Thursday, April 21, 2011

My birthday falls on Mothers day this year

It didn't happen often just enough for my Mom and I to have fun with it. One year I asked her "So what do you want for Mothers day?" Mom said "I already got my Mothers day gift I have  my three kids and that's all I ever wanted. And what do you want for your Birthday?" Two can play at this game, knowing she would react and there would be nothing she could do about it. So I told her the truth I got what I wanted already! she said "oh no you don't, you can't use mine!" My reply was, of course I can't may I finish? "yes!" Mom it is a gift I've only recently received from you and it's of your friendship,  no tears or arguments. From that point on when my birthday fell on Mother's day. The gift we gave each other was of spending time together not always on Mother's day, I do have two brothers who love her as I do. She was the glue that held her family  together. As a child knowing how much everyone within her family loved her and she loved them. I felt a bit jealous so I asked her, who do you love the most? This is how she put it to me "I don't love anyone the most, I've only loved them longer that all! Now as for you and your brothers I loved each of you even before you were born." After that I understood and didn't mind sharing her with any of the people she loved, I knew they all loved her just as much as I did.

The only thing I could honestly say I miss are her phone calls, for many years we had talked at the very least once a day. The last few years before she passed away, we had talked multiple times each day, we talked about everything and nothing for hours at a time. If by chance she called and I didn't answer, she could and did leave up to 20 messages on my phone in about 15 minutes, how she could was amazing to me. She worried about me more then she needed too, I tried to calm her fears but nothing I could do or say would calm her. So I started taking the phone with me everywhere. That worked fairly well unless I forgot it somewhere. If I were to wish, (which I don't do) it would be for her to call me, so could hear her voice once more. Hearing her in my head and heart just isn't the same some how. I can't really say I miss her because I feel her around me and she is the best part of who I am. When I make a bone headed decision, I can hear she saying "Well that's not the choice I would have made, however it wasn't my choice to make was it." Needless to say I've been hearing that one quite a bit lately.

I would say most if not all of my writings have been influenced by her in one way or another. She was the one who gave me the tools to find the questions I needed to find answers for. When she learned time was a commodity  she didn't have much of. The main thing she asked of me was, if I would at least try wearing more bright colors, so I am and starting to like it too. She wanted me to remember "That dying is just the last piece of living we have to get done.  So if you don't handle death well, then I didn't do a very good job of teaching you about life now did I!" And yes that does have guilt written all over it. The last was: Life will go on, it must because that's why life works.

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