The older I get, what matters most is the love shared.

The earliest memory of my Mother was hearing her being asked "Who do love the most?" her answer was always "I've loved them longer, what all!" One day I asked her "How long have you loved Me?" Her answer was, I loved you before you were born!

I Didn't mind Ma calling me her baby girl, cause I was. The best part of being the youngest was, watching what happened when the older kid's got busted for breaking her rules. I learned the rules and worked within them. With two older brothers, me being a pest. As I walked away, saying I'm telling Mom! Funny part was Ma didn't like tattletales. I knew better so I never did tell her.
  
Ma was a "yes" or "no", as I got older I tried to get her to change her mind, never worked her answer was "What part of "NO" do you not understand the N or the O!" No answer needed. After that she gave that look of don't push it missy!

One summer I was feed up with all the rules Ma had only on me! So I asked if I go live with my Dad & Ellie, youngest daughter was also staying there at first it was great no rules! By the second night the no rules was not, a safe place at all. All mom said was "Next time you want to live with your Father there will be no coming back!" I understood her rules kept me safe. Years later we talk about just once.

The year Brian & Mary got a chandler for the dining room, all the needles fell off her Christmas Tree. Drove Ma over to Nancy's so Ma could help Nancy and I took home the artificial tree. I got back the boy's put up the Chandler, I put up Ma's Christmas Tree. 

After celebrating Christmas Eve with Family, time head home for Ma to see her Chandler and Christmas Tree. The boy's were waiting inside, ready to get a picture! Ma stopped short because, she couldn't see the red knitted bird cage, on the the back wall. As Brian turned up the lights I tried and failed, to push her into the room. We all sat in the living room talking about our younger day's,  the boy's said I tattled on them all the time! Ma was shocked before she said anything I said "Ma, doesn't like tattle tails! I told them I was going to tell Ma! I never did! Instead I asked her questions about growing up at "2932" Ma and I talked about her growing up with her sister's and her Mom and Dad, her memories never changed, always full of love for them all. 

My one regret is I wrote her stories in my journal's l've kept since 5th grade. Had to see a mental health therapist. He taught how to hide my feeling and put on my happy face. I told him "I hated my dad!" He told me to call if I felt I needed to see him again. I told Ma I'm fine now, I don't need to see him again. Thankfully I found writing helped. In 7th grade I started drinking. In high school, starting working, also found drugs helpful. Been clean and sober for over 30 years.

The summer before my senior year at North high school in1979. I worked for The Youth Conservation Corps of Minnesota near Hinckley, MN. It was awesome, making trails in Minnesota State Park's. Learning why conservation was so important, to the health of our planet as a whole. The program lasted 6 weeks at the end we took a test, on what we learned. The program leader asked if would, like to take a free class in South Minneapolis to learn more about the work The U.S. National Park Service does? I said, Yes but why me? Your answer's showed, how much you learned. In just 6 week's. Ma signed the form. At the end of the class, we all took an hour long test. Only three people passed me and two guy's. Now we needed to write an essay about why we wanted to be a national park ranger. The winner would get cost free training as a park ranger 6 months out in the field then 6 mouths in a state parks in your home state. At the end of your training of 3 years, you will be a U.S. National Park Ranger. The dropout rate is over 50% in the first year. In May I got a letter telling me I was 1st runner up. Told Ma about it, she said lets wait and see you never know, give it some time! I told her Okay it's worth waiting for. The day's turned into weeks, I really wanted it to happen. My bother John wasn't helping I never told him about it. A few day's later John started in on me again, telling me "I'd never make more than minimum wage!" What was I wait for, no-one would be dumb enough to turn down the chance like that. A  short time later, Army recruiter called, came over went took the test and the physical passed them both! I got a job, only took 3 hours and I was going to make more money than John! Telling my Ma I joined the Army and I'm leaving for boot camp the next day! Going to Fort Jackson, in South Carolina. I wasn't able to call Ma until 2 weeks later, she told me they called she told them I joined the army. Never told her the real reason why, it was the only choice I felt I had at the time. The best part is, I've never had a minimum wage job since.  

The journal I started in 5th grade, continues today it's a tool I need, to separate my feeling from action's taken or my reaction's. When I decided to put the lessons I learned, into My Written Reflections. I Had been writing since 5th grade over 4 thousand pages into 5 box's safe in the blue bedroom closet at "2932" Only moved them out because Brian was going to put shelves in there for Ma. 

 I've finished by adding them on to my Blogspot "it is what it is until it isn't what it once was"

After Jane, Honey Girl and I moved back to Minnesota from Wisconsin 12 year's ago. It's time wasted so I kept the good, the rest is history. 

On the fun side, this year I turned 58 on May 8. Had my golden Birthday when I was 8 years old. Guessing that's not a thing? Haha 😊😜 

I've been away too long.

 It's been a long time, since I posted any thing on here. Last year, spent a lot of time walking with Nacho everyday. It's been hard getting back into posting. Putting my feeling into word's, that look back at me from the screen. At this point I've always stopped.

Cancer in all it's forms, has taken away too many people we love.  

Putting my feeling into words, is harder. Been holding them in for so long waiting for the other shoe to drop. Haven't felt able to put into word's my feeling.

Now it's 9/3/19

I've spent the last 3 years,  Walking Nacho Man, for 2543 miles. Watched my Nephew get married, even danced with him. On September 17 2019, I'll see the oncologist for the last time I hope! The result from the last test's for cancer are done, no red flags, good news. My Doctor isn't happy about the amount of weight I've lost. I'm not it's 60 pounds in 3 year's, going from a 44 inch waist to a 34 feels great, I can see my feet for the first time in years. My energy level is better, stretching out more often, helps with flexibility. Making better choices of what needs to be done now and what can wait. The most important part for me is taking care of Jane and Nacho. The same way they take care of me.

Now about that other shoe to drop

I've finally stopped worrying

About it!

What Happened?

When did I go wrong?

How did I get to this point?

No way to turn back the clock!

To change what I didn't or did do?

Is there a way to fix the choices I made?

What do I do now?

Let go of regret!
&
Learn grow

The journey of my life continues
Reminding me
Change is normal it means I'm learning

I have a problem with any semi-automatic gun!

The main reason I've heard given for, wanting or needing a semi-automatic handgun or rifle. Is because, someone may or might miss who they are shooting at, what if there is more than one would be attacker. After being in the Army for a large part of my adult life and being around guns all of my life. That reason holds no water with me or any of the people I've served with. The 2nd amendment to the United States Constitution is the part of the United States Bill of Rights that protects the right of the people to keep and bear arms. I agree that we should not take this right away from anyone who wants or needs a handgun, rifle and or a shotgun. The problem I have is any semi-automatic be it handgun or rifle, are weapons meant to kill many more than just one or two people. Why they are not very effective is control, only the first shot fired is aimed the kick changes the following shots maybe off enough to hit something or someone, the shooter had not intended to hit. Another statement repeated by some people is, “I’ll only shoot if my life is in danger or if I’m provoked” that in and of its self, worries me a great deal. In all the training I've had or given emotions is the first thing, any shooter must have total control of before picking up a gun or weapon. The statement what if I miss? Is all about training, learning and practice it takes a great deal of time. Taking a safety course is only a first step, training on how to aim or sight in a target at gun range is easy. Taking it from there to any situation takes time to learn the level of concentration to focus on what you are doing as well as everything what’s happening around you. Don’t forget to check yourself if you miss or not someone will die because of the action your about to take and now pull the trigger! The time from concentration to trigger will need to take you a second or two. This no matter the outcome is something you will live with, for the rest of your life. Some say it’s easier to take a life, than it is to live with the fact that you ended a life.

For me having a gun, I can control is much more important then how many shots it can fire with one pull of the trigger. The only good reason to having a gun is to save a life. Yes I have owned guns, because of the only good reason I no longer own any guns, I would prefer to lose my life then to take one. There are better ways to keep yourself and loved ones safe in your home then having a gun.
 

The older I get,

I'm saying goodbye more often than I'm saying hello, I don't find it sad living and dying are part's of life. What I remember the most are the people who have touched my life enriching it as they come, stay and or go. The amount of time that was spent together isn't as important, it's what we each gained in the time spent together. Haven't had a friend that agreed with me on every issue and I'm glad, be a bit boring if we did. Have been told many times I shouldn't talk about subjects like politics and religion but I still do. It's cost me a few friends over the years. It's too bad in a the way because, if by questioning each others perspective on these two issues, puts a wedge in our friendship it's sad.
Looking at information in different ways because no one see things in the same way. It helps me to see information from an opposite points of view, to challenge my own view. Time and history has taught me I don't know what I don't know! Learning also if I'm unwilling to listen with an open mind to people they will do the same to me, if not it ends in a shouting match and we both lose.

Life is a path decided by the choices we make.

If I were to count all the kindness I've been shown, kind words told to me. The times I've needed someone, to understand and someone was there.

At times in my life, the opposite has also been true. As I pushed people away with words and actions to show I didn't care or really need them, even if I did. Of course it worked great soon they were all gone, it's the same result each time.

So I talk to space and time it can not help me. Watching clouds float by, realizing the words I didn't say, the things I let slip by.

The fear I allowed to stop me is part of the reason why, I stopped telling people how I felt. Telling myself I didn't want anyone's pity or to see me as weak even though I know I am.

Over the years many of the people I called friends, I've pushed them away, for so long they have given up. A few knew and called me on it, so instead I held on to them tighter, after awhile they also were gone. Now I don't blame them at all, I put up a wall so thick and tall, no way they could see or hear me. 

Knowing and understanding why I did and still do this. Some see it as flaw, a way of letting some one go, before anyone can be really hurt by the other. The friendship in a way doesn't really end, each may still sent a Christmas card or call one another once a year or not at all for years. Then out of the blue one gets in touch with the other and soon that old friendship is renewed. History repeating it's self again so it's better to let be what it is until it isn't. One day we may met again on the road of life. One never really knows what the future may hold. There are so many choices that must be made, that may change the path of life we are on. 

The signs were there.

But my heart wasn't willing to see.

When Jane and I saw Ben on the Golden Valley Animal Humane Society web site, the more we read it sounded like a good fit for us. Because Ben was just 2 years old under weight they said he just needed a loving home. After we met Ben and spent time all together he warmed up to us and we started falling in love. So we started the paperwork of adoption, we both felt he needed us as much as we wanted him.

As we got the intake paperwork it didn't really match up with what we had been told or read on the web site. On the top it said Ben was seized because of cruelty/neglect but it also said he did not live with other animals. We were told  Ben was one of 220 dogs that lived in two trailer near Bemidji, MN. it also said he weighted 21 pounds but he only weighted 18 pounds. At the time this seemed like a minor over sight because of the number of dogs that came in with Ben.

Jane and I took Ben to the Vet to get him checked over and to make sure he was okay. The Vet told us the tarter buildup on his tooth and other signs put him at least 4 but more likely 5 years old. Of course in the week we had Ben, he had learned how to go up and down stairs and was gaining strength he seemed afraid of everything and everyone but Jane and I. Knowing Ben had lived most of his life in such horrible conditions, I questioned my judgement but he was doing so good and we loved so much. Ben got along fine with Owen and Grey Girl and his fear seemed to be changing into curiosity. When I took Ben in to get his Nails cut he bite the guy trying to clip him of course I blamed the guy because, I didn't want to see it for what it was. When Ben started growling and showing his teeth at Jane, because I need her help to get out of bed. We both down played it, we spent a lot of time teaching Ben how much we both needed Jane. Jane took over feeding him and she was the only one giving Ben treats. We both believed Ben had learned, he was interacting with her in positive ways. Until July 12 when I was taken away by Ambulance, at first I didn't see the change in him or maybe I didn't want to. I had been sick since the first of June it was really taking a toll, in that time I had lost around 25 pounds. A few weeks ago Jane, Ben and I were playing together on the floor when without reason or warning Ben bite Jane on the head it was a very good thing her face wasn't within his reach or it could have been much worst. This was now his second bite, there was a change in Ben's behavior even with me, I told Jane if Ben bites again I'm sorry but I'm not sure he can be trusted. On Wednesday night I had to go to the V.A. hospital Jane and Ben dropped me off. After I was done I called Jane to come and get me. When Jane and Ben got there I saw Ben had bitten her again, this time it wasn't a bite and release he chewed on her hand and didn't let go. Jane has a deep puncture wound on her left hand just below her thumb with chew marks on her palm. Jane kept saying it was all her fault, Jane wanted me to give Ben another chance! Telling her some times there are issues, that all the love we have can't fix.

As I was leaving Jane was crying telling me "Please give him one more chance for me." Even after being bitten twice Jane loved Ben so much she wanted him to stay. That's a risk I'm unwilling to take, Jane did nothing wrong if there is anyone to blame it's me. Hindsight is 20/20 if only I had been willing to see each bite for what it was. Jane's hand will heal, as for her heart that will take more time.

As for me the bond Ben and I made in life, will one day be renewed because I know all dog's go to haven.

Life is crazy, I know that's nothing new.

It's funny how life can surprise me after all these years. Glancing back it wasn't easy, some of my choices uff da, not sure how I lived through those yet I'm still here. So much have changed in just 50 years and too many have stayed the same. Still I'm looking for answers to questions I've been asking for years, here are just a few of them.
1) As for fossil fuel like oil when it's pump out of ground what is it replaced with or is the space just left to fall into it's self?
a) If oil keeps hot things cooler, was it helping to keep the planet cool or don't we know or care?
2) Why do we seem to know more about outer space then the planet we live on and how and why it works?
a) Is it now the plan to use up all the natural resources of this planet and just leave it?
a.1) Will the same people that think it's Okay to do what we've done to this planet, be the ones going to find a new place to start over?
3) Why do we grow more food to feed animals, then we do to feed people. When so many people die from hunger each year?
4) Now that a corporation is a person are they going to be held to a higher standard and care about the people that work for them by paying a living wage? 

# 49 of reflections It's Automatic

It’s automatic

By Mary K. Mennenga

Acts of self-preservation are automatic

Any time the mind can’t handle

What’s happening or going to happen!

It will block that memory it’s still there waiting

Until the tools are in place to handle it

Patience is not automatic nor is it something a person is born with

Its learned behavior earned over time

Patience with one’s self is hardest

That has been my experience so far

All the living and learning that’s being done

Along with the baggage chosen to carry with you

Is what made you the person you are today

Laying the framework to become

The person you want to be

# 47 To pitch or keep

To pitch or keep

By Mary K. Mennenga

Sounds simple but it’s not

Tending to attach feelings to things

Makes it harder to let go

The usefulness is long gone

The memories attached are strong

Fear without it the memories will fade

Memories etch themselves on the heart

Always there waiting

When needed the most

# 46 Reflection It's happening now

It’s happening now

By Mary K. Mennenga

Your mind is processing what’s happening

 Around and to you the affects it will

Have on you are yet unknown

You can’t stop it

No matter how you try

For it is ruled by time

Life is happening everywhere

Take all of it in

For this moment in time

Will not come again

So make the most of it

Once it’s gone you’ll have missed

The chance of giving yourself guide posts

To see how far you’ve come

Helping steer your course

To get where you need to be

# 38 reflections Win Win

Win Win

By Mary K. Mennenga

For some winning is the only goal

For others it isn't about winning or losing
It's about doing their best win or lose
Knowing their best was given that day
With a willingness to learn
That tomorrow is 
Another chance to run the race
Of living life by
Giving it your best every day
Add all the days together
Win or lose
Making your life one
That is truly being lived  

# 35 Reflection Common not Capable

Common not all are capable

By Mary K. Mennenga

 In common:

Hopes and dreams, love and sadness, fears and joy, loss and growth.

Life is capable of teaching us many things.

If we are willing to learn compassion.

Some aren't Capable of:

Actively listening

Holding back judgment until both points of view are understood. 

What was your motive for sharing this type of information with me.

I'm sure it wasn't meant to hurt me.

As for me:

Sharing my History is easy it's unable to hurt me.

Sharing feelings of pain, loss and emotions is much harder

For that is my heart

That now stays safely in my chest

Long ago I wore it on my sleeve

Learned how easily it could be bruised, crushed and nearly broken

Would have liked to have learned that lesson much sooner then I did

Oh well it all worked the way it was meant to anyway

   

The brain, body and or mind and heart?

After looking at what the brain does automatically, without us needing to think about it at all. With all the data, studies and research that's been done and or are still on going. The answer's are theories and hypothesis! Researchers and scientists question each others scientific method. The  most honest I've found are the few that said "this technology is in it's infancy". This hasn't been a waste of time at all, I've learned that many of the huge long words that are used is a fancy way of saying "they aren't really sure"! Here is what I have learned and witnessed myself.

So take it as you will.

The three parts that make the body work are; the Brain, central nervous system (nerves and spinal cord) and muscles including tendons, ligaments and everything else. The most important is the central nervous system. It works as the body and brain's information highway,  everything goes through it and it's a two lane highway. More about that in a bit. M.S. as we know is a scaring on the nerves in the brain and on the spinal cord, we all understand it sucks. None of us would wish it on anyone!


So much is still unknown like how or why the central nervous system, continues sending signals from the brain to the muscles and the muscles keeps sending signals back to the brain. When so many seem to get lost. This is painful because the scars in the brain get in the way, of the message from the muscle saying it's done, doesn't always get through so it just keeps doing what the brain told it to do pull. Even though the other muscle's used to do what needed doing is done, those messages got through and the muscle's stopped pulling right away. Getting people who don't have m.s. to understand this rarely happens, even as they watch the tears of pain roll down my cheeks some just turn away! The few that have helped by rubbing the  muscle, have told me it's a bone but when it finally stops pulling a few thought they broken something, but the look of relief on my face tells them the truth. The central nervous system keeps sending the messages back and forth giving the brain and muscle a chance to make a new connection it's not a reconnect. As long as the brain is learning it's making new connections all the time. No I'm not saying it can make anyone better, a lot of the time there is no way to repair all or any of the damage done by M.S. and to stroke victims and people with head injury. However there are some that are able to regain abilities again, in the research studies of people. That Doctors have said they will need to be in long term care for the rest of their life. Because to much of the brain has been damaged. There are many case studies of people who, can and do end up living alone. There are many theories as to how this happens, but with no smoking gun to prove anyone of them right, it seems to be hit or miss. The One theory that I think makes sense to me anyway. Is that the brain and muscles are making or finding new or different pathways of communication, by passing or working around the damage. Of course it's hard to prove this theory, partly because the people are busy living their life. To sit through all the tests Doctor's who told them they would never be capable of anything that they are doing. Don't blame them one bit, when they don't feel anything is wrong with them. Only a very few get back most of what was lost, to function as they did before but somehow they seem to find a way to enjoy what they have and continue doing the best they can with what they have to work with.

This of course is only my opinion from the research I've done, and my own experience of watching and seeing what the brain is capable of recovering from.  
My Auntie Jo after her stroke while having triple by pass surgery done. The only MRI they had was the one right after her heart surgery. According to the Doctor she had lost 2/3 of brain function. She never would sit still so they could do another MRI. It took her two years of rehabilitation to be capable of living alone and for over 14 years that exactly what she did. She did her own cooking, cleaning, bathing and dressing. Later she moved out to California easier to get around no snow, most of her children had moved out there years ago. Twice a year she came back to Minnesota for the state fair in the summer and in February to go with her two sister's on vacation to a resort in northern MN. The one thing she said  when I asked her how do you do it? "Do what! Just move it or lose it that's all, ain't nothing to it!" as she shrugged her one shoulder.

With this and the research I've done in the last month, reading what people with seemly just mind over matter and heart, are able to do. All I'm able to do is stand in awe of them. Here are a few of the statements some of the people from the research I've look at, have used to describe how they do that they do: The impossible just takes longer. It all just figured it's self out. Patience, persistence and thank God for some good luck. My Doctor quit on me, telling my kids I was too old! Heard he died a few year ago, I don't give up or quit maybe that why I'm still kicking and he isn't!
As I'm sure you have noticed, not one of them really told how they do that they do. Not sure if they really know how they do it or not. Understanding now why research in this area maybe harder to do. When it seems people don't know how they do what do themselves.
            

Now it a year since I started this blog.

Looking back over the year of my posts, I haven't written on a wide range of topic's. My written reflections were the main reason I started this blog, for the most part I've gotten more good feedback than bad. Being added to M.S. bloggers and having some of my writings on The Carnival of M.S. Bloggers has been a highlight for me. Lisa thank you so much for finding me, I had tried to find other M.S. Bloggers for months with no luck at all on my own. 

Before last year the only thing I did on the Internet was to order supplies and take on line tests when I worked at Jiffy Lube. It been a good year, couldn't have done many of the things I did do this year without help. In one way or another many people have helped me in small and big ways. Summing up my first year with Internet and all it has to offer. What I've learned is mostly good, finding things I still need to learn, some stuff I don't think I'll ever understand but that's not going to stop me from trying to learn. Will I crash my computer again more than likely! Good thing is I now know how to restore it and use the repair disc. The one thing I can do for hours and hours is research, no matter the topic. To bad when I look for answers all I end up with are more questions. Isn't this suppose to be the information age, feels more like the disinformation age at times. Hey! maybe we could have the telling to truth age? Nope to many folks just want to win, and get nothing done. Hope is not lost I've just misplaced it, no need to worry I know it's around here some where, so for now I just take it on faith. Thanks to all who stopped by!    

A few tid bits and odd stuff

That I've realized over the years, things I still don't understand and some that I may have a handle on why I keep making the same mistake over and over again? Answer: Somethings just take longer to learn!

Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result does not happen, no matter how hard I try! 

Knowing in my head what has been said is true, then why is it so hard for my heart to believe? Is doubt stronger than trust and faith no, that's not it! Because the mind is what thinks and the heart is what feels. So it's the mind that is trying to preventing the heart from getting hurt.

When doing a job half ass, that's exactly what it looking like when it's done.

The amount of time wasted trying to get out of doing something, is time I'll never get back.


Why is finding faults within myself is so easy, but fixing them is so hard.

Why after being told I did a good job or someone tells me I'm nice. Why do I think I'm being told what I want to hear instead of the truth, that I really suck at this.

Why do people not understand when I say I'm fine that I am and let me be.

Having a conversation that does not include M.S. is nice, when I'm enjoying a conversation about things like pets, babies and general news stories and focusing on all the good stuff! Why do people feel the need to bring up my m.s.?

One of the fastest ways to end a conversation is to start talking about politics, religion and or the economy and health care. Of which we have little control of anyway. Getting people to agree to disagree on any of these subjects is easier said then done, that's what I've found! But staying away from these subject's tends to leave a gap in what affects our life's in so many ways almost every day.

Taking the good with the bad isn't as easy as it sounds to do. Giving them equal value is harder still, but important for a honest balanced view.

Holding on to good memories is great, as for the bad just let them go! There is no value in carrying all that rubbish around with you, it only weighs you down. It's hard to move forward when you keep looking back at your life.

When judging the mistakes you made in your past, it's good to remember your not the same person you were back then. If you were you wouldn't see them as mistakes. Life really is a learn as you grow kind of thing. That's why it has a beginning a middle and an endding. And it happens to be true for all living things, well mammals for sure.

Yes there are many more I'm sure. These aren't answers to any questions, it's only looking from my point of view no matter if I'm right or I'm wrong, It's how I see it right now!
 

I've been a bit off as of late

Sometimes when this happens I don't understand, why it takes me so long to realize, I've got some kind of a chip on my shoulder. No wait that's not it, it's more of annoyed feeling I can't figure out why would I feel this way. Learning at last I was trying to figure out, my heart with my head! Rarely does that have a worthwhile out come. So until I allowed myself to feel what it was, I was afraid of feeling. Now that I've written it out, it seems kind of funny being afraid of  something I know is within my control. Oh my goodness fear is a thief that can sneak in, making mountains out of the smallest of sand piles. It's amazing once I faced my fear it turned out to be about the silliest of things. It's about my family reunion weekend this Saturday! It's the first time in Oh I can't remember when, I don't know what every one's been doing and realizing that the same is also true for them about me. Sharing with each other first hand what we feel is worth sharing, I really think this will be fun and nothing I need to be afraid of.

This time Mom will be there in spirit, at the last reunion two years ago. Mom didn't want me to share any of her health problems, all that could be done had already been done. For her this was about her spending time with her whole family. What she needed the was for everyone to remember her, as she had always been, good old Auntie Adele and friend. Not that this would be the last time they would see her. This meant she wanted bit of help at first, by letting her know who was coming in to visit, without them knowing I was doing it. Because she couldn't see far or well at all, the way she recognized everyone was by the sound of their voices. Another piece of information she hadn't wanted me to share so I didn't. As people walked by  she would ask me if that was one of our group or not, as people started coming to visit her, she wanted to visit with all of them, just not all at once. Mom had wanted me to bring my written reflection's she was proud of them and she had been my editor, but I knew that wasn't the only reason she wanted them, it didn't take long to understand it was meant as tool for me to  run interference for her. Of course it worked like a charm, when too many conversation were going on all at once she would bring up my writings. The first time she said; "Mary show (so and so) your written reflection the one about, which ever one she thought the person would be interested in". It was my cue to distract some conversation away from her to me, with all the voices and more coming in all the time. She didn't want to miss her chance to talk with each and everyone of them. As she began  bringing all the conversation back together. Gathering up the discarded copies of my reflection knowing they had done what she had needed them to do, I took my spot sitting just behind her. Watching as she directed all of us that had come, getting everyone talking to and with each other without her having to talk about herself. She just took it all in, adding in her stories of each of us and filling in the gapes of memories and adding in the reaction of their parents, had told her about what the kids had done. It was she told later, so nice having her whole family back together again, reminding her of all the great gathering we have had with her whole family all together once more.

It will be interesting to see how and who will bring all of us together as a family. Already knowing it will not be me, I'm still considered as the baby by some and with my M.S. forget it! We all say some of the same thing she did. Being afraid of the unknown isn't me, as I told Mom many years ago. It is what it is until it isn't what it once was. Making this reunion brand new, where it goes if it's the start of something new or the last of it's kind? Only time and each member of the whole family knows the answer. As for me, I'm no longer able to plan that far ahead. With M.S. I just don't know that the future may hold. 

#28 A thunderstorm brings peace

A thunderstorm brings peace

By Mary K. Mennenga

The hardest day in my life was the day my Mom died

I wasn't sad, more relieved her life had become so complicated

She has always been my rock and her love never wavered

She always had a positive attitude and whenever obstacle's littered her path; she didn't walk around them, instead she worked her way though them all.

She wasn't one to make mountains out of molehills

She preferred to live and let live

She didn't want anyone to worry or fuss over her

Living her life in control of her choices, when attempting to accept that she needed help, wasn't a role she was familiar with or cared for much!

She knew it was essential and handled it the best she could

As her night came a thunderstorm rolled in

She went to see what the ruckus was all about

As she did an Angel went home to heaven.

Nothing I do will change the outcome.

That a wonderful day, no reason it just is. Yep I still have pain, ringing in my ear nothing has changed or gotten better. The USA our government will more than likely default and lose it's AAA credit rating, for the first time in history. Understanding that I have no control over the outcome anyway so worrying about it would be worthless so I don't, part of it is my fault anyway I voted. So what is it that makes this a wonderful day? Realizing that no matter what happens it will still be what it is. If I lose my V.A. health care and a social security check, so will over 50 million other people, I'll muddle though some how or not, all I can do is the best I can with what I've got to work just like every body else. It will work out just not the way I want it to that's all. It's still a wonderful day anyway a gift that I will enjoy...

#26 Making assumptions

Making assumptions

By Mary K. Mennenga

Everyone does this from time to time

It's also one of those things we have all done to others

Throughout history it has caused all wars

People seem to see things as only right or wrong

It's my way or the highway type of mentality

Approaching subjects with the attitude of

If I don't get what I want then no 0ne will get anything

Even if it ends up hurting everyone

This cuts both ways when nobody is willing to compromise

When what's good for the few is more important

Than what's good for the many

That's when those with nothing have nothing to lose

The majority have just enough to get by

But realize they are one misstep away from

Joining the nothing to lose

This is when freedom is lost

Could this still be called?

The land of the free and the home of the brave