The older I get,

I'm saying goodbye more often than I'm saying hello, I don't find it sad living and dying are part's of life. What I remember the most are the people who have touched my life enriching it as they come, stay and or go. The amount of time that was spent together isn't as important, it's what we each gained in the time spent together. Haven't had a friend that agreed with me on every issue and I'm glad, be a bit boring if we did. Have been told many times I shouldn't talk about subjects like politics and religion but I still do. It's cost me a few friends over the years. It's too bad in a the way because, if by questioning each others perspective on these two issues, puts a wedge in our friendship it's sad.
Looking at information in different ways because no one see things in the same way. It helps me to see information from an opposite points of view, to challenge my own view. Time and history has taught me I don't know what I don't know! Learning also if I'm unwilling to listen with an open mind to people they will do the same to me, if not it ends in a shouting match and we both lose.

# 50 Reflections Friendships

Friendships

By Mary K. Mennenga

Without a word

A friendship may end

No need to wonder

It just isn’t what it was

There may not be a reason

For we all grow at

Different speeds and directions

Some friends come then go

With years in between seeing each other

The friendship isn’t strained or damaged

We have parted

At Christmas each year each will

Send a card in greeting

Letting each other know how life is going

We will change over the years

May find we have less in common

As time passes

We don’t forget the good times

We had together

Those memories stay with us 

Just thinking of time and age

On Tuesday I had a very bad day. Most of  the time I'm able to brush it off and stop my private little pity party, before it gets started. M.S. did play a roll into why it was happening, as did facing some old memories from my past. Life is trial and error at first I was wrong a lot however it was my best option at the time. My past has shaped who I am today, because or in spite of the choices I had to make, a long with what happened to me that I had no control of. Facing the fact, the things that happened changed me, I'll get to those in a bit. Because I had made choices to keep myself safe from getting or being hurt.


First I got sober, had stopped main lining(shooting up) 2 years before going into treatment for alcohol and drug additions, since I was young I had always been thin, no one knew I thought I was a fat sow, and suffered from Anorexia Neuroses (starvation) being 5'6" and 1/2 feet tall weight at my least 85 pounds and the most was 125 pounds. When I went into treatment I weighted 110 lbs. Yes I was trying to kill myself the treatment center Doctor's said if I lost one pound my treatment would end because my blood levels were so low the two things that helped to keep weight down were the drugs and alcohol, without them I had no choice but to eat real food the first week was hell. Each passing week it got easier, to eat real food knowing when I got out I would lose the extra tonnage in less then three days and I did in two days.


Had I known that treatment was the easy part, after 30 day's I was back in the real world and now I needed to deal with the reasons why I couldn't face life without being buzzed. so much this part was much harder and costing more then my drugs and alcohol took over three years of paying $65. dollars per hour to deal with the reasons why I was trying to kill myself. Sometime at times I saw my therapist 3 or 4 times a week. Without her don't know where I would be today. Dealing with having been raped at 13 years old, one person knocked me down so many times emotionally that, I truly felt that I was worthless, and that it was my fault my Mom and Dad got divorced. Being gang rapped while in the army, now the next time two men tried to rape me. I beat the crap out of them and left them laying in a heap on the road. Leaving the car at the main gate with the MP's and all my information found out later they had been beating so badly the same body part would never work the same again, no need to worry about them trying rape any one again. No I will not be a victim again! My Mom watched me change and grow into what she had hopped I would become a strong, independent woman capable of handling what ever life tossed in my way.


Over the years I have lost friendships it does not matter why or if we just let each other go. At first I thought I did something wrong time as taught me other wise, a few I tried to reconnect with them but we are now so different from each other there is I guess no middle ground could be found. A year after I got out of treatment within 30 day's I loss 6 good friends, two took their own life, these were the hardest I had seen and talked to both of them not long before, I had no clue even after going over the conversions in my mind just couldn't see or understand why, two died in car accidents and two of health problems, all under the age of 30. Went to each visitation and four funerals.After losing my friends, for a long time I kept all my friendships at arms length. 


I think that's why I had such a bad Tuesday I've been thinking about them lately. Each one was my friend but they weren't friends with each, odd to remember that maybe because I did  different things with each of them. 
Going to be turning 50 in May, guess I'm looking through my life and seeing all the joy and fun that my friendships have brought me over the years, I miss them and wonder what they would think of who I am today.

Feeling much better now, guess I just needed to write it down.   

# 42 Honesty - Dishonesty

Honesty-Dishonesty

By Mary K. Mennenga

Relationships a matter of trust and faith

Being honest

Lie to yourself that’s fine

When perpetuating that lie

Passing it on as truth

The harm it’s capable of

When becoming aware

Of a deception

Achieves one thing

Unworthy of honesty

Was it pity and or lies?

A question never asked

Harm it did cause

Wasn’t the intent, but is the result

Of dishonesty

    This is not a typical type of my reflection I've posted here before. However it's a reflection of not one loss but of many, that have come from living with m.s. Being guilty of lying to myself out of pride and foolishness from time to time, and those little white lies that are told to spare one's feelings, because it may hurt them and harm a friendship. 

#34 Of reflections One cold wind

I wrote this when I was in the eighth grade

after learning how fast life can change.

One cold wind

By Mary K. Mennenga

Love is as delicate as a flower

In the fall

One cold wind 

Could destroy it all

Unless

The same seed

Has taken root 

In two different heart's 

It will always

Be there 

When friendship's #30 Reflections

When a friendship changes or ends

By Mary K. Mennenga

Inspired by a very dear friend

Will show where the strength of your character is based

Is it based?

In resentment and bitterness with hostility and malice

What could be gained by this nothing?

But fear, mistrust and everyone keeps hurting

Then it's more about keeping score of who was hurt the most

The scar's it leaves on the heart's that never seem to fade

Or is it based

On understanding that no matter how hard we tried

Things don't workout the way we thought it would

It's not about blame or faults it's letting go

Understanding we've learned more than we lost

Gaining knowledge that sometimes letting go of a friend 

Is the best way, to truly be a friend to them

Remember the good and let the bad fade.

I know I will

# 25 Of Reflections What is it that makes pity so painful?

What is it that makes pity so painful?
By Mary K. Mennenga

If it's happened to you, you know what I mean!

It's beyond painful it destroys trust

It can be over come with understanding

And a willingness not to judge
By not allowing yourself to stand in judgment

Seeing the ability as well as the inability
Of communicating feelings isn't easy when you love and care for someone
Interpreting words from heart to heart is harder still
The heart knows feeling just not always the right words
To convey what a person's true feelings are
Instead of focusing on the words that were used
Actively listen with your heart
Focusing on the heart behind the words
That's where the true meaning will be found

#22 Reflections The bond between friends

The bond between friends

By Mary K. Mennenga

It's a special bond

It stands up to the test of time

No matter the changes that living life brings

Or the distance between visits

For some unknown reason it remains strong

No matter why we were parted or for how long

The bond of friendship is still there

Not worrying or waiting it's just there

When wanted or needed each may send up a prayer

Asking God to watch over them

We may not speak often or maybe not at all

That doesn't matter

You see it's a matter of history we both shared

It's a bond that's life long 

#15 of Reflections What do you really mean?

What to you really mean?

By Mary K. Mennenga

It's seems people don't mean what they've said

So they'll say what they think you want to hear

Instead of the truth because it might hurt your feelings
When it's a friend whose opinion is valued
Isn't able or willing to be honest about what they think or feel
It leaves a feeling of mistrust and questioning
What else has been said because it was what they thought
you wanted to hear?
When a friend you care enough about to ask their opinion 
Isn't capable of being honest 
What is the basis of the friendship if it's not based?
On honesty, mutual respect, and understanding
Should it still be called a friendship?

Hearing the truth from a friend is easier to take
Then learning what I've been told wasn't true!

My birthday falls on Mothers day this year

It didn't happen often just enough for my Mom and I to have fun with it. One year I asked her "So what do you want for Mothers day?" Mom said "I already got my Mothers day gift I have  my three kids and that's all I ever wanted. And what do you want for your Birthday?" Two can play at this game, knowing she would react and there would be nothing she could do about it. So I told her the truth I got what I wanted already! she said "oh no you don't, you can't use mine!" My reply was, of course I can't may I finish? "yes!" Mom it is a gift I've only recently received from you and it's of your friendship,  no tears or arguments. From that point on when my birthday fell on Mother's day. The gift we gave each other was of spending time together not always on Mother's day, I do have two brothers who love her as I do. She was the glue that held her family  together. As a child knowing how much everyone within her family loved her and she loved them. I felt a bit jealous so I asked her, who do you love the most? This is how she put it to me "I don't love anyone the most, I've only loved them longer that all! Now as for you and your brothers I loved each of you even before you were born." After that I understood and didn't mind sharing her with any of the people she loved, I knew they all loved her just as much as I did.

The only thing I could honestly say I miss are her phone calls, for many years we had talked at the very least once a day. The last few years before she passed away, we had talked multiple times each day, we talked about everything and nothing for hours at a time. If by chance she called and I didn't answer, she could and did leave up to 20 messages on my phone in about 15 minutes, how she could was amazing to me. She worried about me more then she needed too, I tried to calm her fears but nothing I could do or say would calm her. So I started taking the phone with me everywhere. That worked fairly well unless I forgot it somewhere. If I were to wish, (which I don't do) it would be for her to call me, so could hear her voice once more. Hearing her in my head and heart just isn't the same some how. I can't really say I miss her because I feel her around me and she is the best part of who I am. When I make a bone headed decision, I can hear she saying "Well that's not the choice I would have made, however it wasn't my choice to make was it." Needless to say I've been hearing that one quite a bit lately.

I would say most if not all of my writings have been influenced by her in one way or another. She was the one who gave me the tools to find the questions I needed to find answers for. When she learned time was a commodity  she didn't have much of. The main thing she asked of me was, if I would at least try wearing more bright colors, so I am and starting to like it too. She wanted me to remember "That dying is just the last piece of living we have to get done.  So if you don't handle death well, then I didn't do a very good job of teaching you about life now did I!" And yes that does have guilt written all over it. The last was: Life will go on, it must because that's why life works.

Nope M.S. didn't stop me from taking vacation!

Getting ready for our first vacation in many years, what a rush and it's my first vacation since learning I have M.S. heading to Fort Meyers beach, Florida. Needing to get away from old man winter for the first time in my life. Watching the news reports from Japan and around the world as well as here at home. Not having any control of what is  happening or what will happen next. I'm not going to worry about it because I'm leaving in a few short hours, So I'll finish this after I get back and then I'll title it. So away I go until later which no one we notice the passage of time but me.

Okay we are back and I've posted my pictures on facebook and yes I'm behind every one of them just the way I like it. The suitcases are emptied and cleaned up and stored away. I've been putting this off for as long as I can, for my own selfish reasons. Oh well here goes, I'll just let the chips fell where they may!

It was truly  wonderful to see the ocean for the first time. The flight was great as was the resort, the room on third floor was beautiful the balcony was the best part, taking  pictures of the sunset everyday it really was a once in a life time vacation. Everything was laid back and easy, the food was very good. It was almost perfect until I got stubborn on our second day there. I wanted so badly to go to the sea shore we reserved a beach wheelchair and I didn't want to not use it, in case someone else wanted to use it to go down to the beach because I had only seen the one. By the time we got to the beach it was high noon, yep silly me it was also 88 degrees, so after being down there for a half hour. My M.S. and the heat I realized my mistake when I tried to speak all that came was sound. Jane said "she's having a stroke!" I tried to say no I'm just overheated but what came out, only reinforced what she was thinking! Now the main point of this trip was suppose to be to help Jane relax and for me to see the ocean and as my care giver in training as Jane calls herself. Jane has her own set of health issues. That have come up recently and the best way to help her is for her to stay calm and to limit the amount of stress she's under! My dumb shit way of thinking wasn't over yet, not by a long shot. The next morning I made the decision I could go down to the sea shore using my walker, yep sounds like a plan for disaster! It was about 63 degrees. And Yes I did make it to the shore and on the way back, I wasn't willing to admitted my mistake Well needless to say I was wrong again. Writing too many checks my body isn't capable of cashing. When we got up to the room Jane was so kind and said "I think we should hang out in the room today I'm tired and it going to get hot again today." Jane made a few trip down to visit with her sister Char, she didn't stay for very long we had room service for lunch. That night we went out to eat with Jane's sister Char and her son Steve to a very nice place the main course was nothing to write home about. After that we went back to our room and sat out on the balcony just listening to the waves hitting the shore it was a very nice way to end the day. Wednesday I woke up with that scary kind of sick, I think that enough detail, the long and short of it a supervisor came to check me and called an ambulance it was a side trip I really hadn't planned on. After all the test were done and 6 hour later, Jane told the Doctor we would be flying home the next day they released me and told to follow up with my doctor the next day.  My diagnoses  was heat exhaustion, food poisoning complicated by my M.S. drugs It was a long and uncomfortable flight home.  There's honestly is no place like home when you feel like crap.

On Friday I woke up feeling just as bad as I did in Florida the only difference was I hadn't eaten anything, so I called the V.A. and was told I should come in. Yep Jane was as unhappy about it as I was.  After 7 hours of tests I was told: liquids only and nothing solid, until no more ( mud pies ) for 5 days ! I think you all understand what I'm saying. So after 9 day of only liquids, I'm back on solid foods again I did miss chewing food more than I thought I would. Even with the two side trips it really was a vacation of a lifetime and we both have no regrets. For me getting to touch the ocean, the  biggest force on the surface of the earth that was more than I could have asked for. To see just how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of the world is priceless!

For both of us, it truly was a great trip and  a trip of a lifetime.    

#11 of Reflections To a dear friend

To a dear friend

Who knows this could even be about you!

By Mary K. Mennenga
Inspired by a very dear friend

My dear Friend,

You'll not always do or say the right thing, that isn't as important as  being there because you cared enough to be a friend and that's what was needed. Your friendship has shown me that life takes a lifetime to understand. With your willingness to share your time, talents and passion to help others whenever, you see pain and suffering you do all you can to help. You'll down play all you've done saying things like; "It wasn't much I only made a CD. I only went to visit them; I could or should have done more. It wasn't a big deal, I wasn't doing anything anyway." You feel what you did wasn't of much help, even when we try to thank and tell you how what you did had helped each of us a great deal. Then you'll say "It was the least I could do". Your only human but you want to be all things to everyone who you know is in need. So you push yourself so hard, you forget to take care of you.  Then when you do take time to take care of you, you feel bad about it. Everyone has limits even you my friend!

If I know you at all your probably sitting there reading this and thinking that I  don't know the real you. You judge yourself so harshly your unable to see, hear or believe when people try to tell you what a wonderful person you are and how glad we are to have you as a friend! All you seem to see are your shortcomings; your self-doubt isn't allowing you to see the truth. So you only look inward and make yourself both judge and prosecutor with no one to defend you. Because you've disregarded any of the positive things that people have said about you, which isn't a fair trial.

Now my dear friend, the next time you decide to stand in judgment of yourself. Take all the nice things that people have said about you as fact, whether you believe it or not because it's the truth as your defense. Now let God be the judge, God knows your heart even better than you do and God is fair. You don't seem to understand or see how much you are loved, for  just being you. I pray one day you will realize how blessed I feel having you in my life.

Your friend with love and heartfelt thanks, Mary

Friendship And The Loss of Hope

Is the best way to keep a friendship...

...To not talk about what you believe?

...To not talk about anything but what you both agree on?

...To hide your pain and fear's as well as your dreams and joy?

...To share only what is safe, and can't be misunderstood or taken in a negative way?

...To keep your distance so you don't get too close that your feeling show?

...To tell only what you think they want to hear?

...Don't ask what they think about something it may make them uncomfortable?

...Talk about the weather, sharing how you feel about it can be risky so be careful?

...If you don't hear from them for some time only call once!

...You don't want to bother or upset them!

...If you don't hear from them again don't worry, not everyone going to like you

...They aren't willing to take any risk, it's better to just let them go

I believe any kind of  friendship requires that risk's are taken by both people, a willingness to accept that each point of view isn't right or wrong it's just how they each see it. Understanding when it become about only who is right and who is wrong and neither one is willing to accept it's not about winning or losing.  It's understanding each other's right to disagree. If two friends can't set a side their differences and see the possibility of compromise and understanding. That's when  you see a possible future without compromise or understanding. When people live in fear, when money is more important then compassion and hope.