my only human contact would more than likely be with the two trainers, after living through high school it sounded like haven to me anyway. So I didn't think for one minute that the person who got it would ever turn to down. I didn't want just a  job to pay the bills, I wanted a job I could be proud of having doing... Hell! I wanted the chance to become a Forest Ranger! Thinking I had no direction feeling lost and at my lowest point. The phone rang it was an Army recruiter long  story short,  I joined the U.S. Army serving the county. Now this fixed two problems I had at the same time. Now I had a job and a direction I could be proud of. Three weeks into my basic training, I called my mother that's when she told me the scholarship people had called, to let me know the scholarship was mine if I still wanted it. She let them know I had joined the Army. It was one of many paths I've not taken, I didn't and still don't regret my decision. Because it was the best choice I thought I had at the time I made it. At that time the only other choice I was told and believed I had was to find a job working for minimum wage for the rest of my life. Everything worked out the way it should. Learning a lesson that's still true today. Not everything I am told is the truth, when it come to that I capable of accomplishing and at times that also includes me! 

In less then 24 hours I was on a plane going to Basic training. When I got to Fort Jackson in South Carolina the Army used WBGT* index category for work and rest and being from Minnesota I'm very glad they did, it worked fairly will I only had heat exhaustion four or five times. So since I couldn't to much I decided to fix it so next year when it starts to get hot I'll have a guideline for next year, instead of relearning my lesson over again next year.

This is globe standard:                                                  My M.S
Category          Temperature           work / rest         work/rest
                1            78-81.9                     40  /  20              30/30 
(green)  2            82-84.9                    30  /  30              20/40
(yellow)3             85-87.9                    30  /  30              10/50
(red)     4             88-89.9                    20  /  40               5/55
(black) 5               > 90                         10  /  50               0/60

For each hour of work using this chart decrease work by 10 minutes and increase rest by 20 minutes, anything after 4 hours increase rest by one hour.

#21 Reflection Did you know?

Did you know?

By Mary K. Mennenga

Some of the best friends I've had have been animals

People may say that's sad but it's true

This is why

Their unable to hide what their true feelings are

They can't talk so they can't lie

If people would speak the truth

No one would have any reason to second-guess them

When their actions don't backup the words they have spoken



#20 Reflections How things workout

How things workout

By Mary K. Mennenga

Being disappointed in the way things work out

Is understandable but wanting the world to stop and let me off!

Yes it sounds good but if it did bummer!

It is what it is and nothing I do now will change it

All I can do is to be honest about how I feel

What happens next has never been within my control

History is funny that way I only get one shot at getting it right

The only things I have any control of are...

...My reactions to what comes my way

...How I handle life's ups and downs

...The way I treat people

..The way I allow people to treat me

...The words I say and how I say them

...The choices I make

Things not within my control

Everything and anyone!

# 9 Of my reflections Life as I see it

Life as I see it

By Mary Mennenga

Life isn't hard but living is a trial

That starts the first time we say "NO" to our parents

It's the first decision we make as a person

Parents can teach us that we have options

But where we go from there becomes a choice

This when we start learning that with choices comes consequences

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction

Now will we be negative or positive

Being negative is easy however it's much harder to over come

Being positive is a way of living looking forward

Negativity pushes everything away

Positivity draws everything toward it yet it repeals negativity

As with everything it depends on your prospective

And that's always relative

Learning... With a small prayer

Learning is the one thing I never want to stop doing. Needing to step outside myself, to challenge what I think I know,  understanding that I don't know what I don't know. Yes if you think about  how could anyone. Unless I think about questions about what I've been told the facts are, I really don't know. The only thing I know is what one person believes the facts are from the research they have done. Anyone can find fact's to reinforce what they think and feel the truth is because it was what they were looking for!

With all research if I only look for what supports what I think and feel is the right answer and don't examine all sides equally, I don't believe finding the truth can be done. Even when I do believe I've found the truth, it's still only how I interpret the information I've learned. As with all things in life it's breaks down to, every individuals right to decide what they believe the truth is for themselves. When we disagree and we will, have and do disagree what the TRUTH IS. We can continue to pass judgment on one another or learn that because every person is not the same. That by working through our differences together with understanding instead of judgement and hate. To stop using scapegoating and or blaming one for another misfortune or by casting one group of people aside because some believe they have and are of no real value and aren't worth what it will cost to help them. Is this the kind of world anyone has wished for or wanted to see come to pass? For me history is written every day, so I can not judge it. Because I'm apart of what it will become as are all of us.

It will be many generations in the future that will be doing the judging. Because they will have seen what the fruits of our choices had become.  As we have learned from history so shall they as well.

So all I'm able to do is pray: Dear Lord, Thank you for this day and for all the ups and downs that it will bring. So I can continue to learn that it's by your grace I'm free. Teach me how to put other's first, to show kindness and understanding always, as you know I do my best but I will fail and fall-short from time to time. Lord help me to remember that I'm flawed and unqualified to stand in judgement of other's and to leave the judging to thee. When this day comes to it's ends please lord grant me rest, thank you lord for giving me this day it was a gift and I hope you'll grant me one more, if not I'll leave with no regrets, either way I'll see you when I wake. Amen   

#13 of reflections The truth about guilt 3/1/11

The truth about guilt

By Mary K. Mennenga

Guilt as an emotion is what

People use to get what they want

The only way it's able to work is if you buy into it

Honestly only you can make yourself feel guilty

Of course people will use words to reinforce your interpretation 

Of what they've said to help you in feeling guilty

It's more about your interpretation of what was said

Take great care whenever buying into guilt

Because if guilt is the reason behind your actions

Your actions will have little meaning

Because it's become something you have to do

Instead of what you want to do   

# 6 Reflections At what cost

At what cost

By Mary K. Mennenga

When you love it fills the heart with joy

When it's gone the feelings of loss and emptiness
Can become so overwhelming

Each day waking wishing for just one more day

But knowing that would never be enough

As time passes realizing a love that remembered

Isn't really ever gone
The heart is amazingly capable of holding a lifetime of loves
Each love that's shared changes and teaches
That with love comes great joy that fills the heart
With acceptance and a sense of belonging
Not to but with someone
Making the impossible seem almost possible

# 5 Reflections Love is not blind

Love is not blind

By Mary K. Mennenga

However by focusing so tightly on one aspect of life

It distorts everything even what we've been focusing in on

By taking a step back and widening our view

We realize our life hasn't really changed

Only our focus had changed

We begin to see opportunities instead of obstacles

Understanding the adjustments needed

Will have to come from within

To open ourselves to all the wonders living life has to offer

By keeping our focus on all the love we have to share

We are less likely to lose our focus on all aspects

Of loving the life we are living

Why it may seem I don't write about m.s.

Yep I have multiple sclerosis however it will never define who I am, does it impact my life of course. That doesn't mean I'm willing to let it take control of me or change who I've always been. Everyone has things they must deal with to continue being who they are some big and some small. No matter it's name if your going to die from it or if you wish it would just get it over with and kill you. No matter what we are all going to die it's just the way life works, nothing anybody does will stop it from happening, well not yet anyway.

The only part we are responsible for and have any control of is the living part. Each one of us needs to decide for ourselves if  and how we are going deal with the hand that life has dealt us. This is a choice with no right or wrong answer and one only you can make it. 

As for me I will not quit or give into fear or hopelessness, m.s. is just one piece of my life and I refuse to give it anymore power than it already has. It's the reason why I titled my blog. It is what it is, until it isn't what it once was. Whatever life bring my way I'll handle it, it's my life and I will not let anything stand in my way of living. Does that mean I accept everything it does to me NO! Do I think the way I look at is the right way goodness no! It's just the way I've found that works for me. It's taken a long time and a great deal of misdirected anger on my part to get to the point of accepting I'm not in control of what it does to me. All I can do is make the adjustments I need to, so I can continue just being who I've always been me.

My reflections #1 My Dream

This wasn't my first it is the one that started my putting them  together as My written reflections. This I wrote after waking  from this dream I had, shortly after the death of our dog Honey Girl. The reason I wrote it in two different formats is because my mother wanted more details, since she was the first person I had told about it, she already knew the details and liked it in the story form, other people liked it better this way so I kept them both.

My Dream

By Mary K Mennenga

Last night I had a dream about

All the dogs, cats and animals I've known

It was an odd dream because we understood each other

We knew it wasn't my time to be there, I was just visiting 

Rusty came running towards me with the same ball he had when I found him

Right behind him was Honey Girl without a rock

As we were greeting each each other I noticed they both had all their teeth

They always have toys, balls and someone to play with 

As we played all our favorite games, running and swimming

Without pain or fatigue for anyone of us

As we laid in the grass in the shade of a tree

Tony a squirrel I had helped came down and sat on my shoulder

As I looked around I saw all the wild animals

I had watched throughout my life

I felt them welcoming me to stay awhile longer

Everyone started stirring so we started playing again

Then I heard a dog whine so softly, the dogs started walking away

The dream started fading away I didn't want it to end

Calling for Honey Girl three more times

She finally turned and smiled I realized it was time to go

The whining got louder waking slowly

I called Grey Girl she came to the side of the bed

I tried getting out of bed but this is the real world and I have M.S.

Giving Grey Girl hugs and petting her until I was able to get myself out of bed

It was the best sleep I've had in years

Waking with so little pain I know we will be whole again

Until then I'll settle for visiting them in my dreams

  

About why I've been negative lately

     I try not to dwell on the negative, the majority of the time I'm a glass half full kind of person. But for awhile I've been a bit down, according to a very few I've been in a deep well of despair. On Sept. 27 I saw my doctor he told me the MRI showed a very large number of legions scaring. That there isn't anything that can be done to stop my double vision from getting worst. I've had  it for over fifteen years, over time it's gotten worst the images keep getting farther apart making reading almost impossible without magnify it 150%. Thank goodness for computers making it much easier to read, watching television or movies that changes images by jumping from scene to scene gives me a headache the pain from it affects  my vision even more. So I'll listen and use my imagination to fill in the parts I can't watch. Knowing nothing can be done fix it,  I got depressed and very negative about everything.
     Until Wednesday a doctor from the research study group I'm a part of, called and was very surprised when I answered the phone. He told me it was rare for a person with the amount of scaring (legions) I have to have no active legions, as well as my apparent and now obvious ability of higher function (walking,talking). He had many questions we talked for a long time. He told me the reason for calling was to request permission from my caregiver to keep me in the study group.
     This is the best news I've gotten in a very long time! I sat there after we hung up, inside I was jumping up and down and running throughout house, I'm not physically able to that. I'm soaking all of this information in I'm still processing it. I've got to stay on top of other things that are wrong, and continue to do all I can to minimize the effect all of it has on the rest of my life.
    Some Q & A: Q:Will I get what I've lost back? A:No. Q:Will a Lose any more ability's? A:Time will tell if or when it becomes active again. Q:Is there anything you can do to prevent it from becoming active again?  A:Yes and no, by not getting sick or getting an infection, it's unclear how long it will last or why it stop.
     I'm just very happy and now understand why I've been able to sleep for more than 4 hours without waking up with nothing working and having my muscles so tight I can't move them or even think about moving because it just makes them even tighter. For the first time in many years, I've slept for eight hours all at the same time 3 times and didn't wake up racked with pain and with every muscle seeming to be trying to pull me apart. Do I think God answers our prayers? absolutely positively yes, Thank you so much to everyone for sending good thoughts my way and or praying for me.