The older I get, what matters most is the love shared.

The earliest memory of my Mother was hearing her being asked "Who do love the most?" her answer was always "I've loved them longer, what all!" One day I asked her "How long have you loved Me?" Her answer was, I loved you before you were born!

I Didn't mind Ma calling me her baby girl, cause I was. The best part of being the youngest was, watching what happened when the older kid's got busted for breaking her rules. I learned the rules and worked within them. With two older brothers, me being a pest. As I walked away, saying I'm telling Mom! Funny part was Ma didn't like tattletales. I knew better so I never did tell her.
  
Ma was a "yes" or "no", as I got older I tried to get her to change her mind, never worked her answer was "What part of "NO" do you not understand the N or the O!" No answer needed. After that she gave that look of don't push it missy!

One summer I was feed up with all the rules Ma had only on me! So I asked if I go live with my Dad & Ellie, youngest daughter was also staying there at first it was great no rules! By the second night the no rules was not, a safe place at all. All mom said was "Next time you want to live with your Father there will be no coming back!" I understood her rules kept me safe. Years later we talk about just once.

The year Brian & Mary got a chandler for the dining room, all the needles fell off her Christmas Tree. Drove Ma over to Nancy's so Ma could help Nancy and I took home the artificial tree. I got back the boy's put up the Chandler, I put up Ma's Christmas Tree. 

After celebrating Christmas Eve with Family, time head home for Ma to see her Chandler and Christmas Tree. The boy's were waiting inside, ready to get a picture! Ma stopped short because, she couldn't see the red knitted bird cage, on the the back wall. As Brian turned up the lights I tried and failed, to push her into the room. We all sat in the living room talking about our younger day's,  the boy's said I tattled on them all the time! Ma was shocked before she said anything I said "Ma, doesn't like tattle tails! I told them I was going to tell Ma! I never did! Instead I asked her questions about growing up at "2932" Ma and I talked about her growing up with her sister's and her Mom and Dad, her memories never changed, always full of love for them all. 

My one regret is I wrote her stories in my journal's l've kept since 5th grade. Had to see a mental health therapist. He taught how to hide my feeling and put on my happy face. I told him "I hated my dad!" He told me to call if I felt I needed to see him again. I told Ma I'm fine now, I don't need to see him again. Thankfully I found writing helped. In 7th grade I started drinking. In high school, starting working, also found drugs helpful. Been clean and sober for over 30 years.

The summer before my senior year at North high school in1979. I worked for The Youth Conservation Corps of Minnesota near Hinckley, MN. It was awesome, making trails in Minnesota State Park's. Learning why conservation was so important, to the health of our planet as a whole. The program lasted 6 weeks at the end we took a test, on what we learned. The program leader asked if would, like to take a free class in South Minneapolis to learn more about the work The U.S. National Park Service does? I said, Yes but why me? Your answer's showed, how much you learned. In just 6 week's. Ma signed the form. At the end of the class, we all took an hour long test. Only three people passed me and two guy's. Now we needed to write an essay about why we wanted to be a national park ranger. The winner would get cost free training as a park ranger 6 months out in the field then 6 mouths in a state parks in your home state. At the end of your training of 3 years, you will be a U.S. National Park Ranger. The dropout rate is over 50% in the first year. In May I got a letter telling me I was 1st runner up. Told Ma about it, she said lets wait and see you never know, give it some time! I told her Okay it's worth waiting for. The day's turned into weeks, I really wanted it to happen. My bother John wasn't helping I never told him about it. A few day's later John started in on me again, telling me "I'd never make more than minimum wage!" What was I wait for, no-one would be dumb enough to turn down the chance like that. A  short time later, Army recruiter called, came over went took the test and the physical passed them both! I got a job, only took 3 hours and I was going to make more money than John! Telling my Ma I joined the Army and I'm leaving for boot camp the next day! Going to Fort Jackson, in South Carolina. I wasn't able to call Ma until 2 weeks later, she told me they called she told them I joined the army. Never told her the real reason why, it was the only choice I felt I had at the time. The best part is, I've never had a minimum wage job since.  

The journal I started in 5th grade, continues today it's a tool I need, to separate my feeling from action's taken or my reaction's. When I decided to put the lessons I learned, into My Written Reflections. I Had been writing since 5th grade over 4 thousand pages into 5 box's safe in the blue bedroom closet at "2932" Only moved them out because Brian was going to put shelves in there for Ma. 

 I've finished by adding them on to my Blogspot "it is what it is until it isn't what it once was"

After Jane, Honey Girl and I moved back to Minnesota from Wisconsin 12 year's ago. It's time wasted so I kept the good, the rest is history. 

On the fun side, this year I turned 58 on May 8. Had my golden Birthday when I was 8 years old. Guessing that's not a thing? Haha 😊😜 

Having dealt with my past, still hurts when it's in the News.

Having spent just over 19 years in Army, of which I am proud and honored to serve as a soldier. Going in right after High school in 1980 until 1999, when I could no longer pass P.T. test, did not know the reason why until 2001 when I learned I have multiple sclerosis.

Most of my time in the Army was good. In basic training, my limits were tested every day, doing so many things I had never thought I could or would do. The confidence I gained in my abilities to face the challenges of being a soldier in U.S. Army. At the end I've put some of the fun parts of being in the Army.
All the news of past few weeks has brought up some old hurts that are now a part of my life history. Rape in the military has been a problem for women, because for the few men that feel it’s the woman fault or she was asking for it, she was drunk. God help you if you are foolish enough to report, one of the first things I learned if you want to continue in the military, say nothing even if asked, every woman I know who did had little choice and got out soon after. For me it wasn't the first time however it was the last. Having two older brothers I knew how to fight, then I needed to learn how to fight dirty and make sure to leave a mark. Pride is a flaw in most military men, so getting your ass-kicked by a woman isn't anything their willing to share. In my own way, I took my power back the last attempted rape two men tried ended badly for them and was a powerful moment for me. Took the car parked it at the post main gate, gave the MP my information, just in case the two needed it. A few weeks later that MP stopped me as I was leaving post, he asked me “how well I knew them and if I knew what happened to them?” my answer “not well and I haven't heard from them.” He told me they both ended up in the hospital and one will never stand up to pee and other will never be able to father children, I told him sorry to hear that (not sorry at all!!) asked him if I was free to go? He said, “Sure I just thought you might have wanted to know.” It may not be right to feel good about what I did, knowing that one can never do what he tried to do and the other may think twice about doing to anyone again feels good.

Learning how to use a weapon, the Army frowns on calling an M16A1 rifle a gun because, every weapon we trained on was training to defend our country and ourselves by killing the people trying to kill us. In basic training when a Drill Instructor heard anyone calling a weapon a gun, you could hear the person repeating. THIS IS MY WEAPON holding it out in front of them, THIS IS MY GUN holding over their head, THIS IS FOR FIGHTING out in front, THIS IS FOR FUN over the head, the longest I heard someone doing this was 25 minutes.
Once on the firing line using live ammo training we were in a foxhole, the woman in the next foxhole. Was turning to ask the instructor behind us a question, with her weapon and her finger on the trigger and it was pointed right at me, I ducked down heard the shot hit the sand bag just above my head. The next thing I remember was she was out of her foxhole and I was standing over her and shaking her hard, then heard yelling and something kept hitting my helmet, I let her go and looked up at my drill instructor his face was so red! Then I remembered and told him “she almost killed ME! Look at the hole in the sandbag” he said “yes Mary I see it went all the way through, good thing you ducked when you did.” Later that day I was told that I had jumped out of my foxhole so fast, pulled her out hers, and started shaking her before my drill instructor got there. Still don't remember getting out of my foxhole only remember what I had been told. My shot for record was 39 out of 40 targets
In the 101st at Fort Campbell, we took R.O.T.C. for rides in UH 60 Blackhawk helicopters. First they got a tour of the hanger by a pilot who told them, if they wanted some pop to go ahead and have one, since I gave the tour to women I told them not to drink anything and our last stop was the bathroom. Having flew more than a few of these flights I knew, the pilots wanted to shake them up by doing some ground level flying. The pilots for fun had me get into a flight suit and helmet (can't tell if it’s man or a woman) no matter what a few of these boy’s lost control, at landing I jumped out for the power down. Was told to take off my helmet and let my hair fly, let them know you're a woman poor boy’s trying to hide that they wet themselves. Now when the men (boys) had first came in all talking how easy it would be to be pilots, yes that flight did knock them down a peg or two. All the women came down dry and yes, the women gave the boys a hard time all the way home.

The weekend and Memorial Day

For me remembering the many people who died in service with me in the Army, isn't set aside to just one day. None of them died in combat or in a battle, a very few made it in their local newspaper but it wasn't front page news, only one made the local T.V. news that I know of,  maybe because he was murdered in the parking lot of the Army reserve center. At his funeral the salute given, was one all of us wanted returned but wasn't. Most were caused in training accidents but not all, three I saw die and one I held his hand as the light of life faded from his eye's, his death did make the newspaper and it said "Five died in rollover car accident last night." Understanding that those who died in war fighting for this country and for freedom, deserve to be honored not just on Memorial day but everyday. To the mothers, wife's and husband's, son's and daughter's I am so sorry for your loss, for they did something few would do, by putting their life on the line for others. There is no way to thank you or them enough, for the sacrifice that was made. To the Mothers next mother's day look at the flags on federal building for in the morning they are at half staff in honor of you at noon they are raised to full staff. This country will never forget the sacrifice you made.


I'm glad and proud that Memorial day weekend isn't called the unofficial start of summer as often as it once was. Hope it stay's a day to remember the sacrifice others made for us and freedom for a long time to come.


As a Veteran of the military a day is set a side for us here and in many countries around the world, so join with us to honor and celebrate with us in the eleventh month on the eleventh day at the eleventh hour for those who served and or are serving in all branches of the military. For a time the United States, was the only country that observed it on a Monday or Friday making it a three day weekend. Thankfully it was changed back so we can join with many to honor veterans around the world.     

WBGT* Wet Bulb Globe Temperature Index

Started writting this on 6-24-2011

Thursday and Friday were hot with a heat index of 107 degrees, I know for some folks that maybe a normal high for where they live. Minnesota is known more for our cold and snow and after last winter with temperature well below zero for weeks at a time and that doesn't including the windchill factor. With the heat index that high I stayed inside with the A/C set at 78 degree's needless to say I didn't venture out at all. So I started thinking back to the best mistake I've made so far.

It was back in July of 1980 I had just graduated from High School and was waiting to hear about a full scholarship I was the first alternate on. The scholarship included paid on the job training, all classes as well as housing for up to 4 years to become a Forest Ranger, I had already meet all the requirements having worked for the Youth Conservation Corps in 1979 for six weeks and had passed the skill tests on conservation and plant identification, the only tests in my life I had or have gotten every answer a 100% right and  had been recommended by 2 crew leaders as well as the director and one of the ranger's that supervised work we had done. The last was a essay in at least 500 word on why I thought I would make a good Forest ranger. I knew the first six month's of the training would be in Washington State at a fire station and that my only human contact would more than likely be with the two trainers, after living through high school it sounded like haven to me anyway. So I didn't think for one minute that the person who got it would ever turn to down. I didn't want just a  job to pay the bills, I wanted a job I could be proud of having doing... Hell! I wanted the chance to become a Forest Ranger! Thinking I had no direction feeling lost and at my lowest point. The phone rang it was an Army recruiter long  story short,  I joined the U.S. Army serving the county. Now this fixed two problems I had at the same time. Now I had a job and a direction I could be proud of. Three weeks into my basic training, I called my mother that's when she told me the scholarship people had called, to let me know the scholarship was mine if I still wanted it. She let them know I had joined the Army. It was one of many paths I've not taken, I didn't and still don't regret my decision. Because it was the best choice I thought I had at the time I made it. At that time the only other choice I was told and believed I had was to find a job working for minimum wage for the rest of my life. Everything worked out the way it should. Learning a lesson that's still true today. Not everything I am told is the truth, when it come to that I capable of accomplishing and at times that also includes me! 

In less then 24 hours I was on a plane going to Basic training. When I got to Fort Jackson in South Carolina the Army used WBGT* index category for work and rest and being from Minnesota I'm very glad they did, it worked fairly will I only had heat exhaustion four or five times. So since I couldn't to much I decided to fix it so next year when it starts to get hot I'll have a guideline for next year, instead of relearning my lesson over again next year.

This is globe standard:                                                  My M.S
Category          Temperature           work / rest         work/rest
                1            78-81.9                     40  /  20              30/30 
(green)  2            82-84.9                    30  /  30              20/40
(yellow)3             85-87.9                    30  /  30              10/50
(red)     4             88-89.9                    20  /  40               5/55
(black) 5               > 90                         10  /  50               0/60

For each hour of work using this chart decrease work by 10 minutes and increase rest by 20 minutes, anything after 4 hours increase rest by one hour.