Having dealt with my past, still hurts when it's in the News.

Having spent just over 19 years in Army, of which I am proud and honored to serve as a soldier. Going in right after High school in 1980 until 1999, when I could no longer pass P.T. test, did not know the reason why until 2001 when I learned I have multiple sclerosis.

Most of my time in the Army was good. In basic training, my limits were tested every day, doing so many things I had never thought I could or would do. The confidence I gained in my abilities to face the challenges of being a soldier in U.S. Army. At the end I've put some of the fun parts of being in the Army.
All the news of past few weeks has brought up some old hurts that are now a part of my life history. Rape in the military has been a problem for women, because for the few men that feel it’s the woman fault or she was asking for it, she was drunk. God help you if you are foolish enough to report, one of the first things I learned if you want to continue in the military, say nothing even if asked, every woman I know who did had little choice and got out soon after. For me it wasn't the first time however it was the last. Having two older brothers I knew how to fight, then I needed to learn how to fight dirty and make sure to leave a mark. Pride is a flaw in most military men, so getting your ass-kicked by a woman isn't anything their willing to share. In my own way, I took my power back the last attempted rape two men tried ended badly for them and was a powerful moment for me. Took the car parked it at the post main gate, gave the MP my information, just in case the two needed it. A few weeks later that MP stopped me as I was leaving post, he asked me “how well I knew them and if I knew what happened to them?” my answer “not well and I haven't heard from them.” He told me they both ended up in the hospital and one will never stand up to pee and other will never be able to father children, I told him sorry to hear that (not sorry at all!!) asked him if I was free to go? He said, “Sure I just thought you might have wanted to know.” It may not be right to feel good about what I did, knowing that one can never do what he tried to do and the other may think twice about doing to anyone again feels good.

Learning how to use a weapon, the Army frowns on calling an M16A1 rifle a gun because, every weapon we trained on was training to defend our country and ourselves by killing the people trying to kill us. In basic training when a Drill Instructor heard anyone calling a weapon a gun, you could hear the person repeating. THIS IS MY WEAPON holding it out in front of them, THIS IS MY GUN holding over their head, THIS IS FOR FIGHTING out in front, THIS IS FOR FUN over the head, the longest I heard someone doing this was 25 minutes.
Once on the firing line using live ammo training we were in a foxhole, the woman in the next foxhole. Was turning to ask the instructor behind us a question, with her weapon and her finger on the trigger and it was pointed right at me, I ducked down heard the shot hit the sand bag just above my head. The next thing I remember was she was out of her foxhole and I was standing over her and shaking her hard, then heard yelling and something kept hitting my helmet, I let her go and looked up at my drill instructor his face was so red! Then I remembered and told him “she almost killed ME! Look at the hole in the sandbag” he said “yes Mary I see it went all the way through, good thing you ducked when you did.” Later that day I was told that I had jumped out of my foxhole so fast, pulled her out hers, and started shaking her before my drill instructor got there. Still don't remember getting out of my foxhole only remember what I had been told. My shot for record was 39 out of 40 targets
In the 101st at Fort Campbell, we took R.O.T.C. for rides in UH 60 Blackhawk helicopters. First they got a tour of the hanger by a pilot who told them, if they wanted some pop to go ahead and have one, since I gave the tour to women I told them not to drink anything and our last stop was the bathroom. Having flew more than a few of these flights I knew, the pilots wanted to shake them up by doing some ground level flying. The pilots for fun had me get into a flight suit and helmet (can't tell if it’s man or a woman) no matter what a few of these boy’s lost control, at landing I jumped out for the power down. Was told to take off my helmet and let my hair fly, let them know you're a woman poor boy’s trying to hide that they wet themselves. Now when the men (boys) had first came in all talking how easy it would be to be pilots, yes that flight did knock them down a peg or two. All the women came down dry and yes, the women gave the boys a hard time all the way home.

Two of my favorite things History and research.

History is one of my favorite things to research because, I love learning things I didn't know. Being able to do it at home on the internet is nice, since getting out is more challenging then it used to be. What I found that I didn't know is, over time small changes were made or added to many things I didn't think or know they could be changed. Until I learned the history of the changes made and why did I understand. Why The Pledge of Allegiance, became a first Amendment issue for many people, here is a brief history of it.
The Pledge of Allegiance was written in August 1892 by the socialist minister Francis Bellamy (1855-1931). It was originally published in The Youth's Companion on September 8, 1892. Bellamy had hoped that the pledge would be used by citizens in any country.
In its original form it read: "I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
In 1923, the words, "the Flag of the United States of America" were added. At this time it read:
"I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
In 1954, in response to the Communist threat of the times, President Eisenhower encouraged Congress to add the words "under God," creating the 31-word pledge we say today. Bellamy's daughter objected to this alteration.
Today it reads:
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Today many people in the United States want the Pledge of Allegiance put back into the public school system. Since times have changed, as it always does, we are now as we began, a mix of many faiths and wanting to keep this country true to it's founding including all people within this Nation, I agree it should go back into the public school. Without the last two words that were added in 1954.

Have we all forgotten the main reason our fore fathers came here,  it was for religious freedom. Being men of great faith in God, with little faith in the history of mankind acting on God behalf. I do believe God has a place in the hearts and minds of people. However religion has no place in government for freedom of all it's people and why it also needed, The bill of right’s. The history of governments that made religion the center point or corner stone of it government. The first thing lost is the freedom of the individual. That proof  is now being seen in the congress and in some state's by passing person hood bills, that removes the Right's of a woman over her own body and life. Sorry being a woman it seems very wrong to me. It opens a door to making rape an okay thing for men to do. We are better than this aren't we?

The way a country treats the least of it's people, will show the greatness of the Nation. It's not about government it's about all of the people within it!
                                                                                                                                                                                               When people are quoting The amendments of the Bill of Right's to make a point. Would very much like it if people would use the Amendment as it is written not only the part of it they feel supports them the best.
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

I'm guessing that, A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, doesn't sound as good as the last part. Using only half of a sentence in attempting of proving a point, is pointless.

Just saying...Right or wrong this is how I see.

Feel free to comment, please don't be rude. Thank you:-)

My Birthday and seeing Gettysburg

Turning 50 wasn't hard it's only a measurement of time, being a mile stone Birthday and the first one my Mom and I wouldn't be chatting for hours on the phone about everything, mostly about Birthday's hers and her  Mom's, and the ones from when we were kids with all the cousin's most of us kids were born in either November and or around May, so we had a big party each summer, because I was so young don't remember much, seeing the pictures with all of us kids in the back yard of "2932" sharing  her memories of the many party's in the backyard, and telling me her reason why at forty five she colored her hair gray. What she told everyone was a woman should have their hair colored at least once! Her other reason for wanting it done was  because her Mom passed away before she had one gray hair and she thought her Mom would have looked good with gray hair. How we laughed at how gray her hair had getting over the years, with only a very few dark ones left and so much gray hair. Back when I took her to get her hair she told the hairdresser "I told them to only cut the grays one. She had always called my brothers and I on our birthday's to sing happy birthday to us. For the last few years of her life I would let the answering machine take that call and wait to pickup until after she was done singing so I could listen to it over again. Knowing soon a birthday was coming when I wouldn't receive a call from her. This being the first mile stone birthday I didn't want to be home waiting for a call, I knew wouldn't come. 


We started planning this visit to Jane's sister Char shorty after we got back from Florida last year  got the plane tickets in January. Long before we went to Las Vegas thankfully not everything stays in Vegas so what we came home with became the spending money for this trip. Most of it was spent at the gift shop at Gettysburg, the money spent there goes to help with the up keep of Gettysburg so we got some cool stuff and helped keep Gettysburg the way it is. 

Gettysburg 

Having only seen it in painting's in both the north and south some had more blue or gray depending on what side of the line it was on. Seeing it in person was amazing the battle field is much bigger then any painting showed. Having serviced in the Army knowing and learning about this battle, it was nice seeing it as a peaceful resting place for so many from both sides.    

Devils den 

The battle field is so big! Learned during the battle, people would go out and have a picnic lunch and watch the battle. Some of the monuments in this photo are up to ten miles away. Knowing this place through it's history is something. After seeing it and the pain it caused to both sides and as a nation. That as a people we are still having trouble with the equality issue, maybe it's the wording of it or that the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that a Corporation has the same rights as a person. What is it that makes it's okay to withhold rights to any person or group of people. 

Loved the view from here, 

I could just see the Mountain's

in all but one of the photo's

from Gettysburg 

The trip has help reinforced what I believe.

There are somethings worth dying for,

but few are worth killing for.

It's a trip I'll never forget.

Just thinking of time and age

On Tuesday I had a very bad day. Most of  the time I'm able to brush it off and stop my private little pity party, before it gets started. M.S. did play a roll into why it was happening, as did facing some old memories from my past. Life is trial and error at first I was wrong a lot however it was my best option at the time. My past has shaped who I am today, because or in spite of the choices I had to make, a long with what happened to me that I had no control of. Facing the fact, the things that happened changed me, I'll get to those in a bit. Because I had made choices to keep myself safe from getting or being hurt.


First I got sober, had stopped main lining(shooting up) 2 years before going into treatment for alcohol and drug additions, since I was young I had always been thin, no one knew I thought I was a fat sow, and suffered from Anorexia Neuroses (starvation) being 5'6" and 1/2 feet tall weight at my least 85 pounds and the most was 125 pounds. When I went into treatment I weighted 110 lbs. Yes I was trying to kill myself the treatment center Doctor's said if I lost one pound my treatment would end because my blood levels were so low the two things that helped to keep weight down were the drugs and alcohol, without them I had no choice but to eat real food the first week was hell. Each passing week it got easier, to eat real food knowing when I got out I would lose the extra tonnage in less then three days and I did in two days.


Had I known that treatment was the easy part, after 30 day's I was back in the real world and now I needed to deal with the reasons why I couldn't face life without being buzzed. so much this part was much harder and costing more then my drugs and alcohol took over three years of paying $65. dollars per hour to deal with the reasons why I was trying to kill myself. Sometime at times I saw my therapist 3 or 4 times a week. Without her don't know where I would be today. Dealing with having been raped at 13 years old, one person knocked me down so many times emotionally that, I truly felt that I was worthless, and that it was my fault my Mom and Dad got divorced. Being gang rapped while in the army, now the next time two men tried to rape me. I beat the crap out of them and left them laying in a heap on the road. Leaving the car at the main gate with the MP's and all my information found out later they had been beating so badly the same body part would never work the same again, no need to worry about them trying rape any one again. No I will not be a victim again! My Mom watched me change and grow into what she had hopped I would become a strong, independent woman capable of handling what ever life tossed in my way.


Over the years I have lost friendships it does not matter why or if we just let each other go. At first I thought I did something wrong time as taught me other wise, a few I tried to reconnect with them but we are now so different from each other there is I guess no middle ground could be found. A year after I got out of treatment within 30 day's I loss 6 good friends, two took their own life, these were the hardest I had seen and talked to both of them not long before, I had no clue even after going over the conversions in my mind just couldn't see or understand why, two died in car accidents and two of health problems, all under the age of 30. Went to each visitation and four funerals.After losing my friends, for a long time I kept all my friendships at arms length. 


I think that's why I had such a bad Tuesday I've been thinking about them lately. Each one was my friend but they weren't friends with each, odd to remember that maybe because I did  different things with each of them. 
Going to be turning 50 in May, guess I'm looking through my life and seeing all the joy and fun that my friendships have brought me over the years, I miss them and wonder what they would think of who I am today.

Feeling much better now, guess I just needed to write it down.