Thursday, February 23, 2012

Just thinking of time and age

On Tuesday I had a very bad day. Most of  the time I'm able to brush it off and stop my private little pity party, before it gets started. M.S. did play a roll into why it was happening, as did facing some old memories from my past. Life is trial and error at first I was wrong a lot however it was my best option at the time. My past has shaped who I am today, because or in spite of the choices I had to make, a long with what happened to me that I had no control of. Facing the fact, the things that happened changed me, I'll get to those in a bit. Because I had made choices to keep myself safe from getting or being hurt.

First I got sober, had stopped main lining(shooting up) 2 years before going into treatment for alcohol and drug additions, since I was young I had always been thin, no one knew I thought I was a fat sow, and suffered from Anorexia Neuroses (starvation) being 5'6" and 1/2 feet tall weight at my least 85 pounds and the most was 125 pounds. When I went into treatment I weighted 110 lbs. Yes I was trying to kill myself the treatment center Doctor's said if I lost one pound my treatment would end because my blood levels were so low the two things that helped to keep weight down were the drugs and alcohol, without them I had no choice but to eat real food the first week was hell. Each passing week it got easier, to eat real food knowing when I got out I would lose the extra tonnage in less then three days and I did in two days.

Had I known that treatment was the easy part, after 30 day's I was back in the real world and now I needed to deal with the reasons why I couldn't face life without being buzzed. so much this part was much harder and costing more then my drugs and alcohol took over three years of paying $65. dollars per hour to deal with the reasons why I was trying to kill myself. Sometime at times I saw my therapist 3 or 4 times a week. Without her don't know where I would be today. Dealing with having been raped at 13 years old, one person knocked me down so many times emotionally that, I truly felt that I was worthless, and that it was my fault my Mom and Dad got divorced. Being gang rapped while in the army, now the next time two men tried to rape me. I beat the crap out of them and left them laying in a heap on the road. Leaving the car at the main gate with the MP's and all my information found out later they had been beating so badly the same body part would never work the same again, no need to worry about them trying rape any one again. No I will not be a victim again! My Mom watched me change and grow into what she had hopped I would become a strong, independent woman capable of handling what ever life tossed in my way.

Over the years I have lost friendships it does not matter why or if we just let each other go. At first I thought I did something wrong time as taught me other wise, a few I tried to reconnect with them but we are now so different from each other there is I guess no middle ground could be found. A year after I got out of treatment within 30 day's I loss 6 good friends, two took their own life, these were the hardest I had seen and talked to both of them not long before, I had no clue even after going over the conversions in my mind just couldn't see or understand why, two died in car accidents and two of health problems, all under the age of 30. Went to each visitation and four funerals.After losing my friends, for a long time I kept all my friendships at arms length. 

I think that's why I had such a bad Tuesday I've been thinking about them lately. Each one was my friend but they weren't friends with each, odd to remember that maybe because I did  different things with each of them. 
Going to be turning 50 in May, guess I'm looking through my life and seeing all the joy and fun that my friendships have brought me over the years, I miss them and wonder what they would think of who I am today.

Feeling much better now, guess I just needed to write it down.   


Karen said...

Congratulations on getting sober!

Turning 50 is a milestone. I don't know why, but it is. I thought it was going to be a nasty birthday, but in actually fact, it didn't feel much different than turning 49the year before.

My best friend died when we were both 29, I miss her terribly.

It's often good to vent. I am glad you feel better having gotten that all off your chest.

Mary K. Mennenga said...

Thanks Karen, Looking at years of living and all I've gained from having so many wonderful people coming and going throughout my life.
With the loss of my 6 dear friends, in such a short span of time hit me harder this time and I miss them still.
Now I do feel better letting my history out on my blog was for me way of letting go and keeping all the memories. mkm

Kim @ Stuff could... said...

I kept looking back at what I wish I had done when I turned 50...Good for sober. Hope you feel better

Travelogue for the Universe said...

A fine look back to the first 50. The battles show how strong you are. How much compassion you can have for others. I found 50 a good age, I became a true adult. Have a great weekend. mary

Mary K. Mennenga said...

Kim and Mary, Thank you both for your kindness, I am feeling better.

Nancy said...

Glad you are feeling better. I tend to think back too much and now trying to just enjoy the here and now. It's hard enough to focus anyway. I often said there are no books that I know of to prepare you for stages in one's life. I found out the sky did NOT fall when I turned 60. We can't change what was, but we can choose our next chapter. Hugs!

Mary K. Mennenga said...

Nancy, I don't look back, for I'm not the same person I was back then, thank goodness! Remembering all the people who have help me become who I am today. mkm

Kate said...

Mary, this is the first chance I have to catch on other people's blogs. It was sad but inspiring to read your post and see how far you have come. It's very therapeutic to vent on blogs isn't :O)

Mary K. Mennenga said...

Kate, So glad you stopped by. Thank you for all your kind words, as for venting here is the place that I feel the safest so here is where I do it now, I was surprised how good I felt after letting it out. Take care, and have fun! mkm