On Tuesday I had a very bad day. Most of the time I'm able to brush it off and stop my private little pity party, before it gets started. M.S. did play a roll into why it was happening, as did facing some old memories from my past. Life is trial and error at first I was wrong a lot however it was my best option at the time. My past has shaped who I am today, because or in spite of the choices I had to make, a long with what happened to me that I had no control of. Facing the fact, the things that happened changed me, I'll get to those in a bit. Because I had made choices to keep myself safe from getting or being hurt.
First I got sober, had stopped main lining(shooting up) 2 years before going into treatment for alcohol and drug additions, since I was young I had always been thin, no one knew I thought I was a fat sow, and suffered from Anorexia Neuroses (starvation) being 5'6" and 1/2 feet tall weight at my least 85 pounds and the most was 125 pounds. When I went into treatment I weighted 110 lbs. Yes I was trying to kill myself the treatment center Doctor's said if I lost one pound my treatment would end because my blood levels were so low the two things that helped to keep weight down were the drugs and alcohol, without them I had no choice but to eat real food the first week was hell. Each passing week it got easier, to eat real food knowing when I got out I would lose the extra tonnage in less then three days and I did in two days.
Had I known that treatment was the easy part, after 30 day's I was back in the real world and now I needed to deal with the reasons why I couldn't face life without being buzzed. so much this part was much harder and costing more then my drugs and alcohol took over three years of paying $65. dollars per hour to deal with the reasons why I was trying to kill myself. Sometime at times I saw my therapist 3 or 4 times a week. Without her don't know where I would be today. Dealing with having been raped at 13 years old, one person knocked me down so many times emotionally that, I truly felt that I was worthless, and that it was my fault my Mom and Dad got divorced. Being gang rapped while in the army, now the next time two men tried to rape me. I beat the crap out of them and left them laying in a heap on the road. Leaving the car at the main gate with the MP's and all my information found out later they had been beating so badly the same body part would never work the same again, no need to worry about them trying rape any one again. No I will not be a victim again! My Mom watched me change and grow into what she had hopped I would become a strong, independent woman capable of handling what ever life tossed in my way.
Over the years I have lost friendships it does not matter why or if we just let each other go. At first I thought I did something wrong time as taught me other wise, a few I tried to reconnect with them but we are now so different from each other there is I guess no middle ground could be found. A year after I got out of treatment within 30 day's I loss 6 good friends, two took their own life, these were the hardest I had seen and talked to both of them not long before, I had no clue even after going over the conversions in my mind just couldn't see or understand why, two died in car accidents and two of health problems, all under the age of 30. Went to each visitation and four funerals.After losing my friends, for a long time I kept all my friendships at arms length.
I think that's why I had such a bad Tuesday I've been thinking about them lately. Each one was my friend but they weren't friends with each, odd to remember that maybe because I did different things with each of them.
Going to be turning 50 in May, guess I'm looking through my life and seeing all the joy and fun that my friendships have brought me over the years, I miss them and wonder what they would think of who I am today.
Feeling much better now, guess I just needed to write it down.