#16 Reflections In the span of life

In the span of life

It's the middle that matters

By Mary K. Mennenga

Learning your capable of doing something doesn't mean you should
Time teaches us we aren't as smart as we thought
When we become willing to admit this, that's when growth begins
We no longer need to be told what someone else thinks
The answer to our question is
We begin to seek out the answers for ourselves
To the questions that the answers bring to mind
Creating even more answers that need questioning
As we begin to make decisions about what we believe the truth is
Who we are and what's important to us and why
We learn that each choice we make will change
What choices and options are available to us
It becomes a lifelong cycle of questions, answers
Learning and personal growth making decisions and choices
It's a kind of learning that you learn as you go
So don't judge yourself too harshly
This never-ending cycle helps you become
The person you know you want to be
It's a journey that no matter what you do
Still takes a lifetime to finish

#15 of Reflections What do you really mean?

What to you really mean?

By Mary K. Mennenga

It's seems people don't mean what they've said

So they'll say what they think you want to hear

Instead of the truth because it might hurt your feelings
When it's a friend whose opinion is valued
Isn't able or willing to be honest about what they think or feel
It leaves a feeling of mistrust and questioning
What else has been said because it was what they thought
you wanted to hear?
When a friend you care enough about to ask their opinion 
Isn't capable of being honest 
What is the basis of the friendship if it's not based?
On honesty, mutual respect, and understanding
Should it still be called a friendship?

Hearing the truth from a friend is easier to take
Then learning what I've been told wasn't true!

My birthday falls on Mothers day this year

It didn't happen often just enough for my Mom and I to have fun with it. One year I asked her "So what do you want for Mothers day?" Mom said "I already got my Mothers day gift I have  my three kids and that's all I ever wanted. And what do you want for your Birthday?" Two can play at this game, knowing she would react and there would be nothing she could do about it. So I told her the truth I got what I wanted already! she said "oh no you don't, you can't use mine!" My reply was, of course I can't may I finish? "yes!" Mom it is a gift I've only recently received from you and it's of your friendship,  no tears or arguments. From that point on when my birthday fell on Mother's day. The gift we gave each other was of spending time together not always on Mother's day, I do have two brothers who love her as I do. She was the glue that held her family  together. As a child knowing how much everyone within her family loved her and she loved them. I felt a bit jealous so I asked her, who do you love the most? This is how she put it to me "I don't love anyone the most, I've only loved them longer that all! Now as for you and your brothers I loved each of you even before you were born." After that I understood and didn't mind sharing her with any of the people she loved, I knew they all loved her just as much as I did.

The only thing I could honestly say I miss are her phone calls, for many years we had talked at the very least once a day. The last few years before she passed away, we had talked multiple times each day, we talked about everything and nothing for hours at a time. If by chance she called and I didn't answer, she could and did leave up to 20 messages on my phone in about 15 minutes, how she could was amazing to me. She worried about me more then she needed too, I tried to calm her fears but nothing I could do or say would calm her. So I started taking the phone with me everywhere. That worked fairly well unless I forgot it somewhere. If I were to wish, (which I don't do) it would be for her to call me, so could hear her voice once more. Hearing her in my head and heart just isn't the same some how. I can't really say I miss her because I feel her around me and she is the best part of who I am. When I make a bone headed decision, I can hear she saying "Well that's not the choice I would have made, however it wasn't my choice to make was it." Needless to say I've been hearing that one quite a bit lately.

I would say most if not all of my writings have been influenced by her in one way or another. She was the one who gave me the tools to find the questions I needed to find answers for. When she learned time was a commodity  she didn't have much of. The main thing she asked of me was, if I would at least try wearing more bright colors, so I am and starting to like it too. She wanted me to remember "That dying is just the last piece of living we have to get done.  So if you don't handle death well, then I didn't do a very good job of teaching you about life now did I!" And yes that does have guilt written all over it. The last was: Life will go on, it must because that's why life works.

#14 Reflections The thing about worry

The thing about worry

By Mary K. Mennenga

That you may not know is

Nothing changes because you worried about it

What's the reasoning behind all that worrying?

Or was it to give you something to do

As you wait to find out what has happened

About something you had no control of

What the outcome would be anyway

So what good did you gain from all that worrying?

That is a question I haven't heard an answer to

That justifies the amount of stress it causes!

#12 Reflections "Words"

Words

By Mary K Mennenga

Words are used to convey

Thought, feelings, intent or information

The lack of words can say more than you may think

Words have no meaning if
There's no action to back them up

So let your actions speak your words for you

It takes the guesswork out of

What your trying to say

If my wishes were rainbows that all I would ever see!

So it isn't something I do often, partly because if I did rainbows won't be so special. Because I wasn't feeling the best after the trip to Florida. I'm feeling much better now that what goes in stays in, almost all of the time and eating more solid food, each day is bringing my energy level up.

Now I've never been any good at taking it easy, I always feel I should be doing something. Considering this I'm not as smart as I like think I am. As proof not like I need any more! I pushed myself too hard again and bruised two rib's, smooth move will I ever learn? (A rhetorical question) I will start paying better attention to what my body is trying to tell me. Because the price continues to go up each time, I don't listen and I can't afford it anymore. So with all this down time I've been reading blogs, seeing how other people handle life's ups and downs. Realizing no one is alone in wanting and needing to find new ways to help themselves. Seeing how other people have found way's around similar problems, giving me a different perspective and the ability see options I hadn't realized were there before.  Seeing people who aren't willing to let stumbling block get in the way of living life, instead they turn those stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

Like most people I stumble a bit from time to time both physically and emotionally. Finding balance isn't easy for anyone because, life has so many choices that have to be made. With each choice made it changes what the next choices may or could be.

Throughout life things happen that can turn life upside down. All the plans and goals that had been set, need to be adjusted life becomes complicated. Feeling out of control of what is going to happen next, no matter who you are it gets to everyone no matter if it's big or small. How each person  chooses to handle it, isn't open for debate, each person will decide what's the best way for them to move forward. All anyone else can do to help is to support them.
  

# 10 of Reflections Why Not!

Why Not!

By Mary K. Mennenga

Take life head on experience it taking the good  with the bad

Stay true to yourself never quit or give up

Take it as it comes then making adjustments to what it brings your way

Live life your way or it's not your life your living

Joy and sadness are pieces of a life that's being lived

Living is about taking risks you'll get hurt that's true!

Don't willingly miss out on the joys of living out of fear of being hurt

No matter the path you choose to take, each ends at the same point

Find your joy it's what makes life worth living

Remember a job is how to make money so you can afford to do what you love and makes you happy and nothing more

Cherish the good the mistakes you've made in the past were not made by who you are today.

So let the past be about lessons learned and let it go already!

Stop using it as a weapon to hold you back from living

Life is way too short for that!

Nope M.S. didn't stop me from taking vacation!

Getting ready for our first vacation in many years, what a rush and it's my first vacation since learning I have M.S. heading to Fort Meyers beach, Florida. Needing to get away from old man winter for the first time in my life. Watching the news reports from Japan and around the world as well as here at home. Not having any control of what is  happening or what will happen next. I'm not going to worry about it because I'm leaving in a few short hours, So I'll finish this after I get back and then I'll title it. So away I go until later which no one we notice the passage of time but me.

Okay we are back and I've posted my pictures on facebook and yes I'm behind every one of them just the way I like it. The suitcases are emptied and cleaned up and stored away. I've been putting this off for as long as I can, for my own selfish reasons. Oh well here goes, I'll just let the chips fell where they may!

It was truly  wonderful to see the ocean for the first time. The flight was great as was the resort, the room on third floor was beautiful the balcony was the best part, taking  pictures of the sunset everyday it really was a once in a life time vacation. Everything was laid back and easy, the food was very good. It was almost perfect until I got stubborn on our second day there. I wanted so badly to go to the sea shore we reserved a beach wheelchair and I didn't want to not use it, in case someone else wanted to use it to go down to the beach because I had only seen the one. By the time we got to the beach it was high noon, yep silly me it was also 88 degrees, so after being down there for a half hour. My M.S. and the heat I realized my mistake when I tried to speak all that came was sound. Jane said "she's having a stroke!" I tried to say no I'm just overheated but what came out, only reinforced what she was thinking! Now the main point of this trip was suppose to be to help Jane relax and for me to see the ocean and as my care giver in training as Jane calls herself. Jane has her own set of health issues. That have come up recently and the best way to help her is for her to stay calm and to limit the amount of stress she's under! My dumb shit way of thinking wasn't over yet, not by a long shot. The next morning I made the decision I could go down to the sea shore using my walker, yep sounds like a plan for disaster! It was about 63 degrees. And Yes I did make it to the shore and on the way back, I wasn't willing to admitted my mistake Well needless to say I was wrong again. Writing too many checks my body isn't capable of cashing. When we got up to the room Jane was so kind and said "I think we should hang out in the room today I'm tired and it going to get hot again today." Jane made a few trip down to visit with her sister Char, she didn't stay for very long we had room service for lunch. That night we went out to eat with Jane's sister Char and her son Steve to a very nice place the main course was nothing to write home about. After that we went back to our room and sat out on the balcony just listening to the waves hitting the shore it was a very nice way to end the day. Wednesday I woke up with that scary kind of sick, I think that enough detail, the long and short of it a supervisor came to check me and called an ambulance it was a side trip I really hadn't planned on. After all the test were done and 6 hour later, Jane told the Doctor we would be flying home the next day they released me and told to follow up with my doctor the next day.  My diagnoses  was heat exhaustion, food poisoning complicated by my M.S. drugs It was a long and uncomfortable flight home.  There's honestly is no place like home when you feel like crap.

On Friday I woke up feeling just as bad as I did in Florida the only difference was I hadn't eaten anything, so I called the V.A. and was told I should come in. Yep Jane was as unhappy about it as I was.  After 7 hours of tests I was told: liquids only and nothing solid, until no more ( mud pies ) for 5 days ! I think you all understand what I'm saying. So after 9 day of only liquids, I'm back on solid foods again I did miss chewing food more than I thought I would. Even with the two side trips it really was a vacation of a lifetime and we both have no regrets. For me getting to touch the ocean, the  biggest force on the surface of the earth that was more than I could have asked for. To see just how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of the world is priceless!

For both of us, it truly was a great trip and  a trip of a lifetime.    

#11 of Reflections To a dear friend

To a dear friend

Who knows this could even be about you!

By Mary K. Mennenga
Inspired by a very dear friend

My dear Friend,

You'll not always do or say the right thing, that isn't as important as  being there because you cared enough to be a friend and that's what was needed. Your friendship has shown me that life takes a lifetime to understand. With your willingness to share your time, talents and passion to help others whenever, you see pain and suffering you do all you can to help. You'll down play all you've done saying things like; "It wasn't much I only made a CD. I only went to visit them; I could or should have done more. It wasn't a big deal, I wasn't doing anything anyway." You feel what you did wasn't of much help, even when we try to thank and tell you how what you did had helped each of us a great deal. Then you'll say "It was the least I could do". Your only human but you want to be all things to everyone who you know is in need. So you push yourself so hard, you forget to take care of you.  Then when you do take time to take care of you, you feel bad about it. Everyone has limits even you my friend!

If I know you at all your probably sitting there reading this and thinking that I  don't know the real you. You judge yourself so harshly your unable to see, hear or believe when people try to tell you what a wonderful person you are and how glad we are to have you as a friend! All you seem to see are your shortcomings; your self-doubt isn't allowing you to see the truth. So you only look inward and make yourself both judge and prosecutor with no one to defend you. Because you've disregarded any of the positive things that people have said about you, which isn't a fair trial.

Now my dear friend, the next time you decide to stand in judgment of yourself. Take all the nice things that people have said about you as fact, whether you believe it or not because it's the truth as your defense. Now let God be the judge, God knows your heart even better than you do and God is fair. You don't seem to understand or see how much you are loved, for  just being you. I pray one day you will realize how blessed I feel having you in my life.

Your friend with love and heartfelt thanks, Mary

# 9 Of my reflections Life as I see it

Life as I see it

By Mary Mennenga

Life isn't hard but living is a trial

That starts the first time we say "NO" to our parents

It's the first decision we make as a person

Parents can teach us that we have options

But where we go from there becomes a choice

This when we start learning that with choices comes consequences

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction

Now will we be negative or positive

Being negative is easy however it's much harder to over come

Being positive is a way of living looking forward

Negativity pushes everything away

Positivity draws everything toward it yet it repeals negativity

As with everything it depends on your prospective

And that's always relative

# 8 of my reflection's Why Do You...

WHY DO YOU...

...Not believe people when we say nice things about you

...Always think you fall short of  some list no one is keeping but YOU

... Keep thinking you've let others down

...Feel people are disappointed in you

...Set standards for yourself that only God can reach

WHY DON'T YOU...

...Accept that people think you're kind of wonderful

...Understand your human so stop keeping score

...Just do the best you can it's always more than good enough

...See that disappointments are just a fact of life

... Take each day as it comes and live every minute of it

...Realize your loved not because of what you do, but because of who you are

...Learn mistakes you think you've made were only life lessons you hadn't learned yet

...Understand you've helped a great deal because you took the time to show you cared

...See you've made life a little easier just by being here.

By Mary K. Mennenga