On April 13 it's 2 years since Mom's goodbye

The reason for this post is having a new tenant moving in and for the first time it's a man. Meaning the flowered wallpaper in the bed room had to go, the peach painted walls that looked more pinker and the flowered shower curtain. For a single man not a good vibe. While I was doing the updating by removing the wallpaper, patching the nail holes, replacing light fixture, and bathroom vanity. Painting using bold solid and darker colors, basically making it into a man cave! Kept thinking about my Mom and how much fun we had doing many of the same things at "2932" it's what everyone called our house. The memories of how it never seemed like a chore, just spending time together fixing things just the two of us. The many trips to the hardware store, with parts in hand because we didn't know the real name of it. All we knew was it's broken. 2932 was a very old house, Her Mother (Mayme) had purchased the home in 1944, the day they moved in, was the first time her Father (Oscar) had seen it. Each time Mom and I were fixing this or that, hanging a picture or stuff like that, her memories of her life within those walls, were very entertaining. Knowing it was Friday the 13 which doesn't bother me but this time it was. Then realizing it was April 13, I understood why I was having all the memories and why it was hitting me so hard. 

Since my Mom has joined the rest of her family in haven. It may seem odd that I don't really miss her, how could I miss someone how is a part of who I am.

Before Mom (Auntie Adele and Friend) moved from "2932" Everyone in or close to the family knew one phone call to Auntie Adele (Mom) was the best way to find out how everyone was all my cousins would call or Mom would call them to talk about how things were going, and she would pass on all the good stuff. Remaining Mom, Auntie Adele and friend, by not sharing what wasn't hers to share, in one phone call all could get the family news of everyone who had talked to her. To be honest it's nice that now when we do get together, my family doesn't already know everything I've been doing.

Mom was the last one in her family to go; she wanted to make sure her brother and three sisters kid's we would be okay. Now it's the same as it was with her family. The sons and or daughters, of my Mom's brothers and sisters get together with their brothers and or sisters. For the most part we all stay in touch, Facebook is a great way to learn what and how everyone is doing. Every two years we all get together for a reunion which is a lot of fun.

Learning recently the relationship Mom and I shared was rare. She was the one who cut the apron strings, in a way of knocking herself off the Mommy pedestal I had put her on. When I stopped acting like a child, we were able to become friends She was my Mom and my best friend, She kept my secret's, taught me so many things here are a few of them: 1. The impossible just takes longer that's all! 2. Life has a beginning, a middle and one day it will end, that's why it works! 3. The only person  in control of life is you if not, then it's not your life your living! 4. To remember all the smiles, laughter and fun with joy. In sadness and loss remember the love that was and is shared. From the bad learn the lessons it has to teach you and let go! 5. Don't live your life in regret of the choices you've made in the past, for your not the same person you were back then. Just do the best you can with what you've got to work, as long as it's your best, it will always be more than enough.

No I don't miss her, I remember her Jokes, how much fun we had the pranks she pulled on everyone. How surprised she was when all the neighborhood kids sang her Happy Birthday when she came home from work one year, yes I had told them it was her birthday, but they asked me if they could sing her happy birthday,  when I opened the back door twenty+ kids started singing, it was priceless. Driving my Mom and Auntie Jo up to see their cousin Boot's and his sister Nancy a four hour drive. We were over half way there in the middle of nowhere the car started acting up turned the radio down trying to hear what was wrong my Mom started giggling, from the back seat as she leaning forward and rocked back making the car move! I yelled MOM what are you doing? Her answer was "Well I thought you may be getting bored!" The number of hours we spent talking on phone about everything and nothing at the same time. How she loved her family and the way she could always find something good to say about everyone. I'm grateful to her for showing that love can and should be given unconditionally to all the people you love, because it's a gift not given for gain. It's the heart knowing love can't be won, earned or forced it just is!

     

The Last of My Written Reflections is Done!

I started keeping a journal in 1975 by 1987 the numbers of boxes and the information within became a risk. The weight alone would be a strain if I was going to move. Being in my mom house I knew they were safe, knowing she would never read them, but what if some else did? The thought sent a cold chill through my heart. Within the pages was many very raw feeling, from everything I had gone through so far in my life. Were meant only for me! What if I died or if I had succeeded in my attempts at suicide. What was I thinking? Only of myself, that for sure!

Having gained tools to handle and deal with what was within those pages. Taking one book at a time, saving the good and life changing events, lessons learned and a few things I hadn’t yet made peace with. Over the years I had started removing names allowing the pain to fade, seeing all that I was continuing to hold on to. It wasn’t helpful instead it was holding me back, watching as I let it go falling into the well of forgiveness and feeling my heart beating as if for the first time.

In 1989 I took a hard look at my part in screwing up my life and taking responsibility for the choices I made and how I had allowed others to treat me. Mom helped me see that playing the blame game wasn’t going to get me anywhere. There was never a doubt that she loved me. Mom knew I had been working on condensing my journals for years, and wanted to know what I had learned and what I was planning do with them now? Telling her I’ve made them into more of a way of reflecting on what I’ve learned, forgiving things people did that hurt me and forgiving myself for allowing it to happen! By removing the names and letting the pain go. Understanding it’s about the lessons that living life has taught me, making it what it is today. My written reflections I had no intension of sharing them with anyone but her.

When I was diagnosed with Multiply Sclerosis in 2001 Mom wanted me to write them out into the form their in now. In 2003 writing became harder and too painful to write much at all, I was still working. By the end of 2005 I had to stop working. In 2006 One trip to the emergency room without health insurance, it was time to move into the city, so I could start going to V.A. hospital. Mom was very glad we did, she worried so much about me. The landlords were friends, so it worked out good for everyone. Only 15 minutes from the V.A. very handy indeed.

Was given an old computer by our friends, when mom heard this she asked are you ready to get back to writing again? So I got back to writing. Mom was my editor with her 8^th grade education and my spelling it was good enough for the two of us. My losing the ability to drive and Moms health and eye sight declining, no one knew she was recognizing people by the sound of their voices. My brothers and I knew how bad her health problems were. This information she didn’t want shared with anyone, if asked tell them I’m fine and that’s what I did. She asked so little it was her choice if I disagreed to bad it wasn’t my choice to make. We had gotten through almost all of them. Then Mom asked me to write one about her, using her words and way of looking at the world and living her life. It’s on my blog; May 19, 2011 the title is Mother, Grandmother, Auntie and Friend.

She wanted me to make my writing into a book along with The Journey of Finding Myself and Living with Multiple Sclerosis or to get them published. That wasn't why I started writing them in the first place! Well I think posting them here is good enough.

Thank you to all who have read and or added your comments. This was the last thing my Mom Adele K. Mennenga wanted me to do and now that it’s done. Now I understand why she felt it was necessary for me to do this. To help me learn life is about the journey of living, no matter the hand life has dealt me. Teaching me how to find my own answers which only leads to more question

My Written Reflections

By Mary K. Mennenga

The list of titles

1.      A Dream

2.      My Dearest Love

3.      What I’ve Learned So far

4.      Without Hope

5.      Love Is Not Blind

6.      At What Cost

7.      When You Truly Love

8.      Why Do You…Why don’t you

9.      Life As I see It

10.  Why Not!

11.  To A Dear Friend

12.  Words

13.  The Truth About Guilt

14.  The Thing About Worry

15.  What Do You Really Mean?

16.  In The Span Of Life It’s The Middle That Matters

17.  This Is For The Few That Feel The Help Given Wasn’t Much Help At All

18.  An Ending Maybe Or Not

19.  Love As A Word And A Feeling

20.  How Things Workout

21. Did You Know

22.  The Bond Between Friends

23.  It’s Up To You

24.  It’s Odd, But Really Not So Much

25.  What Is It That Makes Pity So Painful?

26.  Making Assumption

27. You Being You Is Amazing

28.  A Thunderstorm Brings Peace

29.  The Step You’ve Taken Together Today

30.  When A Friendship Changes or Ends

31.  If You Could See Past Disability

32.  Fighting An Unseen Foe

33.  Misunderstanding It’s Not A Choice

34.  One Cold Wind

35.  Common Not All Are Capable

36. June 1980

37. One Man By Unsure

38. Win, Win

39. If I Had The Ability To Read Minds

40. Honey

41. Questions Don’t Mean Answers

42. Honesty-Dishonesty

43. Friends

44. Abilities, Capabilities and Choices!

45. Love Lost Hate Forever

46. It’s Happening Now

47. To Pitch Or Keep

48. Sharing The Depth Of Love

49. It’s Automatic

50. Friendships

51. Questions Of Faith Tested

52. Meaning The Most

53. Why is When…?

# 49 of reflections It's Automatic

It’s automatic

By Mary K. Mennenga

Acts of self-preservation are automatic

Any time the mind can’t handle

What’s happening or going to happen!

It will block that memory it’s still there waiting

Until the tools are in place to handle it

Patience is not automatic nor is it something a person is born with

Its learned behavior earned over time

Patience with one’s self is hardest

That has been my experience so far

All the living and learning that’s being done

Along with the baggage chosen to carry with you

Is what made you the person you are today

Laying the framework to become

The person you want to be

M.S. has taken much

          That's true enough and we may lose it faster than most, or it tries to kill our spirit one ability at a time. For many folks time and living life bring changes of ability and capability, slowly at first barely noticeable really but picking up speed as the years go by. For some it's an accident that changes everything in one small moment in time. Does it mean any of the folks above should stop living each day as we did before? Doing all we can by making do with what we've got to work with? Getting caught up in regret is easy with all of our, could should and would haves from the past remind us of what we didn't do, instead of what we did do and why! Thinking of all the mistakes we had made. Now if you have read any of my posts before this one you may already know what coming next. Those mistakes were made the person you were back then, not by the person are today. You’re not that person anymore it's the reason why you're now able see it as a mistake! Okay maybe I'm wrong, I am wrong a lot and have been told that more times then I care to count. Getting caught up in the past, takes us away from living in the here and now, but we can regret that later! What the future holds is still unknown. If you want to look back go back 20 or 40 years, if you’re like me you were alive back then, the tools that we have today weren't even science-fiction back then. If history as taught us anything, it's any one thing can change the world we will be living in. 

M.S. has taken away many of the things, I loved doing like fishing, long slow walks in the woods, sleeping more than 4 hours at a time and going shopping all day, to name a few. So now I've found new and different things I love doing as much if not more like looking out my window to the world, still being able to hear the birds and squirrels, over the entire city noisy. Without having m.s. I never would have learning that woodpeckers that eat at the bird feeder will take seeds and put them in the bark of a tree and come back later to eat them. The walks in the woods are shorter so I listen closer it's all still there, now I may not see them all I do remember what the bird and animals looks like, so I can match the sound with the picture in my mind. Realizing when putting all the sounds the birds and animals are making. It's a wonderful song written by nature. The best part is it's never the same making each time it's heard the first, so for me it never gets old.

           Watching as my mother and her sisters were growing older, seeing time taking their ability and capability away with the years. What I remember the most is the grace, in which they took each lost they faced, there was a bit of moaning and groaning more or less the same as we do now. None seemed to regret or lament about the past. Even as the end was so near, each one talked of what fun they had over the years the things they had done but not what they hadn't done.

# 46 Reflection It's happening now

It’s happening now

By Mary K. Mennenga

Your mind is processing what’s happening

 Around and to you the affects it will

Have on you are yet unknown

You can’t stop it

No matter how you try

For it is ruled by time

Life is happening everywhere

Take all of it in

For this moment in time

Will not come again

So make the most of it

Once it’s gone you’ll have missed

The chance of giving yourself guide posts

To see how far you’ve come

Helping steer your course

To get where you need to be

# 41 Questions don't mean answers

Questions don’t mean answers

By Mary K Mennenga

Learning happens when asking a question

Answered or not you’ll gain information

What you do and how you interpret the information

May cause questioning of choices made or not

Reinforcing your point of view or not

It will give you options to consider

To become the person you want to be

Change is hard but a necessity for growth

Without growth nothing changes

Living without growing or learning is uninteresting

Taking the risks to finding your true potential

Depends if you’re willing to ask the questions only you can answer

# 39 reflections If I had the ability to read minds

If I had the ability to read minds

I'd have no need to ask why or doubt

That the truth has been told

All questions would have answerers

I can’t so

Questions remain unanswered

Why did all communication just stop?

Was it something I did or didn’t do?

What I will do is

To understand it’s not about

Me it’s about you

Many times I’ve forgotten this

I'll trust you to take care of you

And be here if you need me  

By Mary K. Mennenga

Why I titled my blog this way

 Wanting the title to have some flexibility. Because I've found life is fluid it changes in some spots it moves so fast, in others it's like standing still. Wanting my blog to grow and change a long with me. More importantly by remaining open, to all the possibility life has yet in store for me. 

So that is why it's titled: 

It is what it is, until it isn't what it once was.

Seeing that; I'm not the person I used to be nor am I the person I will be. Change is always happening and each day is a new day. Every choice made is a change that's been chosen.

The brain, body and or mind and heart?

After looking at what the brain does automatically, without us needing to think about it at all. With all the data, studies and research that's been done and or are still on going. The answer's are theories and hypothesis! Researchers and scientists question each others scientific method. The  most honest I've found are the few that said "this technology is in it's infancy". This hasn't been a waste of time at all, I've learned that many of the huge long words that are used is a fancy way of saying "they aren't really sure"! Here is what I have learned and witnessed myself.

So take it as you will.

The three parts that make the body work are; the Brain, central nervous system (nerves and spinal cord) and muscles including tendons, ligaments and everything else. The most important is the central nervous system. It works as the body and brain's information highway,  everything goes through it and it's a two lane highway. More about that in a bit. M.S. as we know is a scaring on the nerves in the brain and on the spinal cord, we all understand it sucks. None of us would wish it on anyone!


So much is still unknown like how or why the central nervous system, continues sending signals from the brain to the muscles and the muscles keeps sending signals back to the brain. When so many seem to get lost. This is painful because the scars in the brain get in the way, of the message from the muscle saying it's done, doesn't always get through so it just keeps doing what the brain told it to do pull. Even though the other muscle's used to do what needed doing is done, those messages got through and the muscle's stopped pulling right away. Getting people who don't have m.s. to understand this rarely happens, even as they watch the tears of pain roll down my cheeks some just turn away! The few that have helped by rubbing the  muscle, have told me it's a bone but when it finally stops pulling a few thought they broken something, but the look of relief on my face tells them the truth. The central nervous system keeps sending the messages back and forth giving the brain and muscle a chance to make a new connection it's not a reconnect. As long as the brain is learning it's making new connections all the time. No I'm not saying it can make anyone better, a lot of the time there is no way to repair all or any of the damage done by M.S. and to stroke victims and people with head injury. However there are some that are able to regain abilities again, in the research studies of people. That Doctors have said they will need to be in long term care for the rest of their life. Because to much of the brain has been damaged. There are many case studies of people who, can and do end up living alone. There are many theories as to how this happens, but with no smoking gun to prove anyone of them right, it seems to be hit or miss. The One theory that I think makes sense to me anyway. Is that the brain and muscles are making or finding new or different pathways of communication, by passing or working around the damage. Of course it's hard to prove this theory, partly because the people are busy living their life. To sit through all the tests Doctor's who told them they would never be capable of anything that they are doing. Don't blame them one bit, when they don't feel anything is wrong with them. Only a very few get back most of what was lost, to function as they did before but somehow they seem to find a way to enjoy what they have and continue doing the best they can with what they have to work with.

This of course is only my opinion from the research I've done, and my own experience of watching and seeing what the brain is capable of recovering from.  
My Auntie Jo after her stroke while having triple by pass surgery done. The only MRI they had was the one right after her heart surgery. According to the Doctor she had lost 2/3 of brain function. She never would sit still so they could do another MRI. It took her two years of rehabilitation to be capable of living alone and for over 14 years that exactly what she did. She did her own cooking, cleaning, bathing and dressing. Later she moved out to California easier to get around no snow, most of her children had moved out there years ago. Twice a year she came back to Minnesota for the state fair in the summer and in February to go with her two sister's on vacation to a resort in northern MN. The one thing she said  when I asked her how do you do it? "Do what! Just move it or lose it that's all, ain't nothing to it!" as she shrugged her one shoulder.

With this and the research I've done in the last month, reading what people with seemly just mind over matter and heart, are able to do. All I'm able to do is stand in awe of them. Here are a few of the statements some of the people from the research I've look at, have used to describe how they do that they do: The impossible just takes longer. It all just figured it's self out. Patience, persistence and thank God for some good luck. My Doctor quit on me, telling my kids I was too old! Heard he died a few year ago, I don't give up or quit maybe that why I'm still kicking and he isn't!
As I'm sure you have noticed, not one of them really told how they do that they do. Not sure if they really know how they do it or not. Understanding now why research in this area maybe harder to do. When it seems people don't know how they do what do themselves.
            

When friendship's #30 Reflections

When a friendship changes or ends

By Mary K. Mennenga

Inspired by a very dear friend

Will show where the strength of your character is based

Is it based?

In resentment and bitterness with hostility and malice

What could be gained by this nothing?

But fear, mistrust and everyone keeps hurting

Then it's more about keeping score of who was hurt the most

The scar's it leaves on the heart's that never seem to fade

Or is it based

On understanding that no matter how hard we tried

Things don't workout the way we thought it would

It's not about blame or faults it's letting go

Understanding we've learned more than we lost

Gaining knowledge that sometimes letting go of a friend 

Is the best way, to truly be a friend to them

Remember the good and let the bad fade.

I know I will

If my wishes were rainbows that all I would ever see!

So it isn't something I do often, partly because if I did rainbows won't be so special. Because I wasn't feeling the best after the trip to Florida. I'm feeling much better now that what goes in stays in, almost all of the time and eating more solid food, each day is bringing my energy level up.

Now I've never been any good at taking it easy, I always feel I should be doing something. Considering this I'm not as smart as I like think I am. As proof not like I need any more! I pushed myself too hard again and bruised two rib's, smooth move will I ever learn? (A rhetorical question) I will start paying better attention to what my body is trying to tell me. Because the price continues to go up each time, I don't listen and I can't afford it anymore. So with all this down time I've been reading blogs, seeing how other people handle life's ups and downs. Realizing no one is alone in wanting and needing to find new ways to help themselves. Seeing how other people have found way's around similar problems, giving me a different perspective and the ability see options I hadn't realized were there before.  Seeing people who aren't willing to let stumbling block get in the way of living life, instead they turn those stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

Like most people I stumble a bit from time to time both physically and emotionally. Finding balance isn't easy for anyone because, life has so many choices that have to be made. With each choice made it changes what the next choices may or could be.

Throughout life things happen that can turn life upside down. All the plans and goals that had been set, need to be adjusted life becomes complicated. Feeling out of control of what is going to happen next, no matter who you are it gets to everyone no matter if it's big or small. How each person  chooses to handle it, isn't open for debate, each person will decide what's the best way for them to move forward. All anyone else can do to help is to support them.
  

# 3 of Reflections What I've learned so far

What I've learned so far

By Mary K. Mennenga

Is that every choice made is a path not taken

Any mean word said will be regretted

Any act of kindness was returned ten times over

Worrying is a waste of time, energy and accomplishes nothing

Always show that people have value

Judge yourself and live by standards

Remember

To do the best you can with what you've got

Knowing your best is always good enough

The Thirteenth of April 2010. It's why I've got to be Me

This is about my mother and me, my two brothers both older making me the baby of the family. My Mother had three sisters and two brothers (one who died when he was 3 months old). My Mother  sister's and brother were very close, all of my cousin's were considered as family they might not see it that way. Mom and I did, Mom loved all of them the way she put it was; " I don't love anyone the most I've just loved them longer, that all." In a way it was almost like I had 13 brothers and 8 sisters. Some lived with us from time to time, some I didn't see very much they were still part of what Mom called our family. This has gotten much longer than I intended, but it is what it is, and it's part of why I've got to be me.

My Mother was 79 years old and had a grocery list of health problems. Mom would share what was happening with everybody as long as it was good, news and or funny. Getting her to talk about herself didn't happen she was a master of changing the subject. As her health problems began to take a toll on her body, time was a commodity she didn't have much of. We each knew including Mom that if she got sick, her body was not likely to recover. Her mind and will were as strong as ever.  Now this wasn't information Mom wanted shared, my brothers are much stronger than I am. I asked her don't you think some of the family has a right to know? "No and I don't want you to share my health information with the family or my friends, if your asked how I am just tell them I'm fine!" I'm not going lie to them they'll never forgive! She told me; "This is going to be very hard on you I know but I don't want any one's last visit or memory with me to be one of watching me dieing. What I really want is for each person to remember me the way I lived and as they remember me. I don't want anyone to mourn me before I'm dead." I would do as she asked but told her "I'm not going to lie I'll tell them "you said your fine" that way it's your lie not mine, after your gone all bet's and deals are off!" Mom said "That's good enough for me!" It's the way she wanted it so I did as she asked. After she passed I told all who asked me the truth, many of her dear and oldest friends said  it sounds just like her and come to think of it I don't remember her sharing any bad news or talking about herself. My mom did tell everybody about my M.S. because she was so proud of how I was handling it and she worried about me too much! 

My Mom was my best friend, at times my only friend each time I felt hopeless and lost she was the one I talked to the most. She didn't judge me or try to fix it for me, she would help me to see it for that it was, a choice only I should make. She offered me the tools and advice to help me but never told me what I should do. Reminding me always it's my life to live and every choice I make is a path not taken and that no matter what choice I made, she loved me.  She didn't agree with some of the choices I made of course. I'm not her, she didn't rise me to be just like her or anyone else! I don't mind when someone tells me I'm just like her, I do consider that high praise even though I know it's not true. People say that's something your Mother would say, yes that's very true. I'm not going to apologize for that she's my mother. Having listened to her wisdom that was right on most of the time, all of my life some of it's bound to stick!


When I was helping Mom pack up her house, A three bedroom house that she had lived in for over 60 years her Mother had purchased it in 1945. The memories were the hardest part for her. Thankfully all I had to pack were the things she had. She had to pack her memories and said; "It's a good thing I only hold on to the good ones! No baggage to luge around!" We talked about her mother a lot she died before I was born. We talked about how the house has always been referred to as  "2932". I asked her if she had any second thoughts? She said "Oh no it's about time I let this go, it's just more house than I need, and now everyone can stop worrying about me falling down the stair's that, I have never falling down in my life but I won't miss them not one bit!"


As we were finishing up, Mom stopped and got very quiet and asked me do you think your like me? In some way's kind of in others not so much. Mom your my best friend and I love you very much, but I've got to be me the person I'm meant to be. As long as I have choices I've got to be me, our life's experience are so different from each other, you have been the best teacher I've had and I'm very glad your my Mother. Mom didn't say anything for a while then said "You skipped a generation your more like my Mom then me." She didn't seem unhappy about it. Then she told me; "You listen to everything and mull it over and mix it all up and make it your own." I told her "Yep! that's what makes me the individual you taught me to be, similar maybe just not the same." My Mom and I could and did talk about everything and nothing for hours at a time. I loved that she would tell me something she had told me before and it was exactly the same as the first time she told it to me.


As a child just like most kids I asked my Mom why a lot. Her answer 90% of the time was; what do you think the reason why is? When I wanted to know that a word meant she didn't tell me what she thought or knew it meant. Instead she told me I'm not sure look it up in the dictionary. Telling her I can't spell didn't work, you can read it right? So what's the first letter start from there and read the words until you find that word. So you see she didn't answer my questions or do it for me. Instead she gave me the tools I needed to figure things out for myself, then draw my own conclusions from what I had learned. The tools she gave me will last a lifetime and I've gained more for my own life experiences. What I've learned is tools teach me how to find the questions I want answers for. When being told the answer to a question I don't learn anything, I just know that someone told me what they think the answer is! Most answers end up creating more questions anyway! That's one of the reasons why I am always myself and just not like anyone else.


My Mom got sick in March of 2010 with the flu. That when she went into the hospital for the last time. The night my Mom passed away I was sleeping in my chair and woke up with an overwhelming feeling that I needed to do something. But I couldn't find anything I had forgotten to do. So I sat down in my chair again, looking out the window I could see lightning from a storm moving in from the southwest, it was shorty after 3:00am when I heard the first thunder in a short period of time, it became a very loud thunderstorm that lit up the night sky, I watched it until I couldn't hear the thunder anymore I went to sleep.  Around 5:00am my brother called telling me Mom is playing with her sisters in heaven. I found out later she had passed away around 3:30am, that's when the thunderstorm was at it's loudest. Later after a another thunderstorm had come and gone I wrote this.

A thunderstorm brings peace

The hardest day in my life was the day my Mom died

I wasn't sad, more relieved her life had become so complicated

She has always been my rock and her love never wavered

She always had a positive attitude and whenever obstacle's littered her

path; she didn't walk around them, instead she worked her way though

them all.

She wasn't one to make mountains out of molehills

She preferred to live and let live

She didn't want anyone to worry or fuss over her

Living her life in control of her choices,

when attempting to accept that she needed help,

wasn't a role she was familiar with or cared for much!

She knew it was essential and handled it the best she could

As her night came a thunderstorm rolled in

She went to see what the ruckus was all about

As she did an Angel went home to heaven.

By Mary K. Mennenga  

  If you've managed to get through this let me know what you think, besides the fact it's so every long.   

THINGS I JUST CAN'T OR DON'T UNDERSTAND

Why do people say one thing, then turn around and do the opposite?
Why is it when people say I hate it when someone does this or that to me! But then turns around and does the same thing to some one else?

When a person tells me they are sorry and at the time it's seems to be genuinely sincere, about something they did or didn't do that they had said they would or wouldn't do. My telling that person not to worry about it and that it's okay I understand it happens some times. Does that mean I'm okay with being treated that way and having my feeling disregarded, by someone I care about. No and when it happens again and I allow myself to be played for a fool a second time the blame is on me and no one else!

There are to two statements a few people say and use so often that both have lost value and meaning. The first is I love you and the second is I'm sorry or so sorry, now when I hear either of them said repeatedly without any action to backup or show that the words have any real meaning to them. Sorry but repetition does not make a statement true.

It's like when people greet you by saying Hi! how are you? Now yes a few people do want to know how you are. What I've learned is that 90% of them don't really want you to tell them. It's just a greeting most of us say oh I'm fine and how are you! It's a make someone feel good kind of greeting.

What I do understand  is that words have power. Why is it that people continue to take the power out of words by saying them without really meaning them. If it makes you feel better about yourself to say words you don't truly mean, that's okay by me. Just don't be surprised when I stop believing that the words you do say have any real meaning.
Fool me once shame on you! Fool me twice shame on ME!

Most of you that visit my blog know I don't sound off about stuff like this. Yes I know it's Christmas time and I should be saying up lifting stuff. I've got to be me, I'll explain that in my next posting. After over 30 years its time for me to say enough is enough. I'm nice to everyone I met yes even ants and mice. Now I really don't mind them outside but inside my house that is the only exception.  Out they must go alive or dead they will not live with me for long! We all have a line in the sand, this just happens to be mine.

A WARNING WINTER AND SNOW ARE!

Something I think everyone likes to look at, it covers the dirt and makes everything look clean and fresh. Except for the people who have to move it out of the way, while trying to stay warm the whole time your working on moving the snow out of the way. Meaning your going to sweat a lot so now your warm and wet, without all the stuff to keep you warm you'd be freezing after 3 minutes and get nothing done. The way I choose to look at is I don't need a gym membership in the winter. Because I stretch out before I start shoveling as I work and after I'm done shoveling, yes I know it may make me look silly, I don't worry about what anyone may think. Because anyone who's shoveled knows it's one hell of a workout and the last thing I need is a heart attack. Many people have had heart attacks after shoveling even very healthy people. Because after just sitting around they get up and shovel come back in and just sit right back down. Without allowing the body to recover and cool down after a mostly upper body workout that puts a strain on your heart. Knowing you would never do that after woking out at the gym, Right? Some of you may know this already, my question is do you treat as a workout or not?

WORKOUT, CONTROL? NOT SO MUCH..

Things don't workout the way I want most of the time, now that's okay because things, do tend to workout the way their suppose to. Realizing finally I'm not in control of anyone except myself. How anyone is going to react to what I say or do isn't within my control. However the way I frame what and how I share information is very much within my control! When my emotions aren't held in check, which happens more often than I'd like to admit even to myself. My immediate reaction to information is an emotional one, it's hard to hear the truth. Later realizing I wasn't looking at the impact my reactions could have on others. Without understanding that what I was doing, could and did hurt and effect people in a negative way. I didn't set out to hurt anyone and I'm not apologizing for things I don't control or for my immediate emotional reaction. I'm requesting understanding because, no matter how old I live to be I'll continue making mistakes and to learn from them. It's how I  will grow into the person I want to be.

About why I've been negative lately

     I try not to dwell on the negative, the majority of the time I'm a glass half full kind of person. But for awhile I've been a bit down, according to a very few I've been in a deep well of despair. On Sept. 27 I saw my doctor he told me the MRI showed a very large number of legions scaring. That there isn't anything that can be done to stop my double vision from getting worst. I've had  it for over fifteen years, over time it's gotten worst the images keep getting farther apart making reading almost impossible without magnify it 150%. Thank goodness for computers making it much easier to read, watching television or movies that changes images by jumping from scene to scene gives me a headache the pain from it affects  my vision even more. So I'll listen and use my imagination to fill in the parts I can't watch. Knowing nothing can be done fix it,  I got depressed and very negative about everything.
     Until Wednesday a doctor from the research study group I'm a part of, called and was very surprised when I answered the phone. He told me it was rare for a person with the amount of scaring (legions) I have to have no active legions, as well as my apparent and now obvious ability of higher function (walking,talking). He had many questions we talked for a long time. He told me the reason for calling was to request permission from my caregiver to keep me in the study group.
     This is the best news I've gotten in a very long time! I sat there after we hung up, inside I was jumping up and down and running throughout house, I'm not physically able to that. I'm soaking all of this information in I'm still processing it. I've got to stay on top of other things that are wrong, and continue to do all I can to minimize the effect all of it has on the rest of my life.
    Some Q & A: Q:Will I get what I've lost back? A:No. Q:Will a Lose any more ability's? A:Time will tell if or when it becomes active again. Q:Is there anything you can do to prevent it from becoming active again?  A:Yes and no, by not getting sick or getting an infection, it's unclear how long it will last or why it stop.
     I'm just very happy and now understand why I've been able to sleep for more than 4 hours without waking up with nothing working and having my muscles so tight I can't move them or even think about moving because it just makes them even tighter. For the first time in many years, I've slept for eight hours all at the same time 3 times and didn't wake up racked with pain and with every muscle seeming to be trying to pull me apart. Do I think God answers our prayers? absolutely positively yes, Thank you so much to everyone for sending good thoughts my way and or praying for me.