The mirror

Is a funny thing when we look at the reflection. We see every flaw the pain, stress and fatigue. So why is it that so few people can see it when we know it's written all over our face? Because that's not face we let many people see. Instead we smile and put on that brave face, you know it's the one  you learned to use right after, seeing that first look of pity directed at you! Think back to the reflection you saw in the mirror what was your first thought? For me most of the time it's " I look horrible or like shit, death warmed over twice! My personal favorite is, like something the cat tried to drag in but ended up leaving  out on the door step! This is a few from  a long list I've said to myself. As I turn away from the mirror  leaving that reflection behind me and putting on the face I wish I could see in the mirror. No it's not a fake face, I'm putting my best face forward so conversations aren't about how I look. When I'm asked how I'm doing I just say I'm fine that way no one needs to worry about me, it's not a lie I'm just limiting the amount of information that could be used against me. Thankfully none of my family and only a few friends read my blog anyway. That way I can enjoy the conversations, visit and have some fun. Without being told what I can or should and can't or shouldn't do.      

#27 You being you is amazing

You being you is amazing
By Mary K. Mennenga

When what you can do is stolen from you
The mix of emotions is different for each person

Learning their life and all plans made

May need to be changed or at least need a lot of adjustments

The future is now more of a question mark

Your heart, spirit and love for life remains unchanged

Your not one to give up or quit when the gets tough
Knowing it's name is M.S. gives you power over it
Because you knew what it could and would do
M.S. didn't know the kind of fighter you are
You know the fight must be against M.S.
Not you!
What it takes from you isn't who you are only what you can do
You really are much more than just that
Knowledge is a powerful tool when the fighting
Must be done from the inside out

Having limits isn't  something you've had to deal with until now
Handling this isn't easy when it changes
One day you can the next your body fails it's not your fault
You know what the real reason is and it's not you
Getting people to understand does not always happen
Now all plan's made are tentative to limit misunderstandings
This is when we see how strong you are as you battle M.S.
Yet you still manage to take care of the people who love you
Of course you may not see it that way, your looking outward
We are looking in seeing your heart
That is the most amazing part of you being you

Nothing I do will change the outcome.

That a wonderful day, no reason it just is. Yep I still have pain, ringing in my ear nothing has changed or gotten better. The USA our government will more than likely default and lose it's AAA credit rating, for the first time in history. Understanding that I have no control over the outcome anyway so worrying about it would be worthless so I don't, part of it is my fault anyway I voted. So what is it that makes this a wonderful day? Realizing that no matter what happens it will still be what it is. If I lose my V.A. health care and a social security check, so will over 50 million other people, I'll muddle though some how or not, all I can do is the best I can with what I've got to work just like every body else. It will work out just not the way I want it to that's all. It's still a wonderful day anyway a gift that I will enjoy...

#26 Making assumptions

Making assumptions

By Mary K. Mennenga

Everyone does this from time to time

It's also one of those things we have all done to others

Throughout history it has caused all wars

People seem to see things as only right or wrong

It's my way or the highway type of mentality

Approaching subjects with the attitude of

If I don't get what I want then no 0ne will get anything

Even if it ends up hurting everyone

This cuts both ways when nobody is willing to compromise

When what's good for the few is more important

Than what's good for the many

That's when those with nothing have nothing to lose

The majority have just enough to get by

But realize they are one misstep away from

Joining the nothing to lose

This is when freedom is lost

Could this still be called?

The land of the free and the home of the brave

My window to the world

A different kind of post from me, it's just to hot to be outside so I watch from my window this is some of what I see.

I'm not big on watching people, I watch the critters mostly and these two love that the bird's are messy eaters.

Breakfast under the tree!

The bird bath is in the back yard and it's always stays in the shade:-)

Here are some shots of last winter!

These were taken 12-12-10 on top this 34 inches we got another 84 inches. None of it started melting until mid March and was gone the last week of April, the last snow fell on May 12 if I remember right.

Right now I wouldn't mind a bit of last winter Back Today!

# 25 Of Reflections What is it that makes pity so painful?

What is it that makes pity so painful?
By Mary K. Mennenga

If it's happened to you, you know what I mean!

It's beyond painful it destroys trust

It can be over come with understanding

And a willingness not to judge
By not allowing yourself to stand in judgment

Seeing the ability as well as the inability
Of communicating feelings isn't easy when you love and care for someone
Interpreting words from heart to heart is harder still
The heart knows feeling just not always the right words
To convey what a person's true feelings are
Instead of focusing on the words that were used
Actively listen with your heart
Focusing on the heart behind the words
That's where the true meaning will be found

Here comes the HEAT

Started 7-15
The normal high for this time of year 84 degrees, however starting Saturday through the follow week it will be 90+ degrees with dew point in the upper 60 and 70 so the heat index will be over 100 degrees, right now it's 74 degree Yesterday the high was 77 degrees all last week the dew point was in the mid 40 to the low 50. To be honest I don't know how those of you who live where that is the normal, handle this kind of heat even when I was stationed in Kentucky which was 30 years ago it was hard to handle back then. 

7-16 lowest temp was 78
Yes I know it's all relative but after my trip to florida in march I'm a bit nervous. This heat wave may last longing then two weeks. Last year we had a small one that lasted for less then 5 days but we lost power 3 times and I almost lost it. With the weather having been cooler then normal this year, I'm having more trouble than I did last summer. It will be okay I've got a plan in case all hell breaks loose and we have rolling black outs, I'll go to the V.A. it's only 3 miles from the house, I do know a few that may give me a ride to get there, if I ask them or I can always call a taxi.

7-17 low temp 81
After last winter you would think, I'd be a little more thankful for some heat, what's come isn't heat for me it's too much HOT with air so thick it would be easier to drink than breath. Talk about climate change January coldest was around -10 degrees below zero with a windchill of -25 meaning that's how cold it felt. If we do reach the +99 degrees with a heat index of 115 degrees that's a swing of 140 degrees I think. The normal swing is around 81 degress. As I finish this the temp is 92 the heat index is 110 and it's only 1:40pm.

Researching Okay?

Researching after learning something is wrong would be much easier. If Doctors and researchers had full medical history and could go back through, investigating the past history learning. Had this person had a vitamin deficient or bone loss at a much younger age, or anything that could later in life become a problem that may need to be watched. Few people have complete medical records going back to childhood, there are many different reasons why people don't. Thankfully record keeping has gotten much better. Now the problem is many people can't afford to see a doctor with the cost of health care so high. Finding issues in the early stages isn't happening, instead problems are found too late or being missed all together. Reacting after the fact hasn't worked out very well so far, the learning curve is too slow, education of the facts is more miss then hit. Finding the real cause faster could make a huge difference in the outcomes for all of us.

Now I'm a nobody and not the brightest bulb on any tree that's for sure! I'm just saying what I think about what I've seen, heard and been told. So take this for what it is, my point of view. Maybe I'm wrong which I am quite a lot. This is my last post on this subject, I've come to the end of my research. Learning research works best the more information it has to draw from but with limited information it breaks down into, two people looking at the exact same information and not reach the same conclusion. Because it's more about the prospective of the information, then where when and who it came from what's gained is understanding that more and better sources of information are needed.

It seems people are trying to find something or someone to blame for what's happening, if we get rid of this one thing it would fix everything. There is a gap and a lot of what's happening is  best guessing and rounding up the usual suspects like smoking, bad health and eating habits and lacking proper nutrition as a child. Yes there are a lot more, but these three always seem to be on top of every list as a leading cause of just about everything. Starting with the first one Smoking and yes I smoke cigarettes. To be fair I smoked before I was born. Remembering the Doctor smoking in the office and people smoking in any store. Trying to find any group that has not been touched by carcinogen, is harder than I thought. Anything that burns produces carcinogen's there is no way around it, it's in so many things that are used in everyday. I do agree it should be at the top of every list, however we should call it what it is exposure to carcinogen's. Trying to blame a lack of knowledge on the past no one knew it was wrong then. Health science didn't know things were harmful until after people started dying, this is still true today. Trusting science now isn't that easy it's still more subjective then objective.*

*My point of reference is the study that came out about a year ago stating that forth and fifth hand cigarettes smoke is just as bad as second hand smoke. The study concluded this by
grouping all known burning carcinogen as one group cigarette smoke.  

This my rant: May and might

Before you start reading this, I'm not a doctor and I have no answers this is about my own observation of what I'm learning after doing a few day's of research. This is a rant born out of frustration after doing that research

Trying to understand why after years of research. That many of the research study findings said it proved, this may or might be a factor in why people get M.S. Maybe I'm just not smart enough or am I so dumb, that it's all going over my head God I hope not!  Okay isn't the reason for doing a research study to prove that a statement is fact! This where I get lost, when I read may or might be a factor wouldn't that make the findings inconclusive! So the findings have proved what we already know the environment is a factor in M.S.

Now about M.S. drug's that starts out with.We are not sure how or why this works. However it did seem to help 70% of the people in our research control study group, what is not said is the part how many dropped out of study or the + or - % margin of error, In very small print about the long term results the projected figures are +/-10 to 15%  52% many of the studies are  run by the drug company that will produce it  and profit from the sale of it. No it's not a cure, lets not forget there's very little money to be made in finding a cure, when much more can be made by looking for one. Two days of wasting my time was a bit upsetting, learning that making money is more important then... Sorry I just can't finish that statement.

Yes some research that's done is honest and truthful I know. It just seems to be more about the money than the well being of the patient.
  

Reflection # 24 It's odd, but really not so much.

It's odd, but really not so much

By Mary K. Mennenga

That the same Mother raised, my brother's and me

We each had a unique, independent, relationship with her

She raised us to be: independent, unique, individuals

We are that for sure! We do share a few similarities

One look at us will leave no doubt we are her children

In the words we say what we do and the way we treat others

It's easy to see how much we love her
Being raised to be independent our similarities do end

Each of us see, react and deal with life differently
She didn't raise us to be like her or anyone else
She didn't give each of us all the same tools
Rarely did she give us the answer for a question
Instead she gave us the tools to find our own answers
The answers she gave seemed to come with more questions  
By giving each one the tools she felt we needed
So we could be who we were meant to be
Her peals of wisdom were just that
We don't talk or get to together often
Much of what we did do was because we loved her
We are who she raised us to be
Independent and self-sufficient
She was proud of us
For staying true to ourselves
And for finding our own path to happiness
I was and will always be my Mom's baby girl
One day I hope to be known's as my Brother's Sister  

WBGT* Wet Bulb Globe Temperature Index

Started writting this on 6-24-2011

Thursday and Friday were hot with a heat index of 107 degrees, I know for some folks that maybe a normal high for where they live. Minnesota is known more for our cold and snow and after last winter with temperature well below zero for weeks at a time and that doesn't including the windchill factor. With the heat index that high I stayed inside with the A/C set at 78 degree's needless to say I didn't venture out at all. So I started thinking back to the best mistake I've made so far.

It was back in July of 1980 I had just graduated from High School and was waiting to hear about a full scholarship I was the first alternate on. The scholarship included paid on the job training, all classes as well as housing for up to 4 years to become a Forest Ranger, I had already meet all the requirements having worked for the Youth Conservation Corps in 1979 for six weeks and had passed the skill tests on conservation and plant identification, the only tests in my life I had or have gotten every answer a 100% right and  had been recommended by 2 crew leaders as well as the director and one of the ranger's that supervised work we had done. The last was a essay in at least 500 word on why I thought I would make a good Forest ranger. I knew the first six month's of the training would be in Washington State at a fire station and that my only human contact would more than likely be with the two trainers, after living through high school it sounded like haven to me anyway. So I didn't think for one minute that the person who got it would ever turn to down. I didn't want just a  job to pay the bills, I wanted a job I could be proud of having doing... Hell! I wanted the chance to become a Forest Ranger! Thinking I had no direction feeling lost and at my lowest point. The phone rang it was an Army recruiter long  story short,  I joined the U.S. Army serving the county. Now this fixed two problems I had at the same time. Now I had a job and a direction I could be proud of. Three weeks into my basic training, I called my mother that's when she told me the scholarship people had called, to let me know the scholarship was mine if I still wanted it. She let them know I had joined the Army. It was one of many paths I've not taken, I didn't and still don't regret my decision. Because it was the best choice I thought I had at the time I made it. At that time the only other choice I was told and believed I had was to find a job working for minimum wage for the rest of my life. Everything worked out the way it should. Learning a lesson that's still true today. Not everything I am told is the truth, when it come to that I capable of accomplishing and at times that also includes me! 

In less then 24 hours I was on a plane going to Basic training. When I got to Fort Jackson in South Carolina the Army used WBGT* index category for work and rest and being from Minnesota I'm very glad they did, it worked fairly will I only had heat exhaustion four or five times. So since I couldn't to much I decided to fix it so next year when it starts to get hot I'll have a guideline for next year, instead of relearning my lesson over again next year.

This is globe standard:                                                  My M.S
Category          Temperature           work / rest         work/rest
                1            78-81.9                     40  /  20              30/30 
(green)  2            82-84.9                    30  /  30              20/40
(yellow)3             85-87.9                    30  /  30              10/50
(red)     4             88-89.9                    20  /  40               5/55
(black) 5               > 90                         10  /  50               0/60

For each hour of work using this chart decrease work by 10 minutes and increase rest by 20 minutes, anything after 4 hours increase rest by one hour.

Oh my what a week!

Now that the sun has come out and the rain has stopped, maybe now my little garden will really start growing, I have cucumbers, green beans and two kinds of tomatoes. Bell peppers I've planted three so some will be green, yellow and red. The herbs have loved this cool wet weather and are doing great, I've already been harvesting and if they keep this up I'll need to thin them out quite a bit. Some I'll move into the house for the winter, I just love having fresh herb's to cook with in winter, I've also been thinking I may want to make herb bag's for the winter season.  This year I may have gone over board with the herb's just a bit, okay more then likely way too much. Growing all my herb's in pots, they do like to spread out and for balance I enjoy having some lawn in the yard, to sit out and look at the garden. The herbs I have are: sage, rosemary and thyme and no because of the song. Three kinds of mint spearmint, chocolate and English.  As well as sweet and purple basil, Italian oregano, tarragon and marjoram yep that's it.

My neighbors tell me my yard smells good enough to eat. Living inside of the city it does stink from  all the pollution, it's the reason I don't hang my wash out on the line to dry, the smell alone makes me nauseous, having that pollution next in my skin now somebody tell me how that can be good. Just because something smells good does not make it clean. Sorry I didn't mean to go off on a tangent like that.

Oh well now lets go back to the garden. Last year I thought  I had killed all of my hosta for sure! Of course I was wrong yet again for they are the bigger then they have ever been. The weather has been  perfect cool and wet, now all I need is sunshine and just enough heat to have a good crop, hopefully better then last year at the very least.

To one and to all, my is hope as we celebrate summer we  remember to take to time out to just smell the flowers. To not hold back the joy of learning some new. Spending time with the people you love and taking the time to share with the people who love you.