Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Been working on one of the first pages I did.

When I posted this the first time I couldn't read it through and now I hope it will be easier to read. Sorry about that folk's!
The title in pages is "This is the dream I had" the whole title is. 
Shortly after I lost my best friend
Who just happened to be a dog.
This is the dream I had

Working on this page has always been hard. Jane and I got Honey girl as a puppy just six weeks old, all of her life 13 and half years. Honey girl and I did everything together, making some jobs harder to get done, I really didn't mind she kept me entertained, with the ways she tried to help. Most of the time it involved a rock or a ball, some how she thought it would help! 

The last six mouths of her life had been hard on all three of us. Honey had gotten sick becoming so dependent on me she wouldn't even go outside without me and if we could she wouldn't stay outside long enough to get her business done. When she lost her hearing and her always needing to be so close to me. It had caused me to fall many times, some were very painful for me because I made sure I didn't fall on her. Now this wasn't information I cared to share. Honey girl had gotten to the point that if she couldn't find me, she got so upset, it made her sick. Sleeping in bed was out of the question because the bed was too high for her to see me, so she would whine. So I started sleeping in my chair, with the added stress my M.S. really started acting up. Jane was trying to help but Honey girl wouldn't do anything without me, so of course I just got madder at my body for not doing what I asked of it and that just made the M.S. worst yet, at the time blaming Jane and myself was easier. Because I refused to blame Honey girl I loved her so much. Honey girl got much worst unable to get up without help and lost all control of her bodily functions. It was time to stop her suffering. Jane and I knew, Honey Girl hated going to the vet. she would be sick for days even if it was just a check up. Neither of us wanted her to go through that kind of stress. A friend knew of a vet that would come to the house to put her down in her own bed, with me and her toys all around her.

When the vet came Honey girl seemed so happy to see this vet! Honey wasn't one who let people pet her, when she first met them, she had always been shy at first unless, you wanted to play catch or to play with her toy. The vet and her assistant had nothing like that, but Honey girl pushed passed me to greet them. Did she know why they were there? Was she glad they were going to put an end to her suffering? The vet give her a check up and told me how very sick Honey was, it would have only been a matter of days before she would have passed away on her own. The vet was surprised she had lived this long considering how sick she was. Honey girl and I went outside and played catch one last time and she went potty! We went inside and she went straight to her bed and laid down with her toys, I was petting her as I watched as the light in her eyes slowly faded away. A few weeks later I had gotten some sleep and was beginning to get my energy back, then I felt so guilty I cried for hours, in the hallway it still smelled like Honey Girl. Then I started thinking was the real reason I put Honey Girl down, for selfish reasons? That night I got my answer in the form of a dream, I didn't want to forget it! You know how that happens, so I called my Mom and told her about it. She stayed on the phone with me until I got it all down. (in pages it's This is the dream I had) I have only dreamed about the field of grass a few time, the last time was a few months after my Mom passed away. That dream I couldn't write down, it faded so quickly after I woke up. What I d0 remember is the feelings of love and peace it give me and that's good enough for me.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I've been a bit off as of late

Sometimes when this happens I don't understand, why it takes me so long to realize, I've got some kind of a chip on my shoulder. No wait that's not it, it's more of annoyed feeling I can't figure out why would I feel this way. Learning at last I was trying to figure out, my heart with my head! Rarely does that have a worthwhile out come. So until I allowed myself to feel what it was, I was afraid of feeling. Now that I've written it out, it seems kind of funny being afraid of  something I know is within my control. Oh my goodness fear is a thief that can sneak in, making mountains out of the smallest of sand piles. It's amazing once I faced my fear it turned out to be about the silliest of things. It's about my family reunion weekend this Saturday! It's the first time in Oh I can't remember when, I don't know what every one's been doing and realizing that the same is also true for them about me. Sharing with each other first hand what we feel is worth sharing, I really think this will be fun and nothing I need to be afraid of.

This time Mom will be there in spirit, at the last reunion two years ago. Mom didn't want me to share any of her health problems, all that could be done had already been done. For her this was about her spending time with her whole family. What she needed the was for everyone to remember her, as she had always been, good old Auntie Adele and friend. Not that this would be the last time they would see her. This meant she wanted bit of help at first, by letting her know who was coming in to visit, without them knowing I was doing it. Because she couldn't see far or well at all, the way she recognized everyone was by the sound of their voices. Another piece of information she hadn't wanted me to share so I didn't. As people walked by  she would ask me if that was one of our group or not, as people started coming to visit her, she wanted to visit with all of them, just not all at once. Mom had wanted me to bring my written reflection's she was proud of them and she had been my editor, but I knew that wasn't the only reason she wanted them, it didn't take long to understand it was meant as tool for me to  run interference for her. Of course it worked like a charm, when too many conversation were going on all at once she would bring up my writings. The first time she said; "Mary show (so and so) your written reflection the one about, which ever one she thought the person would be interested in". It was my cue to distract some conversation away from her to me, with all the voices and more coming in all the time. She didn't want to miss her chance to talk with each and everyone of them. As she began  bringing all the conversation back together. Gathering up the discarded copies of my reflection knowing they had done what she had needed them to do, I took my spot sitting just behind her. Watching as she directed all of us that had come, getting everyone talking to and with each other without her having to talk about herself. She just took it all in, adding in her stories of each of us and filling in the gapes of memories and adding in the reaction of their parents, had told her about what the kids had done. It was she told later, so nice having her whole family back together again, reminding her of all the great gathering we have had with her whole family all together once more.

It will be interesting to see how and who will bring all of us together as a family. Already knowing it will not be me, I'm still considered as the baby by some and with my M.S. forget it! We all say some of the same thing she did. Being afraid of the unknown isn't me, as I told Mom many years ago. It is what it is until it isn't what it once was. Making this reunion brand new, where it goes if it's the start of something new or the last of it's kind? Only time and each member of the whole family knows the answer. As for me, I'm no longer able to plan that far ahead. With M.S. I just don't know that the future may hold. 

Thursday, August 18, 2011

#29 The steps you've taken together today

For Katie & Nick
On their wedding day
By Katie's Auntie Mary K. Mennenga

The steps you've taken together today
Isn't as big as the step you took
A few years ago
When you opened your hearts
To each other
So today we join with you
In celebrating the love
You share with and for each other
Knowing the love you two share
Has already stood up to
A test of time
And is even stronger now because
As two strong independent, unique, individuals
By your choosing to become partners
In whatever life has in store
for each of you
Realizing you're stronger together
There isn't an obstacle
That by working together you can't handle
I know this because you are both
Too tenacious to allow that to happen 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

#28 A thunderstorm brings peace

A thunderstorm brings peace
By Mary K. Mennenga

The hardest day in my life was the day my Mom died
I wasn't sad, more relieved her life had become so complicated
She has always been my rock and her love never wavered
She always had a positive attitude and whenever obstacle's littered her path; she didn't walk around them, instead she worked her way though them all.
She wasn't one to make mountains out of molehills
She preferred to live and let live
She didn't want anyone to worry or fuss over her
Living her life in control of her choices, when attempting to accept that she needed help, wasn't a role she was familiar with or cared for much!
She knew it was essential and handled it the best she could
As her night came a thunderstorm rolled in
She went to see what the ruckus was all about
As she did an Angel went home to heaven.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Wet Bulb Global Temperature Index (standard*)

This information is good enough to stand as it's own post. Having M.S. the heat for me carries it's own stress that has taken me out of action more than once. On the table below the far right column is my own guideline and at the bottom is how I need to manage a whole day of actives. Yes it sucks having limitations of what I can and can't do but it's better then ending up in a Ambulance and or a Hospital! Been there done that more than once and don't want to do that again. Each person can set their own limit.

Wet Bulb Global Temperature (heat) Index (Standard*)
                                                                                          My M.S.
Category        Temperature         work/rest             work/rest
1                          78-81.9                   40/20                    30/30
2 (green)           82-84.9                  30/30                    20/40
3 (yellow)          85-87.9                  30/30                    10/50
4 (red)               88-89.9                  20/40                     5/55
5 (black)           90-or greater         10/50                     0/60

For each hour worked using this chart, I decrease work by 10 minutes and increase rest by 20 minutes. Anything over 4 hours increase rest by one hour for the rest of day. If temperatures drop down below index category 1 it's a judgement call based on how well I stuck to the day plan.

*Standard is set by a person who is physically fit and in good general health within the age range of 18 to 23 years old.

Friday, August 5, 2011

The year in Pictures 2011

From January to August 2011
These are the similar pictures I have taken so far this year. The snow didn't really start melting, until the end of March by April 15 it was gone.  Then it really got cold it stayed below average until middle of June. July went off the charts hot with dew points in the upper 70's and 80. We set a record for the highest dew point ever at 82 degrees. Here in Minnesota the dew points in the summer, on average we have 13 days of dew points in the 60's to low 70's, this year we've had 19 days and it's not even the dog days of summer. A few times each year it will get too hot to rain, that has only happened once so far meaning it's been a very wet.  In the winter dew points are 30's and 40's. The yearly average dew point is in the high 40's. Like summer in winter it gets too cold to snow, that's when you can see ice crystals in the air that don't seem to hit the ground like dew would. How this happens here in both summer and winter is when the upper and surface temperature is around the same. The reasons the ground frost here can go deeper then 4 feet down, when we don't have enough snow cover to insulate the ground until mid November or December. Now if your still reading this you have more information about Minnesota climate then some of the people who live here have. 
This year within 48 hours we went from a high of  58 degrees with a dew point of 43, to a high of 83 degrees and the dew point in the mid 70's. People like to say "It's not the heat it's the humidity!" The higher the dew point temperature is, the harder it makes it to breath.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I would prefer to be told to shut up!


How often do people actively listen? To what is being said, does it depend on who is speaking or how they are saying it. This is to the people who say nothing and let this person ramble on and on until they are so far off the point they have forgotten that they wanted you to hear. When engaged in conversation with someone and they said something you didn't want to hear, did you tell them how you felt about the statement made or did you tune out and stop listening and talking, letting them keep rambling on and on.

I'm one of those who rambling on and on, it's not because I like to hear my own voice. It's madding when I realize it wasn't that the person didn't understand what I was trying to say. They just ended the conversation without informing me. It would be easier on me if the person had gone ahead and told me to shut up because they didn't care what I had to say.

Of course, I begin to realize to keep it short, answering the question or statement. I will not again sound like a fool! Most people don't like sounding or looking foolish that includes me.

The part that sickens me. Is when the person asks me, why aren't you talking to me? Sorry but I could answer but I don't for if I did then I would just sound foolish all over again! been there done that.