Thursday, April 26, 2012

Time and the ought to do.

It seems: Time we either have too much or not enough. Even though each hour holds the same amount of minutes and seconds! Who decides when something is a waste of time or does it matter? Having been asked "why are you wasting time doing this or that?" Trying to tell people because it's important to me, for some unknown reason, I'm told no body will notice! Sorry but I will, are they saying I'm nobody I don't think so. Time is a funny thing, how it can fly when your having fun. How it can drag on like doing anything you have to do that you would rather not do but, it's one of those things you ought to do!

About the ought to do's, I understand some ought to do, I've got to do like: seeing the doctor, having blood tests, basic stuff that needs checking on because of having m.s. and age has also become a factor.

When it comes to family and friends at times it feels like I'm the ought to do thing! Of course I love them and I know they love me that's a given. It seems at times to be a bit forced. Calling me which I have told them is hard for me. Having asked to just send me an E-mail because, it easier for me to write than to talk on the phone because, I'm so easily sidetracked that after I hang up I don't remember half of the conversion it's so frustrating! Knowing I kept them on the phone much longer then they or I had intended. Not wanting anyone to feel they should or have to visit or call, if that's the reason I would rather they not come or call at all. With my family and friends the bond I feel we share is love, no matter if we see each but once or maybe twice a year or if only by Facebook or g+ and or e-mail. Love is always present between us no matter what. It's a matter of trust and don't trying reading between the lines for I haven't written anything there! No matter how far apart we are there is always a line of love that keeps us connected.

As for my blogger, g+ and m.s. friends. That I have only met profile to profile and shared somethings I know 98% of those things I've chosen to share, I wouldn't want to be shared with people who aren't going through this crap we go through each day as we work through the punches M.S. lands seemly everyday.To find and keep our new normal's as long as we can. The one thing I do know about M.S. if I'm not careful, it will stand up and kick my anal-orifice or butt or my
a-double-s! Please pick the one your most comfortable with. 

Friday, April 20, 2012

On April 13 it's 2 years since Mom's goodbye

The reason for this post is having a new tenant moving in and for the first time it's a man. Meaning the flowered wallpaper in the bed room had to go, the peach painted walls that looked more pinker and the flowered shower curtain. For a single man not a good vibe. While I was doing the updating by removing the wallpaper, patching the nail holes, replacing light fixture, and bathroom vanity. Painting using bold solid and darker colors, basically making it into a man cave! Kept thinking about my Mom and how much fun we had doing many of the same things at "2932" it's what everyone called our house. The memories of how it never seemed like a chore, just spending time together fixing things just the two of us. The many trips to the hardware store, with parts in hand because we didn't know the real name of it. All we knew was it's broken. 2932 was a very old house, Her Mother (Mayme) had purchased the home in 1944, the day they moved in, was the first time her Father (Oscar) had seen it. Each time Mom and I were fixing this or that, hanging a picture or stuff like that, her memories of her life within those walls, were very entertaining. Knowing it was Friday the 13 which doesn't bother me but this time it was. Then realizing it was April 13, I understood why I was having all the memories and why it was hitting me so hard. 

Since my Mom has joined the rest of her family in haven. It may seem odd that I don't really miss her, how could I miss someone how is a part of who I am.

Before Mom (Auntie Adele and Friend) moved from "2932" Everyone in or close to the family knew one phone call to Auntie Adele (Mom) was the best way to find out how everyone was all my cousins would call or Mom would call them to talk about how things were going, and she would pass on all the good stuff. Remaining Mom, Auntie Adele and friend, by not sharing what wasn't hers to share, in one phone call all could get the family news of everyone who had talked to her. To be honest it's nice that now when we do get together, my family doesn't already know everything I've been doing.

Mom was the last one in her family to go; she wanted to make sure her brother and three sisters kid's we would be okay. Now it's the same as it was with her family. The sons and or daughters, of my Mom's brothers and sisters get together with their brothers and or sisters. For the most part we all stay in touch, Facebook is a great way to learn what and how everyone is doing. Every two years we all get together for a reunion which is a lot of fun.

Learning recently the relationship Mom and I shared was rare. She was the one who cut the apron strings, in a way of knocking herself off the Mommy pedestal I had put her on. When I stopped acting like a child, we were able to become friends She was my Mom and my best friend, She kept my secret's, taught me so many things here are a few of them: 1. The impossible just takes longer that's all! 2. Life has a beginning, a middle and one day it will end, that's why it works! 3. The only person  in control of life is you if not, then it's not your life your living! 4. To remember all the smiles, laughter and fun with joy. In sadness and loss remember the love that was and is shared. From the bad learn the lessons it has to teach you and let go! 5. Don't live your life in regret of the choices you've made in the past, for your not the same person you were back then. Just do the best you can with what you've got to work, as long as it's your best, it will always be more than enough.

No I don't miss her, I remember her Jokes, how much fun we had the pranks she pulled on everyone. How surprised she was when all the neighborhood kids sang her Happy Birthday when she came home from work one year, yes I had told them it was her birthday, but they asked me if they could sing her happy birthday,  when I opened the back door twenty+ kids started singing, it was priceless. Driving my Mom and Auntie Jo up to see their cousin Boot's and his sister Nancy a four hour drive. We were over half way there in the middle of nowhere the car started acting up turned the radio down trying to hear what was wrong my Mom started giggling, from the back seat as she leaning forward and rocked back making the car move! I yelled MOM what are you doing? Her answer was "Well I thought you may be getting bored!" The number of hours we spent talking on phone about everything and nothing at the same time. How she loved her family and the way she could always find something good to say about everyone. I'm grateful to her for showing that love can and should be given unconditionally to all the people you love, because it's a gift not given for gain. It's the heart knowing love can't be won, earned or forced it just is!


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

First Things First

Finding kindness 
isn't hard to do
when looking in the mirror
seeing it looking back at 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

The Last of My Written Reflections is Done!

I started keeping a journal in 1975 by 1987 the numbers of boxes and the information within became a risk. The weight alone would be a strain if I was going to move. Being in my mom house I knew they were safe, knowing she would never read them, but what if some else did? The thought sent a cold chill through my heart. Within the pages was many very raw feeling, from everything I had gone through so far in my life. Were meant only for me! What if I died or if I had succeeded in my attempts at suicide. What was I thinking? Only of myself, that for sure!
Having gained tools to handle and deal with what was within those pages. Taking one book at a time, saving the good and life changing events, lessons learned and a few things I hadn’t yet made peace with. Over the years I had started removing names allowing the pain to fade, seeing all that I was continuing to hold on to. It wasn’t helpful instead it was holding me back, watching as I let it go falling into the well of forgiveness and feeling my heart beating as if for the first time.
In 1989 I took a hard look at my part in screwing up my life and taking responsibility for the choices I made and how I had allowed others to treat me. Mom helped me see that playing the blame game wasn’t going to get me anywhere. There was never a doubt that she loved me. Mom knew I had been working on condensing my journals for years, and wanted to know what I had learned and what I was planning do with them now? Telling her I’ve made them into more of a way of reflecting on what I’ve learned, forgiving things people did that hurt me and forgiving myself for allowing it to happen! By removing the names and letting the pain go. Understanding it’s about the lessons that living life has taught me, making it what it is today. My written reflections I had no intension of sharing them with anyone but her.
When I was diagnosed with Multiply Sclerosis in 2001 Mom wanted me to write them out into the form their in now. In 2003 writing became harder and too painful to write much at all, I was still working. By the end of 2005 I had to stop working. In 2006 One trip to the emergency room without health insurance, it was time to move into the city, so I could start going to V.A. hospital. Mom was very glad we did, she worried so much about me. The landlords were friends, so it worked out good for everyone. Only 15 minutes from the V.A. very handy indeed.
Was given an old computer by our friends, when mom heard this she asked are you ready to get back to writing again? So I got back to writing. Mom was my editor with her 8th grade education and my spelling it was good enough for the two of us. My losing the ability to drive and Moms health and eye sight declining, no one knew she was recognizing people by the sound of their voices. My brothers and I knew how bad her health problems were. This information she didn’t want shared with anyone, if asked tell them I’m fine and that’s what I did. She asked so little it was her choice if I disagreed to bad it wasn’t my choice to make. We had gotten through almost all of them. Then Mom asked me to write one about her, using her words and way of looking at the world and living her life. It’s on my blog; May 19, 2011 the title is Mother, Grandmother, Auntie and Friend.
She wanted me to make my writing into a book along with The Journey of Finding Myself and Living with Multiple Sclerosis or to get them published. That wasn't why I started writing them in the first place! Well I think posting them here is good enough.

Thank you to all who have read and or added your comments. This was the last thing my Mom Adele K. Mennenga wanted me to do and now that it’s done. Now I understand why she felt it was necessary for me to do this. To help me learn life is about the journey of living, no matter the hand life has dealt me. Teaching me how to find my own answers which only leads to more question

My Written Reflections
By Mary K. Mennenga
The list of titles

1.      A Dream
2.      My Dearest Love
3.      What I’ve Learned So far
4.      Without Hope
5.      Love Is Not Blind
6.      At What Cost
7.      When You Truly Love
8.      Why Do You…Why don’t you
9.      Life As I see It
10.  Why Not!
11.  To A Dear Friend
12.  Words
13.  The Truth About Guilt
14.  The Thing About Worry
15.  What Do You Really Mean?
16.  In The Span Of Life It’s The Middle That Matters
17.  This Is For The Few That Feel The Help Given Wasn’t Much Help At All
18.  An Ending Maybe Or Not
19.  Love As A Word And A Feeling
20.  How Things Workout
21. Did You Know
22.  The Bond Between Friends
23.  It’s Up To You
24.  It’s Odd, But Really Not So Much
25.  What Is It That Makes Pity So Painful?
26.  Making Assumption
27. You Being You Is Amazing
28.  A Thunderstorm Brings Peace
29.  The Step You’ve Taken Together Today
30.  When A Friendship Changes or Ends
31.  If You Could See Past Disability
32.  Fighting An Unseen Foe
33.  Misunderstanding It’s Not A Choice
34.  One Cold Wind
35.  Common Not All Are Capable
36. June 1980
37. One Man By Unsure
38. Win, Win
39. If I Had The Ability To Read Minds
40. Honey
41. Questions Don’t Mean Answers
42. Honesty-Dishonesty
43. Friends
44. Abilities, Capabilities and Choices!
45. Love Lost Hate Forever
46. It’s Happening Now
47. To Pitch Or Keep
48. Sharing The Depth Of Love
49. It’s Automatic
50. Friendships
51. Questions Of Faith Tested
52. Meaning The Most
53. Why is When…?