Sunday, June 28, 2020

The older I get, what matters most is the love shared.

The earliest memory of my Mother was hearing her being asked "Who do love the most?" her answer was always "I've loved them longer, what all!" One day I asked her "How long have you loved Me?" Her answer was, I loved you before you were born!

I Didn't mind Ma calling me her baby girl, cause I was. The best part of being the youngest was, watching what happened when the older kid's got busted for breaking her rules. I learned the rules and worked within them. With two older brothers, me being a pest. As I walked away, saying I'm telling Mom! Funny part was Ma didn't like tattletales. I knew better so I never did tell her.
  
Ma was a "yes" or "no", as I got older I tried to get her to change her mind, never worked her answer was "What part of "NO" do you not understand the N or the O!" No answer needed. After that she gave that look of don't push it missy!

One summer I was feed up with all the rules Ma had only on me! So I asked if I go live with my Dad & Ellie, youngest daughter was also staying there at first it was great no rules! By the second night the no rules was not, a safe place at all. All mom said was "Next time you want to live with your Father there will be no coming back!" I understood her rules kept me safe. Years later we talk about just once.

The year Brian & Mary got a chandler for the dining room, all the needles fell off her Christmas Tree. Drove Ma over to Nancy's so Ma could help Nancy and I took home the artificial tree. I got back the boy's put up the Chandler, I put up Ma's Christmas Tree. 

After celebrating Christmas Eve with Family, time head home for Ma to see her Chandler and Christmas Tree. The boy's were waiting inside, ready to get a picture! Ma stopped short because, she couldn't see the red knitted bird cage, on the the back wall. As Brian turned up the lights I tried and failed, to push her into the room. We all sat in the living room talking about our younger day's,  the boy's said I tattled on them all the time! Ma was shocked before she said anything I said "Ma, doesn't like tattle tails! I told them I was going to tell Ma! I never did! Instead I asked her questions about growing up at "2932" Ma and I talked about her growing up with her sister's and her Mom and Dad, her memories never changed, always full of love for them all. 

My one regret is I wrote her stories in my journal's l've kept since 5th grade. Had to see a mental health therapist. He taught how to hide my feeling and put on my happy face. I told him "I hated my dad!" He told me to call if I felt I needed to see him again. I told Ma I'm fine now, I don't need to see him again. Thankfully I found writing helped. In 7th grade I started drinking. In high school, starting working, also found drugs helpful. Been clean and sober for over 30 years.

The summer before my senior year at North high school in1979. I worked for The Youth Conservation Corps of Minnesota near Hinckley, MN. It was awesome, making trails in Minnesota State Park's. Learning why conservation was so important, to the health of our planet as a whole. The program lasted 6 weeks at the end we took a test, on what we learned. The program leader asked if would, like to take a free class in South Minneapolis to learn more about the work The U.S. National Park Service does? I said, Yes but why me? Your answer's showed, how much you learned. In just 6 week's. Ma signed the form. At the end of the class, we all took an hour long test. Only three people passed me and two guy's. Now we needed to write an essay about why we wanted to be a national park ranger. The winner would get cost free training as a park ranger 6 months out in the field then 6 mouths in a state parks in your home state. At the end of your training of 3 years, you will be a U.S. National Park Ranger. The dropout rate is over 50% in the first year. In May I got a letter telling me I was 1st runner up. Told Ma about it, she said lets wait and see you never know, give it some time! I told her Okay it's worth waiting for. The day's turned into weeks, I really wanted it to happen. My bother John wasn't helping I never told him about it. A few day's later John started in on me again, telling me "I'd never make more than minimum wage!" What was I wait for, no-one would be dumb enough to turn down the chance like that. A  short time later, Army recruiter called, came over went took the test and the physical passed them both! I got a job, only took 3 hours and I was going to make more money than John! Telling my Ma I joined the Army and I'm leaving for boot camp the next day! Going to Fort Jackson, in South Carolina. I wasn't able to call Ma until 2 weeks later, she told me they called she told them I joined the army. Never told her the real reason why, it was the only choice I felt I had at the time. The best part is, I've never had a minimum wage job since.  

The journal I started in 5th grade, continues today it's a tool I need, to separate my feeling from action's taken or my reaction's. When I decided to put the lessons I learned, into My Written Reflections. I Had been writing since 5th grade over 4 thousand pages into 5 box's safe in the blue bedroom closet at "2932" Only moved them out because Brian was going to put shelves in there for Ma. 

 I've finished by adding them on to my Blogspot "it is what it is until it isn't what it once was"

After Jane, Honey Girl and I moved back to Minnesota from Wisconsin 12 year's ago. It's time wasted so I kept the good, the rest is history. 

On the fun side, this year I turned 58 on May 8. Had my golden Birthday when I was 8 years old. Guessing that's not a thing? Haha 😊😜 


Tuesday, September 3, 2019

I've been away too long.

 It's been a long time, since I posted any thing on here. Last year, spent a lot of time walking with Nacho everyday. It's been hard getting back into posting. Putting my feeling into word's, that look back at me from the screen. At this point I've always stopped.

Cancer in all it's forms, has taken away too many people we love.  

Putting my feeling into words, is harder. Been holding them in for so long waiting for the other shoe to drop. Haven't felt able to put into word's my feeling.

Now it's 9/3/19

I've spent the last 3 years,  Walking Nacho Man, for 2543 miles. Watched my Nephew get married, even danced with him. On September 17 2019, I'll see the oncologist for the last time I hope! The result from the last test's for cancer are done, no red flags, good news. My Doctor isn't happy about the amount of weight I've lost. I'm not it's 60 pounds in 3 year's, going from a 44 inch waist to a 34 feels great, I can see my feet for the first time in years. My energy level is better, stretching out more often, helps with flexibility. Making better choices of what needs to be done now and what can wait. The most important part for me is taking care of Jane and Nacho. The same way they take care of me.

Now about that other shoe to drop
I've finally stopped worrying
About it!