If I were to count all the kindness I've been shown, kind words told to me. The times I've needed someone, to understand and someone was there.
At times in my life, the opposite has also been true. As I pushed people away with words and actions to show I didn't care or really need them, even if I did. Of course it worked great soon they were all gone, it's the same result each time.
So I talk to space and time it can not help me. Watching clouds float by, realizing the words I didn't say, the things I let slip by.
The fear I allowed to stop me is part of the reason why, I stopped telling people how I felt. Telling myself I didn't want anyone's pity or to see me as weak even though I know I am.
Over the years many of the people I called friends, I've pushed them away, for so long they have given up. A few knew and called me on it, so instead I held on to them tighter, after awhile they also were gone. Now I don't blame them at all, I put up a wall so thick and tall, no way they could see or hear me.
Knowing and understanding why I did and still do this. Some see it as flaw, a way of letting some one go, before anyone can be really hurt by the other. The friendship in a way doesn't really end, each may still sent a Christmas card or call one another once a year or not at all for years. Then out of the blue one gets in touch with the other and soon that old friendship is renewed. History repeating it's self again so it's better to let be what it is until it isn't. One day we may met again on the road of life. One never really knows what the future may hold. There are so many choices that must be made, that may change the path of life we are on.
