The Creative Arts Competition

The list is narrowing down nicely on my list of reflections the top five so far are.

1. # 27 You being you is amazing
2. # 17 To the few who feel the help given wasn't much help
3. # 16 In the span of life
4. # 12 "words"
5. # 1 My dream

Thank you so much, to all who have already voted. Going from 53 to 5 is a great start and a much more manageable list. I'll enter the top one into the competition on December 4, when I go into see my doctor at the Minneapolis V.A. hospital.

Thank's for helping me with this, I appreciate and value your input.            

Creative Arts Competition

2013 Minneapolis V.A. health care system. Held every year I'm eligible and   thinking of entering this year. Last year I saw part of the creative writing entries all were very good. Not sure which one of my reflection to submit for the competition.

Links and list to Written Reflections

So if you have a favorite and want to let me know by putting the number in a comment. Going to see my doctor on the 4 of December before the dead line. Worth the risk, to at least give it a try. This will be a first for me to put anything I've written into a competition, if I don't chicken out.                                                                                                                                                                    

#19 Reflections Love as a word and a feeling

Love as a word and a feeling

By Mary K. Mennenga

Love as a word is tossed around too freely

Love as an action is showing people they're important enough

For you to take the first risk, by opening up knowing

You could end up getting rejected

But sharing this act of kindness that some may only rarely see

That my friend is why love really isn't a word

But a feeling that's been put into action 

The Last of My Written Reflections is Done!

I started keeping a journal in 1975 by 1987 the numbers of boxes and the information within became a risk. The weight alone would be a strain if I was going to move. Being in my mom house I knew they were safe, knowing she would never read them, but what if some else did? The thought sent a cold chill through my heart. Within the pages was many very raw feeling, from everything I had gone through so far in my life. Were meant only for me! What if I died or if I had succeeded in my attempts at suicide. What was I thinking? Only of myself, that for sure!

Having gained tools to handle and deal with what was within those pages. Taking one book at a time, saving the good and life changing events, lessons learned and a few things I hadn’t yet made peace with. Over the years I had started removing names allowing the pain to fade, seeing all that I was continuing to hold on to. It wasn’t helpful instead it was holding me back, watching as I let it go falling into the well of forgiveness and feeling my heart beating as if for the first time.

In 1989 I took a hard look at my part in screwing up my life and taking responsibility for the choices I made and how I had allowed others to treat me. Mom helped me see that playing the blame game wasn’t going to get me anywhere. There was never a doubt that she loved me. Mom knew I had been working on condensing my journals for years, and wanted to know what I had learned and what I was planning do with them now? Telling her I’ve made them into more of a way of reflecting on what I’ve learned, forgiving things people did that hurt me and forgiving myself for allowing it to happen! By removing the names and letting the pain go. Understanding it’s about the lessons that living life has taught me, making it what it is today. My written reflections I had no intension of sharing them with anyone but her.

When I was diagnosed with Multiply Sclerosis in 2001 Mom wanted me to write them out into the form their in now. In 2003 writing became harder and too painful to write much at all, I was still working. By the end of 2005 I had to stop working. In 2006 One trip to the emergency room without health insurance, it was time to move into the city, so I could start going to V.A. hospital. Mom was very glad we did, she worried so much about me. The landlords were friends, so it worked out good for everyone. Only 15 minutes from the V.A. very handy indeed.

Was given an old computer by our friends, when mom heard this she asked are you ready to get back to writing again? So I got back to writing. Mom was my editor with her 8^th grade education and my spelling it was good enough for the two of us. My losing the ability to drive and Moms health and eye sight declining, no one knew she was recognizing people by the sound of their voices. My brothers and I knew how bad her health problems were. This information she didn’t want shared with anyone, if asked tell them I’m fine and that’s what I did. She asked so little it was her choice if I disagreed to bad it wasn’t my choice to make. We had gotten through almost all of them. Then Mom asked me to write one about her, using her words and way of looking at the world and living her life. It’s on my blog; May 19, 2011 the title is Mother, Grandmother, Auntie and Friend.

She wanted me to make my writing into a book along with The Journey of Finding Myself and Living with Multiple Sclerosis or to get them published. That wasn't why I started writing them in the first place! Well I think posting them here is good enough.

Thank you to all who have read and or added your comments. This was the last thing my Mom Adele K. Mennenga wanted me to do and now that it’s done. Now I understand why she felt it was necessary for me to do this. To help me learn life is about the journey of living, no matter the hand life has dealt me. Teaching me how to find my own answers which only leads to more question

My Written Reflections

By Mary K. Mennenga

The list of titles

1.      A Dream

2.      My Dearest Love

3.      What I’ve Learned So far

4.      Without Hope

5.      Love Is Not Blind

6.      At What Cost

7.      When You Truly Love

8.      Why Do You…Why don’t you

9.      Life As I see It

10.  Why Not!

11.  To A Dear Friend

12.  Words

13.  The Truth About Guilt

14.  The Thing About Worry

15.  What Do You Really Mean?

16.  In The Span Of Life It’s The Middle That Matters

17.  This Is For The Few That Feel The Help Given Wasn’t Much Help At All

18.  An Ending Maybe Or Not

19.  Love As A Word And A Feeling

20.  How Things Workout

21. Did You Know

22.  The Bond Between Friends

23.  It’s Up To You

24.  It’s Odd, But Really Not So Much

25.  What Is It That Makes Pity So Painful?

26.  Making Assumption

27. You Being You Is Amazing

28.  A Thunderstorm Brings Peace

29.  The Step You’ve Taken Together Today

30.  When A Friendship Changes or Ends

31.  If You Could See Past Disability

32.  Fighting An Unseen Foe

33.  Misunderstanding It’s Not A Choice

34.  One Cold Wind

35.  Common Not All Are Capable

36. June 1980

37. One Man By Unsure

38. Win, Win

39. If I Had The Ability To Read Minds

40. Honey

41. Questions Don’t Mean Answers

42. Honesty-Dishonesty

43. Friends

44. Abilities, Capabilities and Choices!

45. Love Lost Hate Forever

46. It’s Happening Now

47. To Pitch Or Keep

48. Sharing The Depth Of Love

49. It’s Automatic

50. Friendships

51. Questions Of Faith Tested

52. Meaning The Most

53. Why is When…?

# 53 of reflections Why is it when...?

Why is it when…?

...I find an answer to a question

Then realizing the answer created another question

Each answer brings forth another question and so on.

Could it be I'm learning?!

  By Mary K. Mennenga

Because this is something I've heard not willing claim it as mine

Having tried and failed to teach someone it's true.

...I've heard it said

There is no such thing as bad student’s only poor teachers

I must very strongly disagree

For you see one can teach and teach

However one can't learn it for them.

# 52 of reflections Meaning The Most

Meaning the most

By Mary K. Mennenga

    

The age of things isn't what makes them old

Because new things can get old real fast
Sure we can all relate to that

 It's the history of things that makes them a comfort

My memories take me back to what I feel today
Was a much simpler and an easier time

Then I wonder if next I remember
Will this have been an simpler time in my life?

The past has a way of giving life perspective 
Life is a lesson in the little things

Realizing it's the little things people did

That ended up meaning the most.

# 51 Questions of faith tested

Questions of faith tested 

By Mary K Mennenga

When faith is tested it’s hard to see

That God is truly all around us

What is seen isn’t kindness, understanding or love

It seems hate has taken over

Leaving the weak, sick and old to die

They’re of no monetary value any how

 A drain on the system no room for compassion

It’s them or us

Instead of we the people, its fall in line or else

No longer are we the stewards of earth

Or our brother’s keeper

Using the word God more as a slogan diminishing and burring

What the name God means

The gift of grace God has given us

Religious membership isn’t a requirement

It’s your heart God sees

Forgive others as well as yourself

Thinking you aren’t faithful enough

For God to care or hear your prayers

God’s love is a gift

All that’s needed is faith to receive it

Only by God’s grace and love for us

We are free to choose

Faith is trusting you’re heart

Without judgment 

# 50 Reflections Friendships

Friendships

By Mary K. Mennenga

Without a word

A friendship may end

No need to wonder

It just isn’t what it was

There may not be a reason

For we all grow at

Different speeds and directions

Some friends come then go

With years in between seeing each other

The friendship isn’t strained or damaged

We have parted

At Christmas each year each will

Send a card in greeting

Letting each other know how life is going

We will change over the years

May find we have less in common

As time passes

We don’t forget the good times

We had together

Those memories stay with us 

# 49 of reflections It's Automatic

It’s automatic

By Mary K. Mennenga

Acts of self-preservation are automatic

Any time the mind can’t handle

What’s happening or going to happen!

It will block that memory it’s still there waiting

Until the tools are in place to handle it

Patience is not automatic nor is it something a person is born with

Its learned behavior earned over time

Patience with one’s self is hardest

That has been my experience so far

All the living and learning that’s being done

Along with the baggage chosen to carry with you

Is what made you the person you are today

Laying the framework to become

The person you want to be

# 48 Reflections Sharing the depth of love

Sharing the depth of love

By Mary K. Mennenga

Is it a form of misguided guilt to gain what is wanted?

If so can anyone be sure if it’s love or guilt?

A question only answered by time and heart

Walking away maybe easier if done now instead of later

To remove the threat of anyone knowing

I’m already hurting

Instead of letting

My actions speak the words for me

I love you is strong enough to stand on its own

When a heart is entwined within the words

The risk is worth everything

For the chance to hear

Those 3 little word repeated back to me

# 47 To pitch or keep

To pitch or keep

By Mary K. Mennenga

Sounds simple but it’s not

Tending to attach feelings to things

Makes it harder to let go

The usefulness is long gone

The memories attached are strong

Fear without it the memories will fade

Memories etch themselves on the heart

Always there waiting

When needed the most

# 46 Reflection It's happening now

It’s happening now

By Mary K. Mennenga

Your mind is processing what’s happening

 Around and to you the affects it will

Have on you are yet unknown

You can’t stop it

No matter how you try

For it is ruled by time

Life is happening everywhere

Take all of it in

For this moment in time

Will not come again

So make the most of it

Once it’s gone you’ll have missed

The chance of giving yourself guide posts

To see how far you’ve come

Helping steer your course

To get where you need to be

# 45 of Reflections Love Lost Hate forever

Love Lost Hate

Forever

By Mary K. Mennenga

Love is something you can’t…

…Hide, steal or forget

Love when it’s shared

Can never be lost

It remains always

The basics are

Hate and Love

Love will always overcome Hate

 It’s why

Forever

Is more than a word

It’s a place within your heart

# 44 of Reflections abilities,capabilities

Abilities, capabilities and choices!

By Mary K. Mennenga

Every person’s abilities and capabilities are different

To stand in judgment of others and or their choices

What qualities are required?

Everyone does the best they can with what they’ve got

No matter what we may think or believe

If standing in judgment of someone

The risk is having someone stand in judgment of us

The choices people make may not be the ones

We would have made

However the choices were not ours to make!

As for me, I will judge only myself

At the end of my life, I will stand

Before the one with the qualities, required

To judge me

Until then I’ll do the best I can with what I’ve got

# 43 Reflections Friends.

       Caring and loving the people in my life does not change, because I see them less or more or even not at all. It’s the relationship that mattered most, not the things we did or didn’t do. What’s important to me may not have meant the same to you. Thank goodness we are not the same, wouldn’t have been so much fun, had I not looked at things from your point of view. As each person passes through our life some only once other coming and going throughout the span of time. Life is fluid like a river going on its way changes and choices made will put a bend here and there, in places it will be wide in others narrow too, flowing fast and slow also. As it takes a lifetime to finally reach the loving depth of the sea.

By Mary K. Mennenga

# 42 Honesty - Dishonesty

Honesty-Dishonesty

By Mary K. Mennenga

Relationships a matter of trust and faith

Being honest

Lie to yourself that’s fine

When perpetuating that lie

Passing it on as truth

The harm it’s capable of

When becoming aware

Of a deception

Achieves one thing

Unworthy of honesty

Was it pity and or lies?

A question never asked

Harm it did cause

Wasn’t the intent, but is the result

Of dishonesty

    This is not a typical type of my reflection I've posted here before. However it's a reflection of not one loss but of many, that have come from living with m.s. Being guilty of lying to myself out of pride and foolishness from time to time, and those little white lies that are told to spare one's feelings, because it may hurt them and harm a friendship. 

# 41 Questions don't mean answers

Questions don’t mean answers

By Mary K Mennenga

Learning happens when asking a question

Answered or not you’ll gain information

What you do and how you interpret the information

May cause questioning of choices made or not

Reinforcing your point of view or not

It will give you options to consider

To become the person you want to be

Change is hard but a necessity for growth

Without growth nothing changes

Living without growing or learning is uninteresting

Taking the risks to finding your true potential

Depends if you’re willing to ask the questions only you can answer

# 40 of Reflections Honey

Honey

By Mary K. Mennenga

My wonderful joyful distraction

From all the worries the world brings my way

Your ability to make even my darkest of days

Seem bright and calm

I’m able to shed my cloak of dread and hopelessness

In your eyes I’ve seen only love and faithfulness

And a level of acceptance I’ve rarely known

Through all the trails and difficulties

Life brings my way

The love you’ve shown me has taught me

No matter how big a problem looks or feels

It’s never as big as I think or as important

# 39 reflections If I had the ability to read minds

If I had the ability to read minds

I'd have no need to ask why or doubt

That the truth has been told

All questions would have answerers

I can’t so

Questions remain unanswered

Why did all communication just stop?

Was it something I did or didn’t do?

What I will do is

To understand it’s not about

Me it’s about you

Many times I’ve forgotten this

I'll trust you to take care of you

And be here if you need me  

By Mary K. Mennenga

# 38 reflections Win Win

Win Win

By Mary K. Mennenga

For some winning is the only goal

For others it isn't about winning or losing
It's about doing their best win or lose
Knowing their best was given that day
With a willingness to learn
That tomorrow is 
Another chance to run the race
Of living life by
Giving it your best every day
Add all the days together
Win or lose
Making your life one
That is truly being lived