Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Now have a new man of the house!

I'd like you all to met Ben!
Ben was rescued by The Animal Humane Society.
     Ben was seized because of cruelty and neglect near Brainerd, Minnesota. in January he was one of 220 dog's that were kept in two trailers each had 110 dogs in them trailer. Jane had seen him on the adoption web site. So I took a look he was scared, thin looked like he was about ready to drop dead from fright. Playing it real cool told Jane we could go take a look, if she really wanted too! Then I got that knowing look, as she asked do you think I should bring a leash? You know just in case! Jane knew that I had fallen in love him just as she had done. He needed us hopefully as much as we needed him before we left we both knew we would be coming home with us if he wanted that to. Ben warmed up to us but had little energy being so thin, nervous and him jumping at everything.

Every noise he reacted as if it hurt him. 

Now he's starting to settle in, it's been a long day!

After a good nights sleep hes ready to check out his new home. 

Got to get this Man his own bowl!

    So far Ben has learned how to walk up and down the stairs. That no one here will hurt him. That he'll get feed every day, he'll go outside and be let back in, get to go for walks so he can build up muscles. When a hand comes towards him it will not hit him, only to pet and love him.

What I remember is
Love and understanding
Is something when giving 
Always comes back
Sooner or later.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Just thinking of time and age

On Tuesday I had a very bad day. Most of  the time I'm able to brush it off and stop my private little pity party, before it gets started. M.S. did play a roll into why it was happening, as did facing some old memories from my past. Life is trial and error at first I was wrong a lot however it was my best option at the time. My past has shaped who I am today, because or in spite of the choices I had to make, a long with what happened to me that I had no control of. Facing the fact, the things that happened changed me, I'll get to those in a bit. Because I had made choices to keep myself safe from getting or being hurt.

First I got sober, had stopped main lining(shooting up) 2 years before going into treatment for alcohol and drug additions, since I was young I had always been thin, no one knew I thought I was a fat sow, and suffered from Anorexia Neuroses (starvation) being 5'6" and 1/2 feet tall weight at my least 85 pounds and the most was 125 pounds. When I went into treatment I weighted 110 lbs. Yes I was trying to kill myself the treatment center Doctor's said if I lost one pound my treatment would end because my blood levels were so low the two things that helped to keep weight down were the drugs and alcohol, without them I had no choice but to eat real food the first week was hell. Each passing week it got easier, to eat real food knowing when I got out I would lose the extra tonnage in less then three days and I did in two days.

Had I known that treatment was the easy part, after 30 day's I was back in the real world and now I needed to deal with the reasons why I couldn't face life without being buzzed. so much this part was much harder and costing more then my drugs and alcohol took over three years of paying $65. dollars per hour to deal with the reasons why I was trying to kill myself. Sometime at times I saw my therapist 3 or 4 times a week. Without her don't know where I would be today. Dealing with having been raped at 13 years old, one person knocked me down so many times emotionally that, I truly felt that I was worthless, and that it was my fault my Mom and Dad got divorced. Being gang rapped while in the army, now the next time two men tried to rape me. I beat the crap out of them and left them laying in a heap on the road. Leaving the car at the main gate with the MP's and all my information found out later they had been beating so badly the same body part would never work the same again, no need to worry about them trying rape any one again. No I will not be a victim again! My Mom watched me change and grow into what she had hopped I would become a strong, independent woman capable of handling what ever life tossed in my way.

Over the years I have lost friendships it does not matter why or if we just let each other go. At first I thought I did something wrong time as taught me other wise, a few I tried to reconnect with them but we are now so different from each other there is I guess no middle ground could be found. A year after I got out of treatment within 30 day's I loss 6 good friends, two took their own life, these were the hardest I had seen and talked to both of them not long before, I had no clue even after going over the conversions in my mind just couldn't see or understand why, two died in car accidents and two of health problems, all under the age of 30. Went to each visitation and four funerals.After losing my friends, for a long time I kept all my friendships at arms length. 

I think that's why I had such a bad Tuesday I've been thinking about them lately. Each one was my friend but they weren't friends with each, odd to remember that maybe because I did  different things with each of them. 
Going to be turning 50 in May, guess I'm looking through my life and seeing all the joy and fun that my friendships have brought me over the years, I miss them and wonder what they would think of who I am today.

Feeling much better now, guess I just needed to write it down.   

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

# 47 To pitch or keep

To pitch or keep
By Mary K. Mennenga

Sounds simple but it’s not
Tending to attach feelings to things
Makes it harder to let go
The usefulness is long gone
The memories attached are strong
Fear without it the memories will fade
Memories etch themselves on the heart
Always there waiting
When needed the most

Friday, February 17, 2012

Las Vegas

Was a great time! Now taking time to recover from all the fun. Stayed at the Golden Nugget on Fremont Street very nice place.

Each night Fremont Street puts on a light show at the top of the hour until one am. Very nice but very loud. Every show was different we didn't see the same show twice however we didn't see every show. 

It was cold for Las Vegas, not as cold as Minneapolis, MN. worked just right for me. Did too much walking the first day, we decided to stay on Fremont Street there is a shopping mall at one end of the street so we spent one day there it was fun, everywhere was something new to see. Jane did her people watching as I window shopped worked great for us both. It was never dull, something was happening all the time there. 

Had people asking about my walker saying how much their Mother or Father would love something like it. A few  asked why I didn't use a standard walker they weren't rude about it or anything like that,  they had never seen anything like my walker before. Letting them know that because M.S. had weaken the muscles in my wrist's, my arms still work so I didn't need a wheelchair, just something in between so I use this ( I'd move around a bit so they could see how it works) and ask, "Works great don't you think?" I've always gotten a positive response back. It's a gain for everyone involved in the exchange, they gain new information and understanding, I gain the joy of teaching someone something they didn't know before, that's a win win for everybody if you ask me!

The last full day we didn't do much walking around outside the Golden Nugget, I needed to rest a lot more, we sat by the pool these are pictures of the shark tank . The first one is of a tropical fish tank.

The tube is a water slide through the tank
Not so sure who's watching who
in this one!!
Date stamps are all wrong. 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

M.S. has taken much

          That's true enough and we may lose it faster than most, or it tries to kill our spirit one ability at a time. For many folks time and living life bring changes of ability and capability, slowly at first barely noticeable really but picking up speed as the years go by. For some it's an accident that changes everything in one small moment in time. Does it mean any of the folks above should stop living each day as we did before? Doing all we can by making do with what we've got to work with? Getting caught up in regret is easy with all of our, could should and would haves from the past remind us of what we didn't do, instead of what we did do and why! Thinking of all the mistakes we had made. Now if you have read any of my posts before this one you may already know what coming next. Those mistakes were made the person you were back then, not by the person are today. You’re not that person anymore it's the reason why you're now able see it as a mistake! Okay maybe I'm wrong, I am wrong a lot and have been told that more times then I care to count. Getting caught up in the past, takes us away from living in the here and now, but we can regret that later! What the future holds is still unknown. If you want to look back go back 20 or 40 years, if you’re like me you were alive back then, the tools that we have today weren't even science-fiction back then. If history as taught us anything, it's any one thing can change the world we will be living in. 
M.S. has taken away many of the things, I loved doing like fishing, long slow walks in the woods, sleeping more than 4 hours at a time and going shopping all day, to name a few. So now I've found new and different things I love doing as much if not more like looking out my window to the world, still being able to hear the birds and squirrels, over the entire city noisy. Without having m.s. I never would have learning that woodpeckers that eat at the bird feeder will take seeds and put them in the bark of a tree and come back later to eat them. The walks in the woods are shorter so I listen closer it's all still there, now I may not see them all I do remember what the bird and animals looks like, so I can match the sound with the picture in my mind. Realizing when putting all the sounds the birds and animals are making. It's a wonderful song written by nature. The best part is it's never the same making each time it's heard the first, so for me it never gets old.
           Watching as my mother and her sisters were growing older, seeing time taking their ability and capability away with the years. What I remember the most is the grace, in which they took each lost they faced, there was a bit of moaning and groaning more or less the same as we do now. None seemed to regret or lament about the past. Even as the end was so near, each one talked of what fun they had over the years the things they had done but not what they hadn't done.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Time taking it's toll on everyone!


Having M.S. has not helped at all, from bowel to vision it’s been a trial and error. That’s still ongoing not likely to stop any time soon. It’s not all bad, it will surprise me with a short rest bit that never seems to last long enough, however I’ll take what I can get.
          Now for the reason for this post Jane and I are going on a vacation very soon. We had painted the living room a few weeks ago, Jane has been telling me, we need to get the dining room done soon or they won’t match! Unlike me Jane is a worrier and has been long before we met. The older the habit is the harder it is to change and I have tried and failed. Knowing this and Jane too well after 17 years she would be thinking (worrying) about it when we are supposed to be having fun.
Well I got us started painting on Thursday and we finished up late last night, after the super bowl was over. The team with the least amount of mistakes won, enjoyed it very much. We did a good job on the painting and I’ll have the time needed to recover, before we go on vacation.
          We are both feeling the effects of doing this today. The satisfaction of doing it and seeing how much better it looks, is helping. However I keep finding myself thinking back, when it took only two days and further back it would have taken a day, remembering even further back when my Mom and I had painted the living and dining room, hallway and up the stairs in two days. Realizing it’s not just M.S. that’s slowed me down, living has played a major part in that as well. The memories from then to now are happy ones of team work and pride in a job well done. Then as now it was fun, going from start to finish, the conversations and range of topics hasn’t changed much covering everything, including all the memories made of doing this over the years. Asking myself the same question each time, was it worth the price I’m paying now for doing this? Yes it sure is, for had I not done this, those memories may have stayed locked away until who know when. They were all worth any price to remember them again and now I’m able to add another one.
          What did Jane talk about this morning besides how sore she was! She said; "When we get back, from vacation maybe we should paint the bathroom?" I think I’ll let her answer that one after she comes home from work tonight. LOL

Thursday, February 2, 2012

# 46 Reflection It's happening now

It’s happening now
By Mary K. Mennenga

Your mind is processing what’s happening
 Around and to you the affects it will
Have on you are yet unknown
You can’t stop it
No matter how you try
For it is ruled by time
Life is happening everywhere
Take all of it in
For this moment in time
Will not come again
So make the most of it
Once it’s gone you’ll have missed
The chance of giving yourself guide posts
To see how far you’ve come
Helping steer your course
To get where you need to be