I'm so glad 2010 is over! It's had so many ups and downs, I felt like I've been on a roller-coaster almost the whole year and I don't like roller-coasters at all! With so many changes happening so close together I had trouble keeping up. I managed to make the adjustments I needed to until the longest relationship I've had in my life ended when my Mother passed away. She loved me even before I was born, as she did all her children. She was my best friend and it's not surprising that we both believed that dieing is just the last piece of living we need to get done. The day she died was the hardest day in my life because, I knew my phone would no longer ring because 99% of times when it rang it was her calling me. After she went into hospice I didn't see her very much not because I didn't want to or I couldn't get there, we had already said all we needed to say to each other with no regrets. She worried about me much more than I thought she needed too. When I did visit with her it was so she could see that I understood and was ready to stand on my own. The last visit I had with her was wonderful, I sang to her and we talked. As I was getting ready to leave I told her I would see her later. She said "no rush I'll look in on you from time to time". I said at least we won't need a phone to talk anymore she smiled and went back to sleep as I left.
I miss her everyday. I'm sure she is happier now being with her family and friends, she had missed them all so much. Mom was the last of her family to go. Knowing all this made it hard for me to be sad, at first I felt guilty because I wasn't falling apart. A few nights later as I tried again to sleep closing my eyes I saw my Mom sticking out her tongue at me! She wasn't known for doing that, however she did do it to me when I tried to act the way I thought people wanted me to, instead of just being myself.
Since April I've been a bit off trying to adjust to my Mom not calling or being able to see her. Knowing she already knows and no longer needs to worry about me because she knows I'm fine. It's taken awhile for me to figure out who I am without her and realizing I needed to accept and understand how much my life has changed and what I've learned is. How very different I am from my Mother in so many ways, no matter how much I didn't want that to be true it is. A very few may disagree and that's fine but most won't because they knew her just as well as I did. I'm not putting her on a pedestal I respect her to much to do that. She respected everyone and didn't judge any one's choices she felt that everyone has to do what's best for them and all she would say about it was "it may not be the choice I would have made, I know their doing the best they can and that's always good enough for me." So with that said I can't be anybody except myself it's taken time to get used to her being gone. Life goes on and for me I'll take the good with the bad and live by doing the best I can with what I've got, just like everybody else. She was a very rare kind of person, I feel blessed having had her as my mother and my friend.
Many other thing's happened throughout the year but none effected me as much as her passing did. It wasn't sad just hard, it's the way life is. I liked the way she put it to me "The longer you live the more you end up saying Goodbye, instead of getting to say Hello to a friend".
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