Writings without regrets

An overdue thank you

You loved me without condition, even before I was born

Teaching me life is about making choices

That only I could make

Understand no matter what at the time

It was

The only choice you could make

Hindsight is always 20/20

Remember

Every choice is a path not taken

Each choice has changed me

Making me the person I am today

Life is a journey of choices

Living with my choices makes it my life

Thank you for helping me to find my own answers.

Love always you’re, Didier Daughter

Mary K. Mennenga

My Birthday and seeing Gettysburg

Turning 50 wasn't hard it's only a measurement of time, being a mile stone Birthday and the first one my Mom and I wouldn't be chatting for hours on the phone about everything, mostly about Birthday's hers and her  Mom's, and the ones from when we were kids with all the cousin's most of us kids were born in either November and or around May, so we had a big party each summer, because I was so young don't remember much, seeing the pictures with all of us kids in the back yard of "2932" sharing  her memories of the many party's in the backyard, and telling me her reason why at forty five she colored her hair gray. What she told everyone was a woman should have their hair colored at least once! Her other reason for wanting it done was  because her Mom passed away before she had one gray hair and she thought her Mom would have looked good with gray hair. How we laughed at how gray her hair had getting over the years, with only a very few dark ones left and so much gray hair. Back when I took her to get her hair she told the hairdresser "I told them to only cut the grays one. She had always called my brothers and I on our birthday's to sing happy birthday to us. For the last few years of her life I would let the answering machine take that call and wait to pickup until after she was done singing so I could listen to it over again. Knowing soon a birthday was coming when I wouldn't receive a call from her. This being the first mile stone birthday I didn't want to be home waiting for a call, I knew wouldn't come. 


We started planning this visit to Jane's sister Char shorty after we got back from Florida last year  got the plane tickets in January. Long before we went to Las Vegas thankfully not everything stays in Vegas so what we came home with became the spending money for this trip. Most of it was spent at the gift shop at Gettysburg, the money spent there goes to help with the up keep of Gettysburg so we got some cool stuff and helped keep Gettysburg the way it is. 

Gettysburg 

Having only seen it in painting's in both the north and south some had more blue or gray depending on what side of the line it was on. Seeing it in person was amazing the battle field is much bigger then any painting showed. Having serviced in the Army knowing and learning about this battle, it was nice seeing it as a peaceful resting place for so many from both sides.    

Devils den 

The battle field is so big! Learned during the battle, people would go out and have a picnic lunch and watch the battle. Some of the monuments in this photo are up to ten miles away. Knowing this place through it's history is something. After seeing it and the pain it caused to both sides and as a nation. That as a people we are still having trouble with the equality issue, maybe it's the wording of it or that the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that a Corporation has the same rights as a person. What is it that makes it's okay to withhold rights to any person or group of people. 

Loved the view from here, 

I could just see the Mountain's

in all but one of the photo's

from Gettysburg 

The trip has help reinforced what I believe.

There are somethings worth dying for,

but few are worth killing for.

It's a trip I'll never forget.

On April 13 it's 2 years since Mom's goodbye

The reason for this post is having a new tenant moving in and for the first time it's a man. Meaning the flowered wallpaper in the bed room had to go, the peach painted walls that looked more pinker and the flowered shower curtain. For a single man not a good vibe. While I was doing the updating by removing the wallpaper, patching the nail holes, replacing light fixture, and bathroom vanity. Painting using bold solid and darker colors, basically making it into a man cave! Kept thinking about my Mom and how much fun we had doing many of the same things at "2932" it's what everyone called our house. The memories of how it never seemed like a chore, just spending time together fixing things just the two of us. The many trips to the hardware store, with parts in hand because we didn't know the real name of it. All we knew was it's broken. 2932 was a very old house, Her Mother (Mayme) had purchased the home in 1944, the day they moved in, was the first time her Father (Oscar) had seen it. Each time Mom and I were fixing this or that, hanging a picture or stuff like that, her memories of her life within those walls, were very entertaining. Knowing it was Friday the 13 which doesn't bother me but this time it was. Then realizing it was April 13, I understood why I was having all the memories and why it was hitting me so hard. 

Since my Mom has joined the rest of her family in haven. It may seem odd that I don't really miss her, how could I miss someone how is a part of who I am.

Before Mom (Auntie Adele and Friend) moved from "2932" Everyone in or close to the family knew one phone call to Auntie Adele (Mom) was the best way to find out how everyone was all my cousins would call or Mom would call them to talk about how things were going, and she would pass on all the good stuff. Remaining Mom, Auntie Adele and friend, by not sharing what wasn't hers to share, in one phone call all could get the family news of everyone who had talked to her. To be honest it's nice that now when we do get together, my family doesn't already know everything I've been doing.

Mom was the last one in her family to go; she wanted to make sure her brother and three sisters kid's we would be okay. Now it's the same as it was with her family. The sons and or daughters, of my Mom's brothers and sisters get together with their brothers and or sisters. For the most part we all stay in touch, Facebook is a great way to learn what and how everyone is doing. Every two years we all get together for a reunion which is a lot of fun.

Learning recently the relationship Mom and I shared was rare. She was the one who cut the apron strings, in a way of knocking herself off the Mommy pedestal I had put her on. When I stopped acting like a child, we were able to become friends She was my Mom and my best friend, She kept my secret's, taught me so many things here are a few of them: 1. The impossible just takes longer that's all! 2. Life has a beginning, a middle and one day it will end, that's why it works! 3. The only person  in control of life is you if not, then it's not your life your living! 4. To remember all the smiles, laughter and fun with joy. In sadness and loss remember the love that was and is shared. From the bad learn the lessons it has to teach you and let go! 5. Don't live your life in regret of the choices you've made in the past, for your not the same person you were back then. Just do the best you can with what you've got to work, as long as it's your best, it will always be more than enough.

No I don't miss her, I remember her Jokes, how much fun we had the pranks she pulled on everyone. How surprised she was when all the neighborhood kids sang her Happy Birthday when she came home from work one year, yes I had told them it was her birthday, but they asked me if they could sing her happy birthday,  when I opened the back door twenty+ kids started singing, it was priceless. Driving my Mom and Auntie Jo up to see their cousin Boot's and his sister Nancy a four hour drive. We were over half way there in the middle of nowhere the car started acting up turned the radio down trying to hear what was wrong my Mom started giggling, from the back seat as she leaning forward and rocked back making the car move! I yelled MOM what are you doing? Her answer was "Well I thought you may be getting bored!" The number of hours we spent talking on phone about everything and nothing at the same time. How she loved her family and the way she could always find something good to say about everyone. I'm grateful to her for showing that love can and should be given unconditionally to all the people you love, because it's a gift not given for gain. It's the heart knowing love can't be won, earned or forced it just is!

     

The Last of My Written Reflections is Done!

I started keeping a journal in 1975 by 1987 the numbers of boxes and the information within became a risk. The weight alone would be a strain if I was going to move. Being in my mom house I knew they were safe, knowing she would never read them, but what if some else did? The thought sent a cold chill through my heart. Within the pages was many very raw feeling, from everything I had gone through so far in my life. Were meant only for me! What if I died or if I had succeeded in my attempts at suicide. What was I thinking? Only of myself, that for sure!

Having gained tools to handle and deal with what was within those pages. Taking one book at a time, saving the good and life changing events, lessons learned and a few things I hadn’t yet made peace with. Over the years I had started removing names allowing the pain to fade, seeing all that I was continuing to hold on to. It wasn’t helpful instead it was holding me back, watching as I let it go falling into the well of forgiveness and feeling my heart beating as if for the first time.

In 1989 I took a hard look at my part in screwing up my life and taking responsibility for the choices I made and how I had allowed others to treat me. Mom helped me see that playing the blame game wasn’t going to get me anywhere. There was never a doubt that she loved me. Mom knew I had been working on condensing my journals for years, and wanted to know what I had learned and what I was planning do with them now? Telling her I’ve made them into more of a way of reflecting on what I’ve learned, forgiving things people did that hurt me and forgiving myself for allowing it to happen! By removing the names and letting the pain go. Understanding it’s about the lessons that living life has taught me, making it what it is today. My written reflections I had no intension of sharing them with anyone but her.

When I was diagnosed with Multiply Sclerosis in 2001 Mom wanted me to write them out into the form their in now. In 2003 writing became harder and too painful to write much at all, I was still working. By the end of 2005 I had to stop working. In 2006 One trip to the emergency room without health insurance, it was time to move into the city, so I could start going to V.A. hospital. Mom was very glad we did, she worried so much about me. The landlords were friends, so it worked out good for everyone. Only 15 minutes from the V.A. very handy indeed.

Was given an old computer by our friends, when mom heard this she asked are you ready to get back to writing again? So I got back to writing. Mom was my editor with her 8^th grade education and my spelling it was good enough for the two of us. My losing the ability to drive and Moms health and eye sight declining, no one knew she was recognizing people by the sound of their voices. My brothers and I knew how bad her health problems were. This information she didn’t want shared with anyone, if asked tell them I’m fine and that’s what I did. She asked so little it was her choice if I disagreed to bad it wasn’t my choice to make. We had gotten through almost all of them. Then Mom asked me to write one about her, using her words and way of looking at the world and living her life. It’s on my blog; May 19, 2011 the title is Mother, Grandmother, Auntie and Friend.

She wanted me to make my writing into a book along with The Journey of Finding Myself and Living with Multiple Sclerosis or to get them published. That wasn't why I started writing them in the first place! Well I think posting them here is good enough.

Thank you to all who have read and or added your comments. This was the last thing my Mom Adele K. Mennenga wanted me to do and now that it’s done. Now I understand why she felt it was necessary for me to do this. To help me learn life is about the journey of living, no matter the hand life has dealt me. Teaching me how to find my own answers which only leads to more question

My Written Reflections

By Mary K. Mennenga

The list of titles

1.      A Dream

2.      My Dearest Love

3.      What I’ve Learned So far

4.      Without Hope

5.      Love Is Not Blind

6.      At What Cost

7.      When You Truly Love

8.      Why Do You…Why don’t you

9.      Life As I see It

10.  Why Not!

11.  To A Dear Friend

12.  Words

13.  The Truth About Guilt

14.  The Thing About Worry

15.  What Do You Really Mean?

16.  In The Span Of Life It’s The Middle That Matters

17.  This Is For The Few That Feel The Help Given Wasn’t Much Help At All

18.  An Ending Maybe Or Not

19.  Love As A Word And A Feeling

20.  How Things Workout

21. Did You Know

22.  The Bond Between Friends

23.  It’s Up To You

24.  It’s Odd, But Really Not So Much

25.  What Is It That Makes Pity So Painful?

26.  Making Assumption

27. You Being You Is Amazing

28.  A Thunderstorm Brings Peace

29.  The Step You’ve Taken Together Today

30.  When A Friendship Changes or Ends

31.  If You Could See Past Disability

32.  Fighting An Unseen Foe

33.  Misunderstanding It’s Not A Choice

34.  One Cold Wind

35.  Common Not All Are Capable

36. June 1980

37. One Man By Unsure

38. Win, Win

39. If I Had The Ability To Read Minds

40. Honey

41. Questions Don’t Mean Answers

42. Honesty-Dishonesty

43. Friends

44. Abilities, Capabilities and Choices!

45. Love Lost Hate Forever

46. It’s Happening Now

47. To Pitch Or Keep

48. Sharing The Depth Of Love

49. It’s Automatic

50. Friendships

51. Questions Of Faith Tested

52. Meaning The Most

53. Why is When…?

A Christmas Reflection

Last year I didn't do the Christmas decorating thing, with my Mom gone and Jane's sister Karen so sick. Putting up a Christmas tree and all that goes with it, was too much for me to handle at the time. This year I've been making up for not doing it last year. Of course I hadn't taken into account having Primary Progressive M.S. and losing abilities that I had last year. Maybe I should ask for help but knowing if I did, I'd get all kinds of help, some in the form of doing it for me, which is taking over control, that isn't the type of help I want or need. The trouble is all my memories of  doing Christmas decorating with Mom at her house, even after I had moved out. We would go to get her Christmas tree at stands that pop up after Thanksgiving or go cut one down. Her requirement was wide and not too tall. Every year we went, At the stand she always pick the one that was a bit off that no one else seemed to want. At the cut your own tree place, never did cut one down she would see a poor discarded tree that someone had already cut down then have me hold it up and give it a spin, then declare it to be her Christmas tree! Telling her the first few times how bad the flaws were, some had two trunks or shaped like an S or a C. But she would hear none of that. Saying only that it was perfect because it was going to be a Christmas tree. After we got it home I would put on her 500 lights, working to hide as many of the flaws as I could. Together we hung all of her ornaments, each  had a special meaning and many had been gifts from people so dear to her. Each year after sitting down to check our work, that's when I realized she was right it truly was a perfect Christmas tree with all the love hanging on it.


My Christmas tree is up with it's 500+ lights, yes I can feel all the love coming from it and I know she's enjoying it with me.

Karen and her sisters
Char and Jane
Passed away October 4, 2011

My Mom Adele and me
October 25 1930 ~ April 13, 2010

Here is the tree that brought back so many wonderful memories of Christmas.

Thanks for reminding what Christmas is all about

Caring, Sharing and

Love   

Christmas or Xmas

Either way you write it

You can't take Christ out of 

 CHRISTMAS or X-MAS

Both mean the exact same thing!

   

Been working on one of the first pages I did.

When I posted this the first time I couldn't read it through and now I hope it will be easier to read. Sorry about that folk's!
The title in pages is "This is the dream I had" the whole title is. 

Shortly after I lost my best friend

Who just happened to be a dog.

This is the dream I had

Working on this page has always been hard. Jane and I got Honey girl as a puppy just six weeks old, all of her life 13 and half years. Honey girl and I did everything together, making some jobs harder to get done, I really didn't mind she kept me entertained, with the ways she tried to help. Most of the time it involved a rock or a ball, some how she thought it would help! 

The last six mouths of her life had been hard on all three of us. Honey had gotten sick becoming so dependent on me she wouldn't even go outside without me and if we could she wouldn't stay outside long enough to get her business done. When she lost her hearing and her always needing to be so close to me. It had caused me to fall many times, some were very painful for me because I made sure I didn't fall on her. Now this wasn't information I cared to share. Honey girl had gotten to the point that if she couldn't find me, she got so upset, it made her sick. Sleeping in bed was out of the question because the bed was too high for her to see me, so she would whine. So I started sleeping in my chair, with the added stress my M.S. really started acting up. Jane was trying to help but Honey girl wouldn't do anything without me, so of course I just got madder at my body for not doing what I asked of it and that just made the M.S. worst yet, at the time blaming Jane and myself was easier. Because I refused to blame Honey girl I loved her so much. Honey girl got much worst unable to get up without help and lost all control of her bodily functions. It was time to stop her suffering. Jane and I knew, Honey Girl hated going to the vet. she would be sick for days even if it was just a check up. Neither of us wanted her to go through that kind of stress. A friend knew of a vet that would come to the house to put her down in her own bed, with me and her toys all around her.

When the vet came Honey girl seemed so happy to see this vet! Honey wasn't one who let people pet her, when she first met them, she had always been shy at first unless, you wanted to play catch or to play with her toy. The vet and her assistant had nothing like that, but Honey girl pushed passed me to greet them. Did she know why they were there? Was she glad they were going to put an end to her suffering? The vet give her a check up and told me how very sick Honey was, it would have only been a matter of days before she would have passed away on her own. The vet was surprised she had lived this long considering how sick she was. Honey girl and I went outside and played catch one last time and she went potty! We went inside and she went straight to her bed and laid down with her toys, I was petting her as I watched as the light in her eyes slowly faded away. A few weeks later I had gotten some sleep and was beginning to get my energy back, then I felt so guilty I cried for hours, in the hallway it still smelled like Honey Girl. Then I started thinking was the real reason I put Honey Girl down, for selfish reasons? That night I got my answer in the form of a dream, I didn't want to forget it! You know how that happens, so I called my Mom and told her about it. She stayed on the phone with me until I got it all down. (in pages it's This is the dream I had) I have only dreamed about the field of grass a few time, the last time was a few months after my Mom passed away. That dream I couldn't write down, it faded so quickly after I woke up. What I d0 remember is the feelings of love and peace it give me and that's good enough for me.

I've been a bit off as of late

Sometimes when this happens I don't understand, why it takes me so long to realize, I've got some kind of a chip on my shoulder. No wait that's not it, it's more of annoyed feeling I can't figure out why would I feel this way. Learning at last I was trying to figure out, my heart with my head! Rarely does that have a worthwhile out come. So until I allowed myself to feel what it was, I was afraid of feeling. Now that I've written it out, it seems kind of funny being afraid of  something I know is within my control. Oh my goodness fear is a thief that can sneak in, making mountains out of the smallest of sand piles. It's amazing once I faced my fear it turned out to be about the silliest of things. It's about my family reunion weekend this Saturday! It's the first time in Oh I can't remember when, I don't know what every one's been doing and realizing that the same is also true for them about me. Sharing with each other first hand what we feel is worth sharing, I really think this will be fun and nothing I need to be afraid of.

This time Mom will be there in spirit, at the last reunion two years ago. Mom didn't want me to share any of her health problems, all that could be done had already been done. For her this was about her spending time with her whole family. What she needed the was for everyone to remember her, as she had always been, good old Auntie Adele and friend. Not that this would be the last time they would see her. This meant she wanted bit of help at first, by letting her know who was coming in to visit, without them knowing I was doing it. Because she couldn't see far or well at all, the way she recognized everyone was by the sound of their voices. Another piece of information she hadn't wanted me to share so I didn't. As people walked by  she would ask me if that was one of our group or not, as people started coming to visit her, she wanted to visit with all of them, just not all at once. Mom had wanted me to bring my written reflection's she was proud of them and she had been my editor, but I knew that wasn't the only reason she wanted them, it didn't take long to understand it was meant as tool for me to  run interference for her. Of course it worked like a charm, when too many conversation were going on all at once she would bring up my writings. The first time she said; "Mary show (so and so) your written reflection the one about, which ever one she thought the person would be interested in". It was my cue to distract some conversation away from her to me, with all the voices and more coming in all the time. She didn't want to miss her chance to talk with each and everyone of them. As she began  bringing all the conversation back together. Gathering up the discarded copies of my reflection knowing they had done what she had needed them to do, I took my spot sitting just behind her. Watching as she directed all of us that had come, getting everyone talking to and with each other without her having to talk about herself. She just took it all in, adding in her stories of each of us and filling in the gapes of memories and adding in the reaction of their parents, had told her about what the kids had done. It was she told later, so nice having her whole family back together again, reminding her of all the great gathering we have had with her whole family all together once more.

It will be interesting to see how and who will bring all of us together as a family. Already knowing it will not be me, I'm still considered as the baby by some and with my M.S. forget it! We all say some of the same thing she did. Being afraid of the unknown isn't me, as I told Mom many years ago. It is what it is until it isn't what it once was. Making this reunion brand new, where it goes if it's the start of something new or the last of it's kind? Only time and each member of the whole family knows the answer. As for me, I'm no longer able to plan that far ahead. With M.S. I just don't know that the future may hold. 

#28 A thunderstorm brings peace

A thunderstorm brings peace

By Mary K. Mennenga

The hardest day in my life was the day my Mom died

I wasn't sad, more relieved her life had become so complicated

She has always been my rock and her love never wavered

She always had a positive attitude and whenever obstacle's littered her path; she didn't walk around them, instead she worked her way though them all.

She wasn't one to make mountains out of molehills

She preferred to live and let live

She didn't want anyone to worry or fuss over her

Living her life in control of her choices, when attempting to accept that she needed help, wasn't a role she was familiar with or cared for much!

She knew it was essential and handled it the best she could

As her night came a thunderstorm rolled in

She went to see what the ruckus was all about

As she did an Angel went home to heaven.

Mother, Grandmother, Auntie and Friend

By Adele K. Mennenga

Written by Mary K. Mennenga

The love she's given

Has always been unconditional and never waived

She said, "I don't love anyone the most

I've only loved them longer, that's all."

She never felt qualified to judge anyone

She has always known

"You've done the best you could with the hand

You've been dealt and that

Your best has always been good enough for her"

The love she shared reminds us

Life is a journey we haven't taken alone

So just take it as it comes and enjoy it

Remembering that dying is just the last piece

Of living we'll do and life goes on

The accomplishments she was the most proud of are:

Shooting 100% in basketball. All the children she taught to tie shoes could. She had something good to say about everyone. No has always meant No and it never ever meant maybe! She would give advice if you used it or not, all she wanted was to give you more options. She used cliches to teach life lessons. When hearing them repeated to the next generation, she knew we had learned the significance of keeping it simple.

We wrote this together shorty before she passed away. That basketball shot was from the top step going in our back door, the basketball hoop was 15 feet away and it was nothing but net, after she made it she was asked repetitively to do it again, her reply was; "Why? I can't improve on perfection now can I!" It was the first and last time she ever shot a basketball, no matter how hard we tried over the years to get her to she never would.

She didn't want me to be sad about her passing it's why life works you see is what she always said to me. Still I hear her words and wisdom coming from deep inside of me, more so when I'm being a bone head of course!  

My birthday falls on Mothers day this year

It didn't happen often just enough for my Mom and I to have fun with it. One year I asked her "So what do you want for Mothers day?" Mom said "I already got my Mothers day gift I have  my three kids and that's all I ever wanted. And what do you want for your Birthday?" Two can play at this game, knowing she would react and there would be nothing she could do about it. So I told her the truth I got what I wanted already! she said "oh no you don't, you can't use mine!" My reply was, of course I can't may I finish? "yes!" Mom it is a gift I've only recently received from you and it's of your friendship,  no tears or arguments. From that point on when my birthday fell on Mother's day. The gift we gave each other was of spending time together not always on Mother's day, I do have two brothers who love her as I do. She was the glue that held her family  together. As a child knowing how much everyone within her family loved her and she loved them. I felt a bit jealous so I asked her, who do you love the most? This is how she put it to me "I don't love anyone the most, I've only loved them longer that all! Now as for you and your brothers I loved each of you even before you were born." After that I understood and didn't mind sharing her with any of the people she loved, I knew they all loved her just as much as I did.

The only thing I could honestly say I miss are her phone calls, for many years we had talked at the very least once a day. The last few years before she passed away, we had talked multiple times each day, we talked about everything and nothing for hours at a time. If by chance she called and I didn't answer, she could and did leave up to 20 messages on my phone in about 15 minutes, how she could was amazing to me. She worried about me more then she needed too, I tried to calm her fears but nothing I could do or say would calm her. So I started taking the phone with me everywhere. That worked fairly well unless I forgot it somewhere. If I were to wish, (which I don't do) it would be for her to call me, so could hear her voice once more. Hearing her in my head and heart just isn't the same some how. I can't really say I miss her because I feel her around me and she is the best part of who I am. When I make a bone headed decision, I can hear she saying "Well that's not the choice I would have made, however it wasn't my choice to make was it." Needless to say I've been hearing that one quite a bit lately.

I would say most if not all of my writings have been influenced by her in one way or another. She was the one who gave me the tools to find the questions I needed to find answers for. When she learned time was a commodity  she didn't have much of. The main thing she asked of me was, if I would at least try wearing more bright colors, so I am and starting to like it too. She wanted me to remember "That dying is just the last piece of living we have to get done.  So if you don't handle death well, then I didn't do a very good job of teaching you about life now did I!" And yes that does have guilt written all over it. The last was: Life will go on, it must because that's why life works.

The Thirteenth of April 2010. It's why I've got to be Me

This is about my mother and me, my two brothers both older making me the baby of the family. My Mother had three sisters and two brothers (one who died when he was 3 months old). My Mother  sister's and brother were very close, all of my cousin's were considered as family they might not see it that way. Mom and I did, Mom loved all of them the way she put it was; " I don't love anyone the most I've just loved them longer, that all." In a way it was almost like I had 13 brothers and 8 sisters. Some lived with us from time to time, some I didn't see very much they were still part of what Mom called our family. This has gotten much longer than I intended, but it is what it is, and it's part of why I've got to be me.

My Mother was 79 years old and had a grocery list of health problems. Mom would share what was happening with everybody as long as it was good, news and or funny. Getting her to talk about herself didn't happen she was a master of changing the subject. As her health problems began to take a toll on her body, time was a commodity she didn't have much of. We each knew including Mom that if she got sick, her body was not likely to recover. Her mind and will were as strong as ever.  Now this wasn't information Mom wanted shared, my brothers are much stronger than I am. I asked her don't you think some of the family has a right to know? "No and I don't want you to share my health information with the family or my friends, if your asked how I am just tell them I'm fine!" I'm not going lie to them they'll never forgive! She told me; "This is going to be very hard on you I know but I don't want any one's last visit or memory with me to be one of watching me dieing. What I really want is for each person to remember me the way I lived and as they remember me. I don't want anyone to mourn me before I'm dead." I would do as she asked but told her "I'm not going to lie I'll tell them "you said your fine" that way it's your lie not mine, after your gone all bet's and deals are off!" Mom said "That's good enough for me!" It's the way she wanted it so I did as she asked. After she passed I told all who asked me the truth, many of her dear and oldest friends said  it sounds just like her and come to think of it I don't remember her sharing any bad news or talking about herself. My mom did tell everybody about my M.S. because she was so proud of how I was handling it and she worried about me too much! 

My Mom was my best friend, at times my only friend each time I felt hopeless and lost she was the one I talked to the most. She didn't judge me or try to fix it for me, she would help me to see it for that it was, a choice only I should make. She offered me the tools and advice to help me but never told me what I should do. Reminding me always it's my life to live and every choice I make is a path not taken and that no matter what choice I made, she loved me.  She didn't agree with some of the choices I made of course. I'm not her, she didn't rise me to be just like her or anyone else! I don't mind when someone tells me I'm just like her, I do consider that high praise even though I know it's not true. People say that's something your Mother would say, yes that's very true. I'm not going to apologize for that she's my mother. Having listened to her wisdom that was right on most of the time, all of my life some of it's bound to stick!


When I was helping Mom pack up her house, A three bedroom house that she had lived in for over 60 years her Mother had purchased it in 1945. The memories were the hardest part for her. Thankfully all I had to pack were the things she had. She had to pack her memories and said; "It's a good thing I only hold on to the good ones! No baggage to luge around!" We talked about her mother a lot she died before I was born. We talked about how the house has always been referred to as  "2932". I asked her if she had any second thoughts? She said "Oh no it's about time I let this go, it's just more house than I need, and now everyone can stop worrying about me falling down the stair's that, I have never falling down in my life but I won't miss them not one bit!"


As we were finishing up, Mom stopped and got very quiet and asked me do you think your like me? In some way's kind of in others not so much. Mom your my best friend and I love you very much, but I've got to be me the person I'm meant to be. As long as I have choices I've got to be me, our life's experience are so different from each other, you have been the best teacher I've had and I'm very glad your my Mother. Mom didn't say anything for a while then said "You skipped a generation your more like my Mom then me." She didn't seem unhappy about it. Then she told me; "You listen to everything and mull it over and mix it all up and make it your own." I told her "Yep! that's what makes me the individual you taught me to be, similar maybe just not the same." My Mom and I could and did talk about everything and nothing for hours at a time. I loved that she would tell me something she had told me before and it was exactly the same as the first time she told it to me.


As a child just like most kids I asked my Mom why a lot. Her answer 90% of the time was; what do you think the reason why is? When I wanted to know that a word meant she didn't tell me what she thought or knew it meant. Instead she told me I'm not sure look it up in the dictionary. Telling her I can't spell didn't work, you can read it right? So what's the first letter start from there and read the words until you find that word. So you see she didn't answer my questions or do it for me. Instead she gave me the tools I needed to figure things out for myself, then draw my own conclusions from what I had learned. The tools she gave me will last a lifetime and I've gained more for my own life experiences. What I've learned is tools teach me how to find the questions I want answers for. When being told the answer to a question I don't learn anything, I just know that someone told me what they think the answer is! Most answers end up creating more questions anyway! That's one of the reasons why I am always myself and just not like anyone else.


My Mom got sick in March of 2010 with the flu. That when she went into the hospital for the last time. The night my Mom passed away I was sleeping in my chair and woke up with an overwhelming feeling that I needed to do something. But I couldn't find anything I had forgotten to do. So I sat down in my chair again, looking out the window I could see lightning from a storm moving in from the southwest, it was shorty after 3:00am when I heard the first thunder in a short period of time, it became a very loud thunderstorm that lit up the night sky, I watched it until I couldn't hear the thunder anymore I went to sleep.  Around 5:00am my brother called telling me Mom is playing with her sisters in heaven. I found out later she had passed away around 3:30am, that's when the thunderstorm was at it's loudest. Later after a another thunderstorm had come and gone I wrote this.

A thunderstorm brings peace

The hardest day in my life was the day my Mom died

I wasn't sad, more relieved her life had become so complicated

She has always been my rock and her love never wavered

She always had a positive attitude and whenever obstacle's littered her

path; she didn't walk around them, instead she worked her way though

them all.

She wasn't one to make mountains out of molehills

She preferred to live and let live

She didn't want anyone to worry or fuss over her

Living her life in control of her choices,

when attempting to accept that she needed help,

wasn't a role she was familiar with or cared for much!

She knew it was essential and handled it the best she could

As her night came a thunderstorm rolled in

She went to see what the ruckus was all about

As she did an Angel went home to heaven.

By Mary K. Mennenga  

  If you've managed to get through this let me know what you think, besides the fact it's so every long.   

GLUE

In every group of people there seems to be that one person, who I'm going to call Glue. Who is the one that holds all the different personalities together. When Glue isn't there for whatever reason, the group become dysfunctional why is that? What makes that one person so important?
     Is it because Glue is so loved by everyone in the group. That each person is willing set a side their differences and to play nicely with one other, at times not saying what you really think or feel. Instead holding back so Glue won't get upset because of friction within the group. The group works as a team not letting the little things get in the way of visiting with Glue.
     I'm very sure Glue saw it for what it was, and was very happy the group was willing to do this for Glue's sake. Glue was very smart and was willing to take what Glue could get sometimes even if it was a bit of an illusion, Glue didn't mind Glue just missed things the way it used to be before some of the first members had gone, that's all.
     Glue knew the group had changed as all things and people do over time. Glue knew everyone in the group loved Glue very much and Glue loved everyone very much. This does not mean the members of this group don't love and care for each other because I'm very sure we all do. With each being raised by very strong willed and independent people it's the history we all share together that will always unite this group. Knowing if needed the group will always be there to support each other. Plainly put basis don't change!