It is what it is, until it isn't what it once was.

# 48 Reflections Sharing the depth of love

2012-03-05T19:42:00.000-06:00

Sharing the depth of love

By Mary K. Mennenga

Is it a form of misguided guilt to gain what is wanted?

If so can anyone be sure if it’s love or guilt?

A question only answered by time and heart

Walking away maybe easier if done now instead of later

To remove the threat of anyone knowing

I’m already hurting

Instead of letting

My actions speak the words for me

I love you is strong enough to stand on its own

When a heart is entwined within the words

The risk is worth everything

For the chance to hear

Those 3 little word repeated back to me

Now have a new man of the house!

2012-02-28T17:51:00.000-06:00

I'd like you all to met Ben!

Ben was rescued by The Animal Humane Society.

Ben was seized because of cruelty and neglect near Brainerd, Minnesota. in January he was one of 220 dog's that were kept in two trailers each had 110 dogs in them trailer. Jane had seen him on the adoption web site. So I took a look he was scared, thin looked like he was about ready to drop dead from fright. Playing it real cool told Jane we could go take a look, if she really wanted too! Then I got that knowing look, as she asked do you think I should bring a leash? You know just in case! Jane knew that I had fallen in love him just as she had done. He needed us hopefully as much as we needed him before we left we both knew we would be coming home with us if he wanted that to. Ben warmed up to us but had little energy being so thin, nervous and him jumping at everything.

Every noise he reacted as if it hurt him.

Now he's starting to settle in, it's been a long day!

After a good nights sleep hes ready to check out his new home.

Got to get this Man his own bowl!

So far Ben has learned how to walk up and down the stairs. That no one here will hurt him. That he'll get feed every day, he'll go outside and be let back in, get to go for walks so he can build up muscles. When a hand comes towards him it will not hit him, only to pet and love him.

What I remember is

Love and understanding

Is something when giving

Always comes back

Sooner or later.

Just thinking of time and age

2012-02-23T18:52:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday I had a very bad day. Most of the time I'm able to brush it off and stop my private little pity party, before it gets started. M.S. did play a roll into why it was happening, as did facing some old memories from my past. Life is trial and error at first I was wrong a lot however it was my best option at the time. My past has shaped who I am today, because or in spite of the choices I had to make, a long with what happened to me that I had no control of. Facing the fact, the things that happened changed me, I'll get to those in a bit. Because I had made choices to keep myself safe from getting or being hurt.

First I got sober, had stopped main lining(shooting up) 2 years before going into treatment for alcohol and drug additions, since I was young I had always been thin, no one knew I thought I was a fat sow, and suffered from Anorexia Neuroses (starvation) being 5'6" and 1/2 feet tall weight at my least 85 pounds and the most was 125 pounds. When I went into treatment I weighted 110 lbs. Yes I was trying to kill myself the treatment center Doctor's said if I lost one pound my treatment would end because my blood levels were so low the two things that helped to keep weight down were the drugs and alcohol, without them I had no choice but to eat real food the first week was hell. Each passing week it got easier, to eat real food knowing when I got out I would lose the extra tonnage in less then three days and I did in two days.

Had I known that treatment was the easy part, after 30 day's I was back in the real world and now I needed to deal with the reasons why I couldn't face life without being buzzed. so much this part was much harder and costing more then my drugs and alcohol took over three years of paying $65. dollars per hour to deal with the reasons why I was trying to kill myself. Sometime at times I saw my therapist 3 or 4 times a week. Without her don't know where I would be today. Dealing with having been raped at 13 years old, one person knocked me down so many times emotionally that, I truly felt that I was worthless, and that it was my fault my Mom and Dad got divorced. Being gang rapped while in the army, now the next time two men tried to rape me. I beat the crap out of them and left them laying in a heap on the road. Leaving the car at the main gate with the MP's and all my information found out later they had been beating so badly the same body part would never work the same again, no need to worry about them trying rape any one again. No I will not be a victim again! My Mom watched me change and grow into what she had hopped I would become a strong, independent woman capable of handling what ever life tossed in my way.

Over the years I have lost friendships it does not matter why or if we just let each other go. At first I thought I did something wrong time as taught me other wise, a few I tried to reconnect with them but we are now so different from each other there is I guess no middle ground could be found. A year after I got out of treatment within 30 day's I loss 6 good friends, two took their own life, these were the hardest I had seen and talked to both of them not long before, I had no clue even after going over the conversions in my mind just couldn't see or understand why, two died in car accidents and two of health problems, all under the age of 30. Went to each visitation and four funerals.After losing my friends, for a long time I kept all my friendships at arms length.

I think that's why I had such a bad Tuesday I've been thinking about them lately. Each one was my friend but they weren't friends with each, odd to remember that maybe because I did different things with each of them.
Going to be turning 50 in May, guess I'm looking through my life and seeing all the joy and fun that my friendships have brought me over the years, I miss them and wonder what they would think of who I am today.

Feeling much better now, guess I just needed to write it down.

# 47 To pitch or keep

2012-02-21T07:12:00.000-06:00

To pitch or keep

By Mary K. Mennenga

Sounds simple but it’s not

Tending to attach feelings to things

Makes it harder to let go

The usefulness is long gone

The memories attached are strong

Fear without it the memories will fade

Memories etch themselves on the heart

Always there waiting

When needed the most

Las Vegas

2012-02-17T18:31:00.000-06:00

Was a great time! Now taking time to recover from all the fun. Stayed at the Golden Nugget on Fremont Street very nice place.

Each night Fremont Street puts on a light show at the top of the hour until one am. Very nice but very loud. Every show was different we didn't see the same show twice however we didn't see every show.

It was cold for Las Vegas, not as cold as Minneapolis, MN. worked just right for me. Did too much walking the first day, we decided to stay on Fremont Street there is a shopping mall at one end of the street so we spent one day there it was fun, everywhere was something new to see. Jane did her people watching as I window shopped worked great for us both. It was never dull, something was happening all the time there.

Had people asking about my walker saying how much their Mother or Father would love something like it. A few asked why I didn't use a standard walker they weren't rude about it or anything like that, they had never seen anything like my walker before. Letting them know that because M.S. had weaken the muscles in my wrist's, my arms still work so I didn't need a wheelchair, just something in between so I use this ( I'd move around a bit so they could see how it works) and ask, "Works great don't you think?" I've always gotten a positive response back. It's a gain for everyone involved in the exchange, they gain new information and understanding, I gain the joy of teaching someone something they didn't know before, that's a win win for everybody if you ask me!

The last full day we didn't do much walking around outside the Golden Nugget, I needed to rest a lot more, we sat by the pool these are pictures of the shark tank . The first one is of a tropical fish tank.

The tube is a water slide through the tank

Not so sure who's watching who
in this one!!
Date stamps are all wrong.

M.S. has taken much

2012-02-09T17:39:00.000-06:00

That's true enough and we may lose it faster than most, or it tries to kill our spirit one ability at a time. For many folks time and living life bring changes of ability and capability, slowly at first barely noticeable really but picking up speed as the years go by. For some it's an accident that changes everything in one small moment in time. Does it mean any of the folks above should stop living each day as we did before? Doing all we can by making do with what we've got to work with? Getting caught up in regret is easy with all of our, could should and would haves from the past remind us of what we didn't do, instead of what we did do and why! Thinking of all the mistakes we had made. Now if you have read any of my posts before this one you may already know what coming next. Those mistakes were made the person you were back then, not by the person are today. You’re not that person anymore it's the reason why you're now able see it as a mistake! Okay maybe I'm wrong, I am wrong a lot and have been told that more times then I care to count. Getting caught up in the past, takes us away from living in the here and now, but we can regret that later! What the future holds is still unknown. If you want to look back go back 20 or 40 years, if you’re like me you were alive back then, the tools that we have today weren't even science-fiction back then. If history as taught us anything, it's any one thing can change the world we will be living in.

M.S. has taken away many of the things, I loved doing like fishing, long slow walks in the woods, sleeping more than 4 hours at a time and going shopping all day, to name a few. So now I've found new and different things I love doing as much if not more like looking out my window to the world, still being able to hear the birds and squirrels, over the entire city noisy. Without having m.s. I never would have learning that woodpeckers that eat at the bird feeder will take seeds and put them in the bark of a tree and come back later to eat them. The walks in the woods are shorter so I listen closer it's all still there, now I may not see them all I do remember what the bird and animals looks like, so I can match the sound with the picture in my mind. Realizing when putting all the sounds the birds and animals are making. It's a wonderful song written by nature. The best part is it's never the same making each time it's heard the first, so for me it never gets old.

Watching as my mother and her sisters were growing older, seeing time taking their ability and capability away with the years. What I remember the most is the grace, in which they took each lost they faced, there was a bit of moaning and groaning more or less the same as we do now. None seemed to regret or lament about the past. Even as the end was so near, each one talked of what fun they had over the years the things they had done but not what they hadn't done.

Time taking it's toll on everyone!

2012-02-06T14:09:00.001-06:00

NO SHIT!!

Having M.S. has not helped at all, from bowel to vision it’s been a trial and error. That’s still ongoing not likely to stop any time soon. It’s not all bad, it will surprise me with a short rest bit that never seems to last long enough, however I’ll take what I can get.

Now for the reason for this post Jane and I are going on a vacation very soon. We had painted the living room a few weeks ago, Jane has been telling me, we need to get the dining room done soon or they won’t match! Unlike me Jane is a worrier and has been long before we met. The older the habit is the harder it is to change and I have tried and failed. Knowing this and Jane too well after 17 years she would be thinking (worrying) about it when we are supposed to be having fun.

Well I got us started painting on Thursday and we finished up late last night, after the super bowl was over. The team with the least amount of mistakes won, enjoyed it very much. We did a good job on the painting and I’ll have the time needed to recover, before we go on vacation.

We are both feeling the effects of doing this today. The satisfaction of doing it and seeing how much better it looks, is helping. However I keep finding myself thinking back, when it took only two days and further back it would have taken a day, remembering even further back when my Mom and I had painted the living and dining room, hallway and up the stairs in two days. Realizing it’s not just M.S. that’s slowed me down, living has played a major part in that as well. The memories from then to now are happy ones of team work and pride in a job well done. Then as now it was fun, going from start to finish, the conversations and range of topics hasn’t changed much covering everything, including all the memories made of doing this over the years. Asking myself the same question each time, was it worth the price I’m paying now for doing this? Yes it sure is, for had I not done this, those memories may have stayed locked away until who know when. They were all worth any price to remember them again and now I’m able to add another one.

What did Jane talk about this morning besides how sore she was! She said; "When we get back, from vacation maybe we should paint the bathroom?" I think I’ll let her answer that one after she comes home from work tonight. LOL

# 46 Reflection It's happening now

2012-02-02T07:38:00.000-06:00

It’s happening now

By Mary K. Mennenga

Your mind is processing what’s happening

Around and to you the affects it will

Have on you are yet unknown

You can’t stop it

No matter how you try

For it is ruled by time

Life is happening everywhere

Take all of it in

For this moment in time

Will not come again

So make the most of it

Once it’s gone you’ll have missed

The chance of giving yourself guide posts

To see how far you’ve come

Helping steer your course

To get where you need to be

# 45 of Reflections Love Lost Hate forever

2012-01-30T11:01:00.000-06:00

Love Lost Hate

Forever

By Mary K. Mennenga

Love is something you can’t…

…Hide, steal or forget

Love when it’s shared

Can never be lost

It remains always

The basics are

Hate and Love

Love will always overcome Hate

It’s why

Forever

Is more than a word

It’s a place within your heart

# 44 of Reflections abilities,capabilities

2012-01-27T13:40:00.000-06:00

Abilities, capabilities and choices!

By Mary K. Mennenga

Every person’s abilities and capabilities are different

To stand in judgment of others and or their choices

What qualities are required?

Everyone does the best they can with what they’ve got

No matter what we may think or believe

If standing in judgment of someone

The risk is having someone stand in judgment of us

The choices people make may not be the ones

We would have made

However the choices were not ours to make!

As for me, I will judge only myself

At the end of my life, I will stand

Before the one with the qualities, required

To judge me

Until then I’ll do the best I can with what I’ve got

# 43 Reflections Friends.

2012-01-25T19:01:00.000-06:00

Caring and loving the people in my life does not change, because I see them less or more or even not at all. It’s the relationship that mattered most, not the things we did or didn’t do. What’s important to me may not have meant the same to you. Thank goodness we are not the same, wouldn’t have been so much fun, had I not looked at things from your point of view. As each person passes through our life some only once other coming and going throughout the span of time. Life is fluid like a river going on its way changes and choices made will put a bend here and there, in places it will be wide in others narrow too, flowing fast and slow also. As it takes a lifetime to finally reach the loving depth of the sea.

By Mary K. Mennenga

# 42 Honesty - Dishonesty

2012-01-25T12:20:00.001-06:00

Honesty-Dishonesty

By Mary K. Mennenga

Relationships a matter of trust and faith

Being honest

Lie to yourself that’s fine

When perpetuating that lie

Passing it on as truth

The harm it’s capable of

When becoming aware

Of a deception

Achieves one thing

Unworthy of honesty

Was it pity and or lies?

A question never asked

Harm it did cause

Wasn’t the intent, but is the result

Of dishonesty

This is not a typical type of my reflection I've posted here before. However it's a reflection of not one loss but of many, that have come from living with m.s. Being guilty of lying to myself out of pride and foolishness from time to time, and those little white lies that are told to spare one's feelings, because it may hurt them and harm a friendship.

A new view from my window to the world.

2012-01-20T12:56:00.000-06:00

This winter I’m getting a larger variety of birds, at the bird feeders outside my window to the world. Until this winter it’s mostly been a variety of Swallows, Sparrows with only a few House Finch and Wren. This year now includes a larger variety of birds getting more of the wary, timid and nervous ones like a variety of woodpeckers, warblers, indigo bunting and more…

The most fun have been the woodpeckers, maybe it’s because I’m learning more about them, that if having seen it myself not sure I would have believed it, as a red-bellied woodpecker put a seed into a spot of the tree bark. Not once but many times going back and forth from seed cake feeder to the tree. Her mate didn’t do this he came eat his fill and left, like some not all of men I known.

Since all the new kinds of birds have come, I've been trying to get pictures of them that so far I haven’t had much luck they're such wary and nervous bird's they fly away or maybe their camera shy either way, here are the only two shots that have worked so far.

Red-bellied Woodpecker
Female

Hairy Woodpecker
Male

The squirrels on the other hand are posing for me and if the seed cake feeders are empty they sit on top making noise letting me know it! As for cleaning up the ground when the birds and squirrels are gone one crow comes by and takes care of that. Haven’t seen a hawk for a while, however have seen the unmistakable evidence that it’s been by for a snack.

Now these two are on different feeders, all three are from the last litter of squirrels born in the first part of October. Really didn't think these little guys' would make it. Thank goodness for a very mild winter and my feeding them, all have a nice layer of fat to keep them warm

They each have their own personality and still chase each other around the tree. The birds and squirrels put on a pretty good show, on the corner there is a movie theater and people will stop and watch I've heard some of the children ask if they can pet the squirrels a few parents, said sure if they'll let you! First step on the grass and away they all go squirrels up the tree and birds fly to the roof. It's all just good fun for everyone.

Have been told that I shouldn't feed the squirrels! I tell them why not do you want the hawk's to eat your cat? The squirrel population is well controlled, by the hawk's that winter here. In spring when the eagles and hawk's start moving north it's all as it should be in the end. So we end up with more eagle's and hawk's then squirrel's.

So all is right with my little spot in the world.

# 41 Questions don't mean answers

2012-01-19T15:21:00.000-06:00

Questions don’t mean answers

By Mary K Mennenga

Learning happens when asking a question

Answered or not you’ll gain information

What you do and how you interpret the information

May cause questioning of choices made or not

Reinforcing your point of view or not

It will give you options to consider

To become the person you want to be

Change is hard but a necessity for growth

Without growth nothing changes

Living without growing or learning is uninteresting

Taking the risks to finding your true potential

Depends if you’re willing to ask the questions only you can answer

# 40 of Reflections Honey

2012-01-18T11:40:00.000-06:00

Honey

By Mary K. Mennenga

My wonderful joyful distraction

From all the worries the world brings my way

Your ability to make even my darkest of days

Seem bright and calm

I’m able to shed my cloak of dread and hopelessness

In your eyes I’ve seen only love and faithfulness

And a level of acceptance I’ve rarely known

Through all the trails and difficulties

Life brings my way

The love you’ve shown me has taught me

No matter how big a problem looks or feels

It’s never as big as I think or as important

# 39 reflections If I had the ability to read minds

2012-01-15T07:41:00.001-06:00

If I had the ability to read minds

I'd have no need to ask why or doubt

That the truth has been told

All questions would have answerers

I can’t so

Questions remain unanswered

Why did all communication just stop?

Was it something I did or didn’t do?

What I will do is

To understand it’s not about

Me it’s about you

Many times I’ve forgotten this

I'll trust you to take care of you

And be here if you need me

By Mary K. Mennenga

Why I titled my blog this way

2012-01-13T17:09:00.000-06:00

Wanting the title to have some flexibility. Because I've found life is fluid it changes in some spots it moves so fast, in others it's like standing still. Wanting my blog to grow and change a long with me. More importantly by remaining open, to all the possibility life has yet in store for me.

So that is why it's titled:

It is what it is, until it isn't what it once was.

Seeing that; I'm not the person I used to be nor am I the person I will be. Change is always happening and each day is a new day. Every choice made is a change that's been chosen.

Here I go again with the weather!

2012-01-10T16:53:00.000-06:00

To say it's been a mild winter here so far would be a HUGE understatement. Having April temps in January above average by 10 degree or more for 20 days in a roll. Being able to get out and about every weekend, without all the hassle of dealing with snow and the cold, has really been grand. The weather folks are saying it going to change, can't say I'm not glad to hear it, tired of needing to water the trees. Don't mind the low heating bills and seeing my neighbors walking their dogs in short sleeves shirts it's 49 degrees today. Yes it is going to end it always does waking up to 16 degrees on Thursday will be a bit of a shock even if that's normal for this time of year. Everyone will get back into the layers and layers to keep warm and all I'll see are their eyes in the bundles they've tucked themselves into. Having missed hearing from the bundles as they are about to get that last piece on, out comes a groan as they start pulling off each layer faster and faster asking them calmly what's wrong it's always pretty the same "Oh (any four letter word will do) NOW I'VE GOT TO PEE!! It's the one for me that never gets old, a time or two I've been knew to run the water a bit longer then needed when grabbing a glass of water. One of the many little things that my Mother taught me. But when she did it there were 5 to 10 kids with only one bathroom and it was up stairs.

# 38 reflections Win Win

2012-01-09T14:54:00.000-06:00

Win Win

By Mary K. Mennenga

For some winning is the only goal

For others it isn't about winning or losing
It's about doing their best win or lose
Knowing their best was given that day
With a willingness to learn
That tomorrow is
Another chance to run the race
Of living life by
Giving it your best every day
Add all the days together
Win or lose
Making your life one
That is truly being lived

# 36 and #37 Reflections of 1980

2012-01-05T14:31:00.000-06:00

June 1980

By Mary K. Mennenga

If you set your mind to anything

You can do it or it will never happen

That's all up to you

Anything you do must first be learned

Some times doing without feeling

When you feel like praying it's easy

When you don't it's hard to start

But when you make the move to start

You know that's what you needed

Knowing what you need

Is the first step in learning

How to take care of you

This is #37 from the same year. As I read it now I'm not so sure, that parts of it didn't come from something I had read. So I'm unwilling to say that I wrote this.

One Man?

By Unsure

When your looking for something you need

But you just can't seem to find it don't lose hope

Be steadfast continue your searching

One Man

Once looked for love but was hated

He was fair and kind

But he was judged for sins he didn't commit

and lies he never told

For these he was an Innocent Man

But was put to death

With his death

He gave us each a gift

Of grace and all we need is faith

This is what one man did

To give us a choice

2011

2012-01-03T18:58:00.000-06:00

2011 has come to an end indeed. I've gained more then I've lost in different ways. That's how I view it as a whole it was a okay year, learned many lessons that I really should have learned a long time ago, back when they first happened the first time so many years ago. Hind sight is always 20/20, yes I do say that a lot, as a reminder to me not to be so hard on myself, because I'm not the same person I was. If I were, wouldn't be calling them lesson's learned. Viewing the high's and the low's of the past year, I find the view better when I look at it from my heart. Change happens no need to worry about the date, it's the journey and the ever changing view no matter if from the high or the low, it's where my heart is focused that counts.

# 35 Reflection Common not Capable

2011-12-29T13:38:00.000-06:00

Common not all are capable

By Mary K. Mennenga

In common:

Hopes and dreams, love and sadness, fears and joy, loss and growth.

Life is capable of teaching us many things.

If we are willing to learn compassion.

Some aren't Capable of:

Actively listening

Holding back judgment until both points of view are understood.

What was your motive for sharing this type of information with me.

I'm sure it wasn't meant to hurt me.

As for me:

Sharing my History is easy it's unable to hurt me.

Sharing feelings of pain, loss and emotions is much harder

For that is my heart

That now stays safely in my chest

Long ago I wore it on my sleeve

Learned how easily it could be bruised, crushed and nearly broken

Would have liked to have learned that lesson much sooner then I did

Oh well it all worked the way it was meant to anyway

Can't say much about weather in Minnesota.

2011-12-27T15:12:00.000-06:00

What a different a year makes, much easier to get around to do just about anything that doesn't include snow. Do I mind heck no, haven't used the snow-blower once, shoveled only 3 times. The day after Christmas we set a record high temperature of 52 degrees, considering the normal high is in the low twenty's, dewpoints are still in between the 30's and 40's, yes I've written about the weather a lot, it's kind of becoming a big deal all over the world. Now I'm not going to get into climate change debate, if folks want to keep on the rose colored glasses, there's not much I can do about that.

When we don't get the snow in the end of fall and early winter we do tend to get more in January and February so it does even it's self out for the most part. When it's this dry and warm I water the trees that get the most sun or are young, so they don't get too stressed. Need as many carbon eater as we can get here in the city, it won't replace the rain forest but every little bit helps, well it can't hurt.

It been nice getting out and about without having to deal with all that snow, shush and ice. Having not to fight so hard to keep the cold out and the heat in. Knowing many of you are needing to fight the cold and snow for the first time in many years if ever. Your houses aren't build for this kind of cold or to bear the weight of the wet snow on your roof. Don't know many up here that don't know what the R factor rating is of the insulation in their walls the roofs is. The roofs on the houses up here are built to hold up to the weight of the snow and the freezing and thawing that's caused by the sun. Not saying all this to worry any one just information to hopefully help you get through this winter. Best of luck to all who are needing to deal with for the first time.

What my brain and body did automatically

2011-12-24T08:36:00.002-06:00

This has worked for me dealing with swelling hands and feet. It may not work for everyone else but here goes anyway. The human body is meant to be in motion it's how the body detox's it self, having limited mobility, spasticity and pain makes it harder to do. Understanding I've got to work at keeping it doing what it used to do, before m.s. got in the way of my body's ability to do this without my needing to think about it all! Heck I didn't even know it did this automatically, until after I talked to my old track coach. Never heard about it from any Doctor, Neurologist and or Physically therapist. Dealing with gout learning why it seems to happen in the toes. Because the body moves harmful things as far away from the heart as it can, how dumb I'm I that's why fluid builds up in hands and feet as far away from the heart as it can get. Understanding that Mobility is so much more then moving from point A to point B. It's amazing how little I know about this shell I've lived within for over 49 years. It's capable of and does try to protect it's self from my many mistakes.

Moving on (pun intended) to communication brain to and from the body, spasticity and pain. Learning these three work together to break down muscles that adds to pain and is one of the causes of muscle weakness. For many people putting a thought into action is automatic. Most if asked couldn't tell you how they did it or what muscles were used, to do any given task, unless the muscle is or was painful or sore! For them communication is seamless, I for one don't have the ability to think and do, my brain and body doesn't work as a team any more. Messages go from the brain but because of the many scares along path caused by m.s. messages get misdirected or totally lost and or delayed. The central nervous system and spinal cord is only the delivery system when a message doesn't get out of the brain or into the right spot. What this does is hit or miss causing so many different problems, the main one for me is pain here is an example of one my hope is it help people to understand what they take for granted. Thinking of standing up from sitting sound easy okay lets follow the path of a ms scared brain sends the message oops it got misdirected, nothing is moving find another way to get up without using my knee's, lift myself up using my arms works okay get feet under me done. Now I go to take that step oops here comes that misdirected message to stand up darn it now the muscles in my knee's are trying ouch in my head I'm screaming I'M ALREADY STANDING SO STOP TRYING TO OH MY THAT HURTS!! Finally they stop it's a good thing I have knee caps. The last piece as to how this causes muscle weakness, it's when my brain sends the message to the muscle to do work, but when the muscle sends the message back to my brain what's it's done but that message gets lost so there is a disconnect between the brain and the muscle, the brain doesn't know that the muscle it's been working and is in need of an increased blood flow to remove acid that is a by product of working a muscle, then acid isn't removed fast enough it starts working to break down the muscle making it weaker. This also true with spams At first I'm so glad it stopped pulling, I want to rest but now I've got to do what my brain should have done by increasing the blood flow. How can I do that I'm not in control of my blood flow that's my Brain's job. But I do Understand that moving will cause my blood flow to increase that with movement the brain will know that to do, I have to find a way to help build a new connection.

Please remember I'm no Doctor, This is my way of trying to make sense of that m.s. is doing, to the little things the brain did before m.s. of course I didn't know anything about what the brain does automatically until after I got m.s. Just wondered how or if the little stuff was the cause of losing the big stuff? As always I still have no answers just a whole lot of questions.

As to swelling hands and feet what work for me is by increasing blood flow using movement even small ones help me.

Christmas this year here will be brown.

2011-12-16T12:23:00.000-06:00

As you may already know I talk about the weather a lot, many folks in Minnesota do. Last year we had so much snow, this year we've had more rain then snow. With above normal temperatures it's keeping the heating cost down, after the cooling season that was much higher than I've seen before, it's helping the household budget to catch up. The snow lovers here are unhappy, earlier this week we had .34 inches of rain, that would have been 3~4 inches of snow, meaning the ski resorts are ice but are again making snow, I'll admit I like snow at ski resorts more then on the roads and sidewalks makes getting from point A to B and back again much easier. Mother nature I think maybe taking some of the same drugs that I am, or maybe shes having some fun with Mr. Frost. Yes I do know it about climate change, being it's so close to Christmas just want to give a lighter spin, for a short time. Now that it's gotten colder the birds are coming back to the bird feeder again and the three baby squirrels are getting a thicker coat of fur and are filling out nicely, I'm almost sure they'll make it through the rest of the winter. As for the brown, I don't mind it's nice being able to get out this time of year. The snow will come sooner or later, it always does just taking each day as it comes.

I've been well M.S. is making NO trying to be...

2011-12-15T15:29:00.001-06:00

... A kill joy to put it nicely! Sorry I'm not given into that crap wait bull crap.
Time for a little chat with my brain yes I talk to my brain No it does not answer not so far, one of these days who knows. However it has a lot to answer for! Like why does it not listen or at least try to find a way to limit the number of times it tells a muscle to do what it never did before m.s. I don't have or take dummy pills! (some may not agree) Come on making two muscle work against each other is painful and why did it let that message get through sense less. I'll think about getting up, after I do stand up without the help of my muscles. I swear my brain waits until I'm upright and taking the first step, that's when it sends the message, yep it gets through, so the those muscles try and thankfully don't get my knee to go backward the knee cap gets in the way. Wish my brain would listen to me, I thought I gave better sense then that.

Not going to fix what wrong with this and no I'M not "NUTS" but M.S. is totally not letting me talk to my BRAIN!

#34 Of reflections One cold wind

2011-12-09T11:43:00.002-06:00

I wrote this when I was in the eighth grade

after learning how fast life can change.

One cold wind

By Mary K. Mennenga

Love is as delicate as a flower

In the fall

One cold wind

Could destroy it all

Unless

The same seed

Has taken root

In two different heart's

It will always

Be there

A Christmas Reflection

2011-12-07T13:30:00.001-06:00

Last year I didn't do the Christmas decorating thing, with my Mom gone and Jane's sister Karen so sick. Putting up a Christmas tree and all that goes with it, was too much for me to handle at the time. This year I've been making up for not doing it last year. Of course I hadn't taken into account having Primary Progressive M.S. and losing abilities that I had last year. Maybe I should ask for help but knowing if I did, I'd get all kinds of help, some in the form of doing it for me, which is taking over control, that isn't the type of help I want or need. The trouble is all my memories of doing Christmas decorating with Mom at her house, even after I had moved out. We would go to get her Christmas tree at stands that pop up after Thanksgiving or go cut one down. Her requirement was wide and not too tall. Every year we went, At the stand she always pick the one that was a bit off that no one else seemed to want. At the cut your own tree place, never did cut one down she would see a poor discarded tree that someone had already cut down then have me hold it up and give it a spin, then declare it to be her Christmas tree! Telling her the first few times how bad the flaws were, some had two trunks or shaped like an S or a C. But she would hear none of that. Saying only that it was perfect because it was going to be a Christmas tree. After we got it home I would put on her 500 lights, working to hide as many of the flaws as I could. Together we hung all of her ornaments, each had a special meaning and many had been gifts from people so dear to her. Each year after sitting down to check our work, that's when I realized she was right it truly was a perfect Christmas tree with all the love hanging on it.

My Christmas tree is up with it's 500+ lights, yes I can feel all the love coming from it and I know she's enjoying it with me.

Karen and her sisters
Char and Jane
Passed away October 4, 2011

My Mom Adele and me
October 25 1930 ~ April 13, 2010

Here is the tree that brought back so many wonderful memories of Christmas.

Thanks for reminding what Christmas is all about

Caring, Sharing and

Love

Christmas or Xmas

Either way you write it

You can't take Christ out of

CHRISTMAS or X-MAS

Both mean the exact same thing!

What is it that makes life grand.

2011-11-27T04:45:00.000-06:00

As the season of sticks is replaced by the season of white and cold.

For me it's the simple things that make living life grand, so here are few of mine; When I'm in that moment just before I begin to laugh. Listening to a story that I'm sure I know how it will end, and it turns out I was wrong. Watching as the squirrels and birds seem to work together so all get their fill. Seeing a rain fall change everything from brown to green, walking out just as it stops and hearing the ground soaking it up, some folks call it watching the grass grow. Seeing each season come and than go.

This Thanksgiving is different.

2011-11-23T02:44:00.001-06:00

For the first time in my life I don't feel it's necessary, to go anywhere for Thanksgiving. Jane and I decided we are going to stay home, it's the first time that it will be just the two us. Got all the fixings before the snow started falling. A good thing because it's really coming down, no it's not a repeat of last fall yet. It will warm up and be gone before Turkey day. The first snow fall of winter was a mix of wet heavy snow, sleet and the white fluffy stuff. It has all become ice and I'm really glad I don't drive any more!

With my physically abilities slowly slipping away, things are a bit more challenging that's all! Still not giving in or giving up that continues as always, and picking my battles very carefully. Being more cautious about where and what I'm putting my energy into. With limited resources I don't waste it, by knowing the choices I make have ramifications, that can and have stopped me dead in my tracks, taking day's or even weeks to recover from. Finding a balance isn't easy when I don't know what I'll have to work with each day.

My new normal is a loss that I'm not adjusting to very well, it started a while ago, with a high pitched ringing in my ears. Have I mention how much I loathe and despise high pitched noise, it's very distracting to the point that it's almost impossible to get and stay focused. When it drops down a few octaves its much easier to deal with, no need to worry I'll find ways of work around it. In the last few weeks I've noticed I fatigue faster and it's taking longer to recover, with these two things it's affecting my ability to communicate verbally and to write. Change isn't one of my strong suits, honestly I've never handled change well. It's the reason I call change adjustments makes me feel more in control, I prefer to face life head on with open eye's.

The adjustments I've made to lower my stress level. First I'm not going use chat on face book, the type is too small for me to see. The second is talking on the telephone, some folks will find this hard to believe because, I could and did spend hours talking on the phone mostly with Mom. When talking with other people much longer then they wanted too. I've been told this many times, "You can turn a ten minute phone call into an hour or more!" a bit like my mother. Now I don't even answer the phone because, it's so frustrating trying to listen and talk, after I hang up, trying to remember why they had called what it was all about I even started taking notes Grrrr. It's just gotten to be too much of a hassle, face to face is easier to handle but, the best way I think is to just use e-mail, this way they can respond, when they have time. So far it's working out great for me, no longer do I need to give it a second thought, if I'm bugging them or not.

The brain, body and or mind and heart?

2011-11-17T17:47:00.000-06:00

After looking at what the brain does automatically, without us needing to think about it at all. With all the data, studies and research that's been done and or are still on going. The answer's are theories and hypothesis! Researchers and scientists question each others scientific method. The most honest I've found are the few that said "this technology is in it's infancy". This hasn't been a waste of time at all, I've learned that many of the huge long words that are used is a fancy way of saying "they aren't really sure"! Here is what I have learned and witnessed myself.

So take it as you will.

The three parts that make the body work are; the Brain, central nervous system (nerves and spinal cord) and muscles including tendons, ligaments and everything else. The most important is the central nervous system. It works as the body and brain's information highway, everything goes through it and it's a two lane highway. More about that in a bit. M.S. as we know is a scaring on the nerves in the brain and on the spinal cord, we all understand it sucks. None of us would wish it on anyone!

So much is still unknown like how or why the central nervous system, continues sending signals from the brain to the muscles and the muscles keeps sending signals back to the brain. When so many seem to get lost. This is painful because the scars in the brain get in the way, of the message from the muscle saying it's done, doesn't always get through so it just keeps doing what the brain told it to do pull. Even though the other muscle's used to do what needed doing is done, those messages got through and the muscle's stopped pulling right away. Getting people who don't have m.s. to understand this rarely happens, even as they watch the tears of pain roll down my cheeks some just turn away! The few that have helped by rubbing the muscle, have told me it's a bone but when it finally stops pulling a few thought they broken something, but the look of relief on my face tells them the truth. The central nervous system keeps sending the messages back and forth giving the brain and muscle a chance to make a new connection it's not a reconnect. As long as the brain is learning it's making new connections all the time. No I'm not saying it can make anyone better, a lot of the time there is no way to repair all or any of the damage done by M.S. and to stroke victims and people with head injury. However there are some that are able to regain abilities again, in the research studies of people. That Doctors have said they will need to be in long term care for the rest of their life. Because to much of the brain has been damaged. There are many case studies of people who, can and do end up living alone. There are many theories as to how this happens, but with no smoking gun to prove anyone of them right, it seems to be hit or miss. The One theory that I think makes sense to me anyway. Is that the brain and muscles are making or finding new or different pathways of communication, by passing or working around the damage. Of course it's hard to prove this theory, partly because the people are busy living their life. To sit through all the tests Doctor's who told them they would never be capable of anything that they are doing. Don't blame them one bit, when they don't feel anything is wrong with them. Only a very few get back most of what was lost, to function as they did before but somehow they seem to find a way to enjoy what they have and continue doing the best they can with what they have to work with.

This of course is only my opinion from the research I've done, and my own experience of watching and seeing what the brain is capable of recovering from.
My Auntie Jo after her stroke while having triple by pass surgery done. The only MRI they had was the one right after her heart surgery. According to the Doctor she had lost 2/3 of brain function. She never would sit still so they could do another MRI. It took her two years of rehabilitation to be capable of living alone and for over 14 years that exactly what she did. She did her own cooking, cleaning, bathing and dressing. Later she moved out to California easier to get around no snow, most of her children had moved out there years ago. Twice a year she came back to Minnesota for the state fair in the summer and in February to go with her two sister's on vacation to a resort in northern MN. The one thing she said when I asked her how do you do it? "Do what! Just move it or lose it that's all, ain't nothing to it!" as she shrugged her one shoulder.

With this and the research I've done in the last month, reading what people with seemly just mind over matter and heart, are able to do. All I'm able to do is stand in awe of them. Here are a few of the statements some of the people from the research I've look at, have used to describe how they do that they do: The impossible just takes longer. It all just figured it's self out. Patience, persistence and thank God for some good luck. My Doctor quit on me, telling my kids I was too old! Heard he died a few year ago, I don't give up or quit maybe that why I'm still kicking and he isn't!
As I'm sure you have noticed, not one of them really told how they do that they do. Not sure if they really know how they do it or not. Understanding now why research in this area maybe harder to do. When it seems people don't know how they do what do themselves.

The fall winds have been blowing

2011-11-09T15:27:00.001-06:00

For weeks now my goodness! Still have many leafs that need to fall, winter isn't far away now. Stocked up on bird food, still need to do more winterizing. So far I've heard 1) It's going be a repeat of last year 2) Colder without as much snow 3) More snow and less cold. What I do know is it's coming no matter what it brings, it will be dealt with as always with a bit of moaning and groaning of course! It can't be controlled too many things to factor in.

My herbs didn't make into the house so I'll be starting them from seed, most were to big to come in the house anyway. In May hopefully I'll be able to put them outside. Planning the garden will help me get through the winter I'll wait until February to make a firm plan, in March I'll start getting my seeds, all my starter pots are cleaned up and ready just waiting. Got some bulb's to put in next spring. The outside of the house is just about done, just need to get the last bit of raking done.

Love this time of year bright sun shine without the heat and dew points in the mid 30's high today 50 feels almost heavenly to me, no overheating did get a little warm just stopped in the shade cooled me off right away. All tucker out came into the house for a rest, sat and watched the birds and squirrels at the feeder they are very entertaining as they gather all they can and hide it away. The birds that stay here are getting a bit rounder. Less of the ones that are flying south but they are easy to spot, so thin and lean little flying machines. A group of them comes in and the bird feeders empty in not even an hour. They stay for a day or two at the most and off they go again won't see them again until spring, when they'll do the same thing. Could sit and watch them all day. If only I could find a way to get the leafs to fly into the bags, yes that is a bit of a stretch! Now begins the season of trying to keeping the heat in!

#33 relfections Misunderstanding

2011-11-05T06:55:00.001-05:00

Misunderstanding it's not a choice

By Mary K. Mennenga

It's your life to live

The choices made from this point on aren't going to be easy

Priorities will need adjusting to allow for more flexibility

Realizing there is a way around or through any obstacle

That lands in the path when willing to think outside the box

Everyone has limitations no one is alone

In needing to deal with limitations of the mind and body

Because no one does something the way you do

There is no right or wrong about it

Instead it's finding a way around a limitation

To do what needs doing done

Having been independent, self-reliant letting go of control

Is a process that takes time adjusting to!

With understanding and patience from everyone

And yes that applies to us most of all

Because you aren't in control of what's taken from you

Trusting your own decisions is hard

Fear by it's self will stop the ability to reason things through
Thought into action isn't what it used to be
With the lines of communications spotty at best and or blocked
Very little is automatic about us
It's by trial and error, we get anything done
It's not about wanting or needing to do something
It's if able to do anything
Finding anyone outside of M.S. to understand this is rare indeed
For the few that took the time to understand
I truly want to thank you

Now it a year since I started this blog.

2011-11-02T08:03:00.001-05:00

Looking back over the year of my posts, I haven't written on a wide range of topic's. My written reflections were the main reason I started this blog, for the most part I've gotten more good feedback than bad. Being added to M.S. bloggers and having some of my writings on The Carnival of M.S. Bloggers has been a highlight for me. Lisa thank you so much for finding me, I had tried to find other M.S. Bloggers for months with no luck at all on my own.

Before last year the only thing I did on the Internet was to order supplies and take on line tests when I worked at Jiffy Lube. It been a good year, couldn't have done many of the things I did do this year without help. In one way or another many people have helped me in small and big ways. Summing up my first year with Internet and all it has to offer. What I've learned is mostly good, finding things I still need to learn, some stuff I don't think I'll ever understand but that's not going to stop me from trying to learn. Will I crash my computer again more than likely! Good thing is I now know how to restore it and use the repair disc. The one thing I can do for hours and hours is research, no matter the topic. To bad when I look for answers all I end up with are more questions. Isn't this suppose to be the information age, feels more like the disinformation age at times. Hey! maybe we could have the telling to truth age? Nope to many folks just want to win, and get nothing done. Hope is not lost I've just misplaced it, no need to worry I know it's around here some where, so for now I just take it on faith. Thanks to all who stopped by!

#32 Fighting an unseen foe

2011-10-26T01:15:00.002-05:00

Fighting an unseen foe

For Karen as she began waging war against

Colon Cancer

You didn't even know of it's existence until a short time ago

Getting you're head around what's happened and what's next

Your not one to play the blame game

Or feeling sorry for yourself

Instead you've chosen to fight with every tool you have

Keep in mind that fighting and pushing yourself too hard

Will only weaken you

Learning to lean on those who love you for assistance

Is an adjustment that's hard to make

The price for not making it will cost you even more

In terms of energy you'll need to fight

So pick you're battles carefully

Your patience will continue to be tested

Because you want to do things for yourself

The question is should you?

If yes let no one get in your way!

Remember the stronger you are the longer you're in control of

Of your choices

Take each day as it comes

Live knowing what's important is being with the people you love

Making the most of the time we have

Together

By doing our best to live life

Holding nothing back

By Mary K. Mennenga

Karen M. Helin

October 4, 2011

# 31 Reflections If you could see past disability

2011-10-24T12:51:00.001-05:00

If you could see past disability

By Mary K. Mennenga

To see the person

Who isn't willing to quit or given up

On living life, hope and love

Life is about

Making the most out of what I've got to work with

It's not about what I can no longer do

Instead it's learning new ways of working within the limitations

Living life has brought to all of us

Pride is a force that will need to be dealt with

It's one of the things that can defeat anyone

Remember I'm are still in control of my choices

Will I make mistakes of course that's how most learning gets done!

All I ask is your understanding that

If the reason you're helping is because you think you have to?

That kind of support feels more like pity to me

Instead of being something you want to do with me

Honestly pity is just another form of guilt

That has nothing to do with me

Dog sitting Grey girl

2011-10-21T17:44:00.001-05:00

Is a treat she is a retired Greyhound and sleeps 20 hours a day.

Isn't she cute, Grey girl is our friend Ruth dog, don't see her to often any more that okay. Jane is more then ready to get another dog, I'm the one who's don't ready to get a dog yet. After Honey girl and my m.s. not sure I can handle a dog so I'm dragging my heels. Here are the dogs we dog sit for this is Mr. Owen he's quite the little man.

We also dog sit for our landlord dog's Goldie and Glenda, they are Mother and daughter and don't get along with other dog's. Glenda the dark one is very protective of her Mom.

They are all nice and I can handle and take care of them, for a week or two, right now that about all I'm able to do. Having a dog and doing right by him or her is a whole another thing, keeping a dog untrained for any reason isn't right. Yes, I know training is hard work for both the person and the dog not doing it isn't being fair to the dog or anyone who interacts with them. It's the main reason I'm not ready for a dog. Now once everyone knows and follows the rules the relationship grows into a bond of trust and love that rarely needs words. The relationships I've had with animals have been better than most of the human relationships, but that's my fault because for me it's a matter of trust. Loving almost all animals, sorry not a fan of mice not even in a cage. One day a may have another dog, but right now I enjoy dog sitting and it's more than enough, they each have wonderful and different personalities, just like their owner's. It's time to make another leaf pile for Grey girl to lay on, it's one of her favorite things to do here in the fall.

Oh so sweet don't you think

Weather

2011-10-19T15:13:00.001-05:00

It's still hard to believe all the weather records, that have stood for so many years, have been broken within the last 365 day's. Including a few new all time highs and lows temperature, reaching dew point temperature never seen here before. Being aware this is happening all over the world, maybe I'm being small minded for thinking more about my little postage stamp than the kind of shape the whole planet is in.

Now that fall has come I think, having eight days of temperatures in the 80's in October isn't something I've seen here before. My garden is finally done and put to rest until next spring, all the flower, rock and shade and perennial gardens are ready for a long winters sleep. All are very small and not much work at all. Still watering everything it's been a dry hot and windy fall so far, the herb's aren't ready to come into the house just yet. The potted plants and flowers have been cut back and heavily watered, covered and just waiting for the snow. That this year I hope will not fall and stay for a month or so.

There is still much to do before the long cold winter sets in, now we go from keeping the heat out to keeping it in, which is much harder to do when we don't get above 32 degrees for six to eight weeks and when the cold winds of January and February start blowing in, stealing the heat in the house away. Making winterizing now a must. It's next on the to do list for us also doing the last window washing until spring, that is only important to me. So I can watch and feed the birds and squirrels all winter long, maybe I'll even get to see a hawk stop by for a snack, as long as it's willing to take it to go, it's not entertaining to watch them eat. It's what I call my equal opportunity feeder winter is hard on all the animals up here, keeping the balance of nature isn't easy to watch it is however necessary. It's been a while since my last post, now that much of the work outside is done, I'll be doing more writing once again.

So far this month has been too much about saying goodbye then saying hello. I'll be glad to see this month end, it's been an emotional one in many different ways for both Jane and I, it will all work out the way it should in the end, because it always does. It's the transition that's hard on everyone, going from what once was to what it will be. Not knowing what that may end up being or if that too will also end is harder still. The unknown is a troubling place to be.

The question's of life and death!

2011-10-10T14:48:00.002-05:00

A dear friend Karen who is also my caregiver Jane big sister passed away on Oct. 4th 2011 of stage four colon cancer. Karen was a fighter and battled it every step of the way when the cancer moved into the spine soon after that her battle ended. Until the end she stayed true to who she has always been.

Karen will be missed by "her Boy's" as she called her husband Bill her son's Billy and Matt, and her family and many friends I'm so glad she counted me as one, she was one of the kindness people I've known. Jane and Karen have always been close, Jane has taken Karen's death hard, Karen never tried to change her or knock her down or made her feel small. Karen and Jane relationship was build from love Karen was more than a sister she was also Jane's best friend throughout Jane's life, no one stood up for Jane the way that Karen did, or loved her without condition. Their bond has stood up through the good and bad times in each other's life, they always had each other's best interest at heart. I may not be the best judge for this because, I have no sister's of my own but if I did I would want a relationship like the two of them have shared. The closest I've come to the kind of relationship they shared, was with my Mom and that's not the same at all.

When friendship's #30 Reflections

2011-09-29T16:59:00.004-05:00

When a friendship changes or ends

By Mary K. Mennenga

Inspired by a very dear friend

Will show where the strength of your character is based

Is it based?

In resentment and bitterness with hostility and malice

What could be gained by this nothing?

But fear, mistrust and everyone keeps hurting

Then it's more about keeping score of who was hurt the most

The scar's it leaves on the heart's that never seem to fade

Or is it based

On understanding that no matter how hard we tried

Things don't workout the way we thought it would

It's not about blame or faults it's letting go

Understanding we've learned more than we lost

Gaining knowledge that sometimes letting go of a friend

Is the best way, to truly be a friend to them

Remember the good and let the bad fade.

I know I will

A few tid bits and odd stuff

2011-09-28T15:27:00.001-05:00

That I've realized over the years, things I still don't understand and some that I may have a handle on why I keep making the same mistake over and over again? Answer: Somethings just take longer to learn!

Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result does not happen, no matter how hard I try!

Knowing in my head what has been said is true, then why is it so hard for my heart to believe? Is doubt stronger than trust and faith no, that's not it! Because the mind is what thinks and the heart is what feels. So it's the mind that is trying to preventing the heart from getting hurt.

When doing a job half ass, that's exactly what it looking like when it's done.

The amount of time wasted trying to get out of doing something, is time I'll never get back.

Why is finding faults within myself is so easy, but fixing them is so hard.

Why after being told I did a good job or someone tells me I'm nice. Why do I think I'm being told what I want to hear instead of the truth, that I really suck at this.

Why do people not understand when I say I'm fine that I am and let me be.

Having a conversation that does not include M.S. is nice, when I'm enjoying a conversation about things like pets, babies and general news stories and focusing on all the good stuff! Why do people feel the need to bring up my m.s.?

One of the fastest ways to end a conversation is to start talking about politics, religion and or the economy and health care. Of which we have little control of anyway. Getting people to agree to disagree on any of these subjects is easier said then done, that's what I've found! But staying away from these subject's tends to leave a gap in what affects our life's in so many ways almost every day.

Taking the good with the bad isn't as easy as it sounds to do. Giving them equal value is harder still, but important for a honest balanced view.

Holding on to good memories is great, as for the bad just let them go! There is no value in carrying all that rubbish around with you, it only weighs you down. It's hard to move forward when you keep looking back at your life.

When judging the mistakes you made in your past, it's good to remember your not the same person you were back then. If you were you wouldn't see them as mistakes. Life really is a learn as you grow kind of thing. That's why it has a beginning a middle and an endding. And it happens to be true for all living things, well mammals for sure.

Yes there are many more I'm sure. These aren't answers to any questions, it's only looking from my point of view no matter if I'm right or I'm wrong, It's how I see it right now!

The fall season is here.

2011-09-19T18:03:00.001-05:00

I do enjoy fall yes it is a busy time, with so much to get done so I'm ready for winter. Last year winter came in so fast I got caught with gas in the lawn mower, the snow blower still in the back of the shed. Granted I did need to cut the grass only two weeks before we got 6 inches of snow that didn't melt and was only added to until it final started melting in March. This year so far is starting out more normal with dew points below 50 degrees just two days ago the dew point was 38 degrees. In Minnesota the land of 10,000 lakes, dew points in the 70's and 80's isn't what we are knew for. In a few short Months we'll be back (hopefully) to highs in the 30's and lows in the single digits. This year I'm getting ready for it early, the garden will stay but some of the cutting back I'll start this week like the dogwood bushes and the spring plants. With some help I'll thin the hosta plants this year they got so big and thick, I'm thinking of putting them along the fence it would cut down on the trimming next year. Here are some the plants I grew this years with a few odds and ends added in.

These two below are now over 3 feet tall was told they won't grow too tall may 16 inches if that, my goodness were they ever wrong, I was planning to bring them in the house for the winter, I'm not sure I have the room for them now!

This tropical plant and the flowers below it. To say it's rare for it to flower here in Minnesota outside, is an understatement indeed. Having had six blooms already and may still have two or three more yet to come is amazing!

Yes I feed all who come be it squirrel's, bunny's and of course the birds. It became a circle of life feeder as a few hawk's came to dine as well thankfully they took their food to go. Most of what they took was mice and no one seemed sad to see them go.

The bird feeders are for the smaller birds like sparrow's, swallow and the wren's, finch's and the small woodpeckers the downy and hairy. This one in the picture maybe Northern Cardinal but I'm not so sure, it sure is cute whatever it is.

Now that I've had my rest, it time to get back to getting things done. It is so nice to be able to be outside again, with all the heat we had this summer I didn't get to stay outside for long. Here's to hope for a longer fall then we had last year, the fall color's should be grand here with all the rain and heat we had this year.

About the hawk's we live in the city but are just a few blocks from the Mississippi river that's where they nest the eagles will pass by us on their way to winter in Redwing, Minnesota, the hawk's tend to hang out here until the end of December.

I'm part of the problem that makes M.S. invisible

2011-09-14T18:25:00.001-05:00

Yep its true! This came as a shock to me, please give me a chance to try and explain what I mean. This is what I'm just beginning to understand about myself. When I'm attempting to tell people what M.S. is doing to me, knowing I look fine to them and many don't understand, telling me it's all in my head and their right just not in the way they meant it, people can't relate to what it does, for them it automatic they want to do anything and their bodies do it without them needing to think about it much at all. For them the lines of communication from the brain to the muscles and back again work's and yes I still remember when that was true for me as well. So understanding that's what M.S. does, isn't something they have experienced. Hell they don't even know how they do what they do half time anyway! Because they can't relate, I'm told to do what works for them (sound familiar?) and say, if your tired just take a nap! When I'm suffering from m.s. fatigue it isn't about needing sleep, I feel more like a dead battery what won't take a charge. When I do take a nap as suggested I'll end up worst off then before! Because my brain and muscles aren't working as a team. Instead less than half of the messages from my brain to my muscles and my muscles telling my brain they're done aren't getting through. Making it feels like my own muscles are trying to pull my joints apart and not one of them is listening to me as I try and fail to get them to work together. That takes stress to a brand new level, as I slowly get my brain and muscles back under control for the most part. Now I'm back to where I was before I took the dam nap in the first place and now I'm running late! Still dealing with the stress from the one who said to take a nap. At this point I do wish they could live in my head for a minute, if they did maybe then they would understand but, more than likely they would come out stark raving mad!

Now this is the invisible part

How many people with m.s. tell anybody about the battles we fight every day just to function? Not many, well I don't anyway. What I do without even thinking, by the way I didn't know I was doing this until two weeks ago. Is to wear colors that look good on me, I smile, laugh and ask people how they are before they can ask me. The little things I do without thinking like; opening my eye's, relaxing my face muscles. Lets face it there are a few things like bodily dysfunction's that even people who have them don't want to talk about! When people ask how I'm doing? I don't lie, when I say I'm fine because I am, the way I see it is I'm where I want to be with the people I want to be around and that's more important then what m.s. is doing to me every day.

The big one for me is when someone talks about the pain they are going through and tells me it nothing like what you go through every day, I nip that right away. Comparing one pain to another isn't the point, because understanding how pain can and does affect everything around me, doesn't make the pain they feel any less important to them. Knowing how pain can make even breathing seem almost impossible! If I don't want someone to dismiss my pain, how could I dismiss the pain their feeling. Knowing just maybe I could help them in some way, to ease their suffering letting them know they aren't alone.

The amount of pain suffered isn't important

It's the compassion learned from dealing with pain

That can make a difference for any one dealing with pain

Back from my family reunion.

2011-09-07T18:06:00.001-05:00

Oh my! I had forgotten how much fun my family is. A good time was had by all, of course as always there was more than enough food with the leftovers we could have feed a small Army! Not to worry we don't waste food leftovers are a stable in the Kjenaas family and having some very good cooks doesn't hurt either so no one went hunger. Those of us watching our BMI didn't. This was about catching up having fun together as a family, there was a bit of drinking, involved of course just enough to loosen folks up a bit. It was a blast that will not be forgotten any time soon, I'm sure. In two years we'll do it again, spending time with family is great, I love all of my family.

I had the best time, I did all the things I wanted to do. My family understand that I do the best I can within the limits that m.s. has put on me. One look at me seemed to show them I'm okay and no need to worry about me. Not seeing one look of pity was great, not once did I feel I in the way. Having a wonderful family helps a great deal, I also try not too stress them out by doing more than I should. The first day I came close I know, my limit was reached so Jane and I went back to the cabin so I could rest. That night people stopped by to visit, remarking that we had the smallest and cutest unit. The railing on the deck was just the right height to server as a bar rail, I made one more trip out to visit with family at my cousin Peter's was two cabins down from mine.

Cute little place.

Just the right height for visiting!

On Saturday my brother Brian pointed out that he had seen I was over doing it and he was concerned I put his fears to rest because Jane and I had dealt with that, so I didn't let it happen again. The rest of the family went to the amusement park, and or played golf and took the booze cruse on the lake, neither Jane or I wanted to do any of that. So we stayed at our cabin doing what we love doing cooking, relaxing and after our burgers the night before on the grill more flame then grill. There was no way I was going to have Jane cook her marinade mesquite chicken wings on that very dirty grill so I cleaned it, and was rewarded with her telling me it looked brand new! Not one flame up as Jane cooked 3 lbs. of her wings, while she was cooking I cut up veg's and making dip, and snacks for us. the reunion dinner was suppose to start at 6 pm, like anyone was going to hold this group to a time table that why I made us a snack okay lunch! I also needed to taste those wings 4 did the trick, same as always great! Jane makes great wings, some time after 7 O'clock the dinner got started after everyone seemed done eating and with only 8 wings left it was time for me to take a break and get the wings in the refrig, yep that will be for breakfast. Going back to the party after a rest, it was time for a dance, the gal's did a great job visited more, long day and I didn't over do it once, gave myself a pat on the back for that one!

Sunday was cold 70 degrees and then it started to rain got the heat going so Jane could warm up. Going and getting my last visiting in and we checked out at noon and headed for home.

Been working on one of the first pages I did.

2011-08-24T14:09:00.002-05:00

When I posted this the first time I couldn't read it through and now I hope it will be easier to read. Sorry about that folk's!
The title in pages is "This is the dream I had" the whole title is.

Shortly after I lost my best friend

Who just happened to be a dog.

This is the dream I had

Working on this page has always been hard. Jane and I got Honey girl as a puppy just six weeks old, all of her life 13 and half years. Honey girl and I did everything together, making some jobs harder to get done, I really didn't mind she kept me entertained, with the ways she tried to help. Most of the time it involved a rock or a ball, some how she thought it would help!

The last six mouths of her life had been hard on all three of us. Honey had gotten sick becoming so dependent on me she wouldn't even go outside without me and if we could she wouldn't stay outside long enough to get her business done. When she lost her hearing and her always needing to be so close to me. It had caused me to fall many times, some were very painful for me because I made sure I didn't fall on her. Now this wasn't information I cared to share. Honey girl had gotten to the point that if she couldn't find me, she got so upset, it made her sick. Sleeping in bed was out of the question because the bed was too high for her to see me, so she would whine. So I started sleeping in my chair, with the added stress my M.S. really started acting up. Jane was trying to help but Honey girl wouldn't do anything without me, so of course I just got madder at my body for not doing what I asked of it and that just made the M.S. worst yet, at the time blaming Jane and myself was easier. Because I refused to blame Honey girl I loved her so much. Honey girl got much worst unable to get up without help and lost all control of her bodily functions. It was time to stop her suffering. Jane and I knew, Honey Girl hated going to the vet. she would be sick for days even if it was just a check up. Neither of us wanted her to go through that kind of stress. A friend knew of a vet that would come to the house to put her down in her own bed, with me and her toys all around her.

When the vet came Honey girl seemed so happy to see this vet! Honey wasn't one who let people pet her, when she first met them, she had always been shy at first unless, you wanted to play catch or to play with her toy. The vet and her assistant had nothing like that, but Honey girl pushed passed me to greet them. Did she know why they were there? Was she glad they were going to put an end to her suffering? The vet give her a check up and told me how very sick Honey was, it would have only been a matter of days before she would have passed away on her own. The vet was surprised she had lived this long considering how sick she was. Honey girl and I went outside and played catch one last time and she went potty! We went inside and she went straight to her bed and laid down with her toys, I was petting her as I watched as the light in her eyes slowly faded away. A few weeks later I had gotten some sleep and was beginning to get my energy back, then I felt so guilty I cried for hours, in the hallway it still smelled like Honey Girl. Then I started thinking was the real reason I put Honey Girl down, for selfish reasons? That night I got my answer in the form of a dream, I didn't want to forget it! You know how that happens, so I called my Mom and told her about it. She stayed on the phone with me until I got it all down. (in pages it's This is the dream I had) I have only dreamed about the field of grass a few time, the last time was a few months after my Mom passed away. That dream I couldn't write down, it faded so quickly after I woke up. What I d0 remember is the feelings of love and peace it give me and that's good enough for me.

I've been a bit off as of late

2011-08-23T09:53:00.003-05:00

Sometimes when this happens I don't understand, why it takes me so long to realize, I've got some kind of a chip on my shoulder. No wait that's not it, it's more of annoyed feeling I can't figure out why would I feel this way. Learning at last I was trying to figure out, my heart with my head! Rarely does that have a worthwhile out come. So until I allowed myself to feel what it was, I was afraid of feeling. Now that I've written it out, it seems kind of funny being afraid of something I know is within my control. Oh my goodness fear is a thief that can sneak in, making mountains out of the smallest of sand piles. It's amazing once I faced my fear it turned out to be about the silliest of things. It's about my family reunion weekend this Saturday! It's the first time in Oh I can't remember when, I don't know what every one's been doing and realizing that the same is also true for them about me. Sharing with each other first hand what we feel is worth sharing, I really think this will be fun and nothing I need to be afraid of.

This time Mom will be there in spirit, at the last reunion two years ago. Mom didn't want me to share any of her health problems, all that could be done had already been done. For her this was about her spending time with her whole family. What she needed the was for everyone to remember her, as she had always been, good old Auntie Adele and friend. Not that this would be the last time they would see her. This meant she wanted bit of help at first, by letting her know who was coming in to visit, without them knowing I was doing it. Because she couldn't see far or well at all, the way she recognized everyone was by the sound of their voices. Another piece of information she hadn't wanted me to share so I didn't. As people walked by she would ask me if that was one of our group or not, as people started coming to visit her, she wanted to visit with all of them, just not all at once. Mom had wanted me to bring my written reflection's she was proud of them and she had been my editor, but I knew that wasn't the only reason she wanted them, it didn't take long to understand it was meant as tool for me to run interference for her. Of course it worked like a charm, when too many conversation were going on all at once she would bring up my writings. The first time she said; "Mary show (so and so) your written reflection the one about, which ever one she thought the person would be interested in". It was my cue to distract some conversation away from her to me, with all the voices and more coming in all the time. She didn't want to miss her chance to talk with each and everyone of them. As she began bringing all the conversation back together. Gathering up the discarded copies of my reflection knowing they had done what she had needed them to do, I took my spot sitting just behind her. Watching as she directed all of us that had come, getting everyone talking to and with each other without her having to talk about herself. She just took it all in, adding in her stories of each of us and filling in the gapes of memories and adding in the reaction of their parents, had told her about what the kids had done. It was she told later, so nice having her whole family back together again, reminding her of all the great gathering we have had with her whole family all together once more.

It will be interesting to see how and who will bring all of us together as a family. Already knowing it will not be me, I'm still considered as the baby by some and with my M.S. forget it! We all say some of the same thing she did. Being afraid of the unknown isn't me, as I told Mom many years ago. It is what it is until it isn't what it once was. Making this reunion brand new, where it goes if it's the start of something new or the last of it's kind? Only time and each member of the whole family knows the answer. As for me, I'm no longer able to plan that far ahead. With M.S. I just don't know that the future may hold.

#29 The steps you've taken together today

2011-08-18T13:48:00.002-05:00

For Katie & Nick

On their wedding day

By Katie's Auntie Mary K. Mennenga

The steps you've taken together today

Isn't as big as the step you took

A few years ago

When you opened your hearts

To each other

So today we join with you

In celebrating the love

You share with and for each other

Knowing the love you two share

Has already stood up to

A test of time

And is even stronger now because

As two strong independent, unique, individuals

By your choosing to become partners

In whatever life has in store

for each of you

Realizing you're stronger together

There isn't an obstacle

That by working together you can't handle

I know this because you are both

Too tenacious to allow that to happen

#28 A thunderstorm brings peace

2011-08-17T10:39:00.002-05:00

A thunderstorm brings peace

By Mary K. Mennenga

The hardest day in my life was the day my Mom died

I wasn't sad, more relieved her life had become so complicated

She has always been my rock and her love never wavered

She always had a positive attitude and whenever obstacle's littered her path; she didn't walk around them, instead she worked her way though them all.

She wasn't one to make mountains out of molehills

She preferred to live and let live

She didn't want anyone to worry or fuss over her

Living her life in control of her choices, when attempting to accept that she needed help, wasn't a role she was familiar with or cared for much!

She knew it was essential and handled it the best she could

As her night came a thunderstorm rolled in

She went to see what the ruckus was all about

As she did an Angel went home to heaven.

Wet Bulb Global Temperature Index (standard*)

2011-08-16T12:22:00.002-05:00

This information is good enough to stand as it's own post. Having M.S. the heat for me carries it's own stress that has taken me out of action more than once. On the table below the far right column is my own guideline and at the bottom is how I need to manage a whole day of actives. Yes it sucks having limitations of what I can and can't do but it's better then ending up in a Ambulance and or a Hospital! Been there done that more than once and don't want to do that again. Each person can set their own limit.

Wet Bulb Global Temperature (heat) Index (Standard*)
                                                                                          My M.S.
Category       Temperature         work/rest             work/rest
1                          78-81.9                   40/20                    30/30
2 (green)           82-84.9                  30/30                    20/40
3 (yellow)          85-87.9                  30/30                    10/50
4 (red)               88-89.9                  20/40                     5/55
5 (black)           90-or greater         10/50                     0/60

For each hour worked using this chart, I decrease work by 10 minutes and increase rest by 20 minutes. Anything over 4 hours increase rest by one hour for the rest of day. If temperatures drop down below index category 1 it's a judgement call based on how well I stuck to the day plan.

*Standard is set by a person who is physically fit and in good general health within the age range of 18 to 23 years old.

The year in Pictures 2011

2011-08-05T16:08:00.002-05:00

From January to August 2011

These are the similar pictures I have taken so far this year. The snow didn't really start melting, until the end of March by April 15 it was gone. Then it really got cold it stayed below average until middle of June. July went off the charts hot with dew points in the upper 70's and 80. We set a record for the highest dew point ever at 82 degrees. Here in Minnesota the dew points in the summer, on average we have 13 days of dew points in the 60's to low 70's, this year we've had 19 days and it's not even the dog days of summer. A few times each year it will get too hot to rain, that has only happened once so far meaning it's been a very wet. In the winter dew points are 30's and 40's. The yearly average dew point is in the high 40's. Like summer in winter it gets too cold to snow, that's when you can see ice crystals in the air that don't seem to hit the ground like dew would. How this happens here in both summer and winter is when the upper and surface temperature is around the same. The reasons the ground frost here can go deeper then 4 feet down, when we don't have enough snow cover to insulate the ground until mid November or December. Now if your still reading this you have more information about Minnesota climate then some of the people who live here have.

This year within 48 hours we went from a high of 58 degrees with a dew point of 43, to a high of 83 degrees and the dew point in the mid 70's. People like to say "It's not the heat it's the humidity!" The higher the dew point temperature is, the harder it makes it to breath.

I would prefer to be told to shut up!

2011-08-03T20:10:00.001-05:00

THIS IS JUST A RANT

How often do people actively listen? To what is being said, does it depend on who is speaking or how they are saying it. This is to the people who say nothing and let this person ramble on and on until they are so far off the point they have forgotten that they wanted you to hear. When engaged in conversation with someone and they said something you didn't want to hear, did you tell them how you felt about the statement made or did you tune out and stop listening and talking, letting them keep rambling on and on.

I'm one of those who rambling on and on, it's not because I like to hear my own voice. It's madding when I realize it wasn't that the person didn't understand what I was trying to say. They just ended the conversation without informing me. It would be easier on me if the person had gone ahead and told me to shut up because they didn't care what I had to say.

Of course, I begin to realize to keep it short, answering the question or statement. I will not again sound like a fool! Most people don't like sounding or looking foolish that includes me.

The part that sickens me. Is when the person asks me, why aren't you talking to me? Sorry but I could answer but I don't for if I did then I would just sound foolish all over again! been there done that.

The mirror

2011-07-29T15:00:00.001-05:00

Is a funny thing when we look at the reflection. We see every flaw the pain, stress and fatigue. So why is it that so few people can see it when we know it's written all over our face? Because that's not face we let many people see. Instead we smile and put on that brave face, you know it's the one you learned to use right after, seeing that first look of pity directed at you! Think back to the reflection you saw in the mirror what was your first thought? For me most of the time it's " I look horrible or like shit, death warmed over twice! My personal favorite is, like something the cat tried to drag in but ended up leaving out on the door step! This is a few from a long list I've said to myself. As I turn away from the mirror leaving that reflection behind me and putting on the face I wish I could see in the mirror. No it's not a fake face, I'm putting my best face forward so conversations aren't about how I look. When I'm asked how I'm doing I just say I'm fine that way no one needs to worry about me, it's not a lie I'm just limiting the amount of information that could be used against me. Thankfully none of my family and only a few friends read my blog anyway. That way I can enjoy the conversations, visit and have some fun. Without being told what I can or should and can't or shouldn't do.

#27 You being you is amazing

2011-07-28T12:40:00.004-05:00

You being you is amazing
By Mary K. Mennenga

When what you can do is stolen from you
The mix of emotions is different for each person

Learning their life and all plans made

May need to be changed or at least need a lot of adjustments

The future is now more of a question mark

Your heart, spirit and love for life remain unchanged

Your not one to give up or quit when the gets tough
Knowing it's name is M.S. gives you power over it
Because you knew what it could and would do
M.S. didn't know the kind of fighter you are
You know the fight must be against M.S.
Not you!
What it takes from you isn't who you are only what you can do
You really are much more than just that
Knowledge is a powerful tool when the fighting
Must be done from the inside out

Having limits isn't something you've had to deal with until now
Handling this isn't easy when it changes
One day you can the next your body fails it's not your fault
You know what the real reason is and it's not you
Getting people to understand does not always happen
Now all plan's made are tentative to limit misunderstandings
This is when we see how strong you are as you battle M.S.
Yet you still manage to take care of the people who love you
Of course you may not see it that way, your looking outward
We are looking in seeing your heart
That is the most amazing part of you being you

Nothing I do will change the outcome.

2011-07-27T11:06:00.001-05:00

That a wonderful day, no reason it just is. Yep I still have pain, ringing in my ear nothing has changed or gotten better. The USA our government will more than likely default and lose it's AAA credit rating, for the first time in history. Understanding that I have no control over the outcome anyway so worrying about it would be worthless so I don't, part of it is my fault anyway I voted. So what is it that makes this a wonderful day? Realizing that no matter what happens it will still be what it is. If I lose my V.A. health care and a social security check, so will over 50 million other people, I'll muddle though some how or not, all I can do is the best I can with what I've got to work just like every body else. It will work out just not the way I want it to that's all. It's still a wonderful day anyway a gift that I will enjoy...

#26 Making assumptions

2011-07-23T11:52:00.002-05:00

Making assumptions

By Mary K. Mennenga

Everyone does this from time to time

It's also one of those things we have all done to others

Throughout history it has caused all wars

People seem to see things as only right or wrong

It's my way or the highway type of mentality

Approaching subjects with the attitude of

If I don't get what I want then no 0ne will get anything

Even if it ends up hurting everyone

This cuts both ways when nobody is willing to compromise

When what's good for the few is more important

Than what's good for the many

That's when those with nothing have nothing to lose

The majority have just enough to get by

But realize they are one misstep away from

Joining the nothing to lose

This is when freedom is lost

Could this still be called?

The land of the free and the home of the brave

My window to the world

2011-07-20T12:32:00.004-05:00

A different kind of post from me, it's just to hot to be outside so I watch from my window this is some of what I see.

I'm not big on watching people, I watch the critters mostly and these two love that the bird's are messy eaters.

Breakfast under the tree!

The bird bath is in the back yard and it's always stays in the shade:-)

Here are some shots of last winter!

These were taken 12-12-10 on top this 34 inches we got another 84 inches. None of it started melting until mid March and was gone the last week of April, the last snow fell on May 12 if I remember right.

Right now I wouldn't mind a bit of last winter Back Today!

# 25 Of Reflections What is it that makes pity so painful?

2011-07-18T13:19:00.003-05:00

What is it that makes pity so painful?
By Mary K. Mennenga

If it's happened to you, you know what I mean!

It's beyond painful it destroys trust

It can be over come with understanding

And a willingness not to judge
By not allowing yourself to stand in judgment

Seeing the ability as well as the inability
Of communicating feelings isn't easy when you love and care for someone
Interpreting words from heart to heart is harder still
The heart knows feeling just not always the right words
To convey what a person's true feelings are
Instead of focusing on the words that were used
Actively listen with your heart
Focusing on the heart behind the words
That's where the true meaning will be found

Here comes the HEAT

2011-07-17T14:02:00.001-05:00

Started 7-15
The normal high for this time of year 84 degrees, however starting Saturday through the follow week it will be 90+ degrees with dew point in the upper 60 and 70 so the heat index will be over 100 degrees, right now it's 74 degree Yesterday the high was 77 degrees all last week the dew point was in the mid 40 to the low 50. To be honest I don't know how those of you who live where that is the normal, handle this kind of heat even when I was stationed in Kentucky which was 30 years ago it was hard to handle back then.

7-16 lowest temp was 78
Yes I know it's all relative but after my trip to florida in march I'm a bit nervous. This heat wave may last longing then two weeks. Last year we had a small one that lasted for less then 5 days but we lost power 3 times and I almost lost it. With the weather having been cooler then normal this year, I'm having more trouble than I did last summer. It will be okay I've got a plan in case all hell breaks loose and we have rolling black outs, I'll go to the V.A. it's only 3 miles from the house, I do know a few that may give me a ride to get there, if I ask them or I can always call a taxi.

7-17 low temp 81
After last winter you would think, I'd be a little more thankful for some heat, what's come isn't heat for me it's too much HOT with air so thick it would be easier to drink than breath. Talk about climate change January coldest was around -10 degrees below zero with a windchill of -25 meaning that's how cold it felt. If we do reach the +99 degrees with a heat index of 115 degrees that's a swing of 140 degrees I think. The normal swing is around 81 degress. As I finish this the temp is 92 the heat index is 110 and it's only 1:40pm.

Researching Okay?

2011-07-15T13:03:00.001-05:00

Researching after learning something is wrong would be much easier. If Doctors and researchers had full medical history and could go back through, investigating the past history learning. Had this person had a vitamin deficient or bone loss at a much younger age, or anything that could later in life become a problem that may need to be watched. Few people have complete medical records going back to childhood, there are many different reasons why people don't. Thankfully record keeping has gotten much better. Now the problem is many people can't afford to see a doctor with the cost of health care so high. Finding issues in the early stages isn't happening, instead problems are found too late or being missed all together. Reacting after the fact hasn't worked out very well so far, the learning curve is too slow, education of the facts is more miss then hit. Finding the real cause faster could make a huge difference in the outcomes for all of us.

Now I'm a nobody and not the brightest bulb on any tree that's for sure! I'm just saying what I think about what I've seen, heard and been told. So take this for what it is, my point of view. Maybe I'm wrong which I am quite a lot. This is my last post on this subject, I've come to the end of my research. Learning research works best the more information it has to draw from but with limited information it breaks down into, two people looking at the exact same information and not reach the same conclusion. Because it's more about the prospective of the information, then where when and who it came from what's gained is understanding that more and better sources of information are needed.

It seems people are trying to find something or someone to blame for what's happening, if we get rid of this one thing it would fix everything. There is a gap and a lot of what's happening is best guessing and rounding up the usual suspects like smoking, bad health and eating habits and lacking proper nutrition as a child. Yes there are a lot more, but these three always seem to be on top of every list as a leading cause of just about everything. Starting with the first one Smoking and yes I smoke cigarettes. To be fair I smoked before I was born. Remembering the Doctor smoking in the office and people smoking in any store. Trying to find any group that has not been touched by carcinogen, is harder than I thought. Anything that burns produces carcinogen's there is no way around it, it's in so many things that are used in everyday. I do agree it should be at the top of every list, however we should call it what it is exposure to carcinogen's. Trying to blame a lack of knowledge on the past no one knew it was wrong then. Health science didn't know things were harmful until after people started dying, this is still true today. Trusting science now isn't that easy it's still more subjective then objective.*

*My point of reference is the study that came out about a year ago stating that forth and fifth hand cigarettes smoke is just as bad as second hand smoke. The study concluded this by
grouping all known burning carcinogen as one group cigarette smoke.

This my rant: May and might

2011-07-11T12:27:00.001-05:00

Before you start reading this, I'm not a doctor and I have no answers this is about my own observation of what I'm learning after doing a few day's of research. This is a rant born out of frustration after doing that research

Trying to understand why after years of research. That many of the research study findings said it proved, this may or might be a factor in why people get M.S. Maybe I'm just not smart enough or am I so dumb, that it's all going over my head God I hope not! Okay isn't the reason for doing a research study to prove that a statement is fact! This where I get lost, when I read may or might be a factor wouldn't that make the findings inconclusive! So the findings have proved what we already know the environment is a factor in M.S.

Now about M.S. drug's that starts out with.We are not sure how or why this works. However it did seem to help 70% of the people in our research control study group, what is not said is the part how many dropped out of study or the + or - % margin of error, In very small print about the long term results the projected figures are +/-10 to 15% 52% many of the studies are run by the drug company that will produce it and profit from the sale of it. No it's not a cure, lets not forget there's very little money to be made in finding a cure, when much more can be made by looking for one. Two days of wasting my time was a bit upsetting, learning that making money is more important then... Sorry I just can't finish that statement.

Yes some research that's done is honest and truthful I know. It just seems to be more about the money than the well being of the patient.

Reflection # 24 It's odd, but really not so much.

2011-07-09T21:11:00.001-05:00

It's odd, but really not so much

By Mary K. Mennenga

That the same Mother raised, my brother's and me

We each had a unique, independent, relationship with her

She raised us to be: independent, unique, individuals

We are that for sure! We do share a few similarities

One look at us will leave no doubt we are her children

In the words we say what we do and the way we treat others

It's easy to see how much we love her
Being raised to be independent our similarities do end

Each of us see, react and deal with life differently
She didn't raise us to be like her or anyone else
She didn't give each of us all the same tools
Rarely did she give us the answer for a question
Instead she gave us the tools to find our own answers
The answers she gave seemed to come with more questions
By giving each one the tools she felt we needed
So we could be who we were meant to be
Her peals of wisdom were just that
We don't talk or get to together often
Much of what we did do was because we loved her
We are who she raised us to be
Independent and self-sufficient
She was proud of us
For staying true to ourselves
And for finding our own path to happiness
I was and will always be my Mom's baby girl
One day I hope to be known's as my Brother's Sister

WBGT* Wet Bulb Globe Temperature Index

2011-07-05T16:50:00.001-05:00

Started writting this on 6-24-2011

Thursday and Friday were hot with a heat index of 107 degrees, I know for some folks that maybe a normal high for where they live. Minnesota is known more for our cold and snow and after last winter with temperature well below zero for weeks at a time and that doesn't including the windchill factor. With the heat index that high I stayed inside with the A/C set at 78 degree's needless to say I didn't venture out at all. So I started thinking back to the best mistake I've made so far.

It was back in July of 1980 I had just graduated from High School and was waiting to hear about a full scholarship I was the first alternate on. The scholarship included paid on the job training, all classes as well as housing for up to 4 years to become a Forest Ranger, I had already meet all the requirements having worked for the Youth Conservation Corps in 1979 for six weeks and had passed the skill tests on conservation and plant identification, the only tests in my life I had or have gotten every answer a 100% right and  had been recommended by 2 crew leaders as well as the director and one of the ranger's that supervised work we had done. The last was a essay in at least 500 word on why I thought I would make a good Forest ranger. I knew the first six month's of the training would be in Washington State at a fire station and that my only human contact would more than likely be with the two trainers, after living through high school it sounded like haven to me anyway. So I didn't think for one minute that the person who got it would ever turn to down. I didn't want just a job to pay the bills, I wanted a job I could be proud of having doing... Hell! I wanted the chance to become a Forest Ranger! Thinking I had no direction feeling lost and at my lowest point. The phone rang it was an Army recruiter long story short,  I joined the U.S. Army serving the county. Now this fixed two problems I had at the same time. Now I had a job and a direction I could be proud of. Three weeks into my basic training, I called my mother that's when she told me the scholarship people had called, to let me know the scholarship was mine if I still wanted it. She let them know I had joined the Army. It was one of many paths I've not taken, I didn't and still don't regret my decision. Because it was the best choice I thought I had at the time I made it. At that time the only other choice I was told and believed I had was to find a job working for minimum wage for the rest of my life. Everything worked out the way it should. Learning a lesson that's still true today. Not everything I am told is the truth, when it come to that I capable of accomplishing and at times that also includes me!

In less then 24 hours I was on a plane going to Basic training. When I got to Fort Jackson in South Carolina the Army used WBGT* index category for work and rest and being from Minnesota I'm very glad they did, it worked fairly will I only had heat exhaustion four or five times. So since I couldn't to much I decided to fix it so next year when it starts to get hot I'll have a guideline for next year, instead of relearning my lesson over again next year.

This is globe standard:                                                  My M.S
Category          Temperature           work / rest         work/rest
                1            78-81.9                     40 / 20              30/30
(green) 2            82-84.9                    30 / 30              20/40
(yellow)3             85-87.9                    30 / 30              10/50
(red)     4             88-89.9                    20 / 40               5/55
(black) 5               > 90                         10 / 50               0/60

For each hour of work using this chart decrease work by 10 minutes and increase rest by 20 minutes, anything after 4 hours increase rest by one hour.

Oh my what a week!

2011-07-01T13:51:00.001-05:00

Now that the sun has come out and the rain has stopped, maybe now my little garden will really start growing, I have cucumbers, green beans and two kinds of tomatoes. Bell peppers I've planted three so some will be green, yellow and red. The herbs have loved this cool wet weather and are doing great, I've already been harvesting and if they keep this up I'll need to thin them out quite a bit. Some I'll move into the house for the winter, I just love having fresh herb's to cook with in winter, I've also been thinking I may want to make herb bag's for the winter season. This year I may have gone over board with the herb's just a bit, okay more then likely way too much. Growing all my herb's in pots, they do like to spread out and for balance I enjoy having some lawn in the yard, to sit out and look at the garden. The herbs I have are: sage, rosemary and thyme and no because of the song. Three kinds of mint spearmint, chocolate and English. As well as sweet and purple basil, Italian oregano, tarragon and marjoram yep that's it.

My neighbors tell me my yard smells good enough to eat. Living inside of the city it does stink from all the pollution, it's the reason I don't hang my wash out on the line to dry, the smell alone makes me nauseous, having that pollution next in my skin now somebody tell me how that can be good. Just because something smells good does not make it clean. Sorry I didn't mean to go off on a tangent like that.

Oh well now lets go back to the garden. Last year I thought I had killed all of my hosta for sure! Of course I was wrong yet again for they are the bigger then they have ever been. The weather has been perfect cool and wet, now all I need is sunshine and just enough heat to have a good crop, hopefully better then last year at the very least.

To one and to all, my is hope as we celebrate summer we remember to take to time out to just smell the flowers. To not hold back the joy of learning some new. Spending time with the people you love and taking the time to share with the people who love you.

It's just a high pitched ringing in my right ear.

2011-06-28T07:15:00.001-05:00

Yep it's not a big deal when it lasts for just a few hours, when goes on for days oh man it gets on my nerves. Wanting it to lower it's pitch just a bit. There seems nothing I do matters not even a bit. No longer am I counting the days or the hours,

now it's been going on for over 5 weeks. Enough is enough this has been going on far to long, I need answers and I need them now! Tinnitus is the name it's called by my Doctor, After checking the options I got from my Doctor, not one dam thing can be done about it! As I'm sure you all know it's just one more little thing that needs to be worked around. Making the adjustments needed will of course take time, in this I am not alone. Everyone has things they must work around, it's just one more thing we all share. To work through all the crap M.S. puts in the way of living life the way we see fit. I haven't found any willing to quit or give up, the battle we fight is won from the inside by the heart and soul.

# 23 Reflection It's up to you

2011-06-23T16:10:00.003-05:00

It's up to you

By Mary K. Mennenga

The only person responsible for your life is you
Unhappy with your life
You have the power to change it
Blaming the way your life is
On something or someone will get you no where
When you risk nothing you'll gain nothing
Putting limits on yourself out of fear of the unknown
Only holds you back
Just because you've never done something before
Doesn't mean you can't
Don't let your limitations stop you from learning
What your abilities and capabilities are
Growth is uncomfortable and unfamiliar
Stretch your mind
Being safe is not the same as playing it safe
Instead of asking why say why not!
Be willing at least to give it a go
Remember you don't know what you don't know

#22 Reflections The bond between friends

2011-06-22T17:49:00.002-05:00

The bond between friends

By Mary K. Mennenga

It's a special bond

It stands up to the test of time

No matter the changes that living life brings

Or the distance between visits

For some unknown reason it remains strong

No matter why we were parted or for how long

The bond of friendship is still there

Not worrying or waiting it's just there

When wanted or needed each may send up a prayer

Asking God to watch over them

We may not speak often or maybe not at all

That doesn't matter

You see it's a matter of history we both shared

It's a bond that's life long

#21 Reflection Did you know?

2011-06-22T11:46:00.001-05:00

Did you know?

By Mary K. Mennenga

Some of the best friends I've had have been animals

People may say that's sad but it's true

This is why

Their unable to hide what their true feelings are

They can't talk so they can't lie

If people would speak the truth

No one would have any reason to second-guess them

When their actions don't backup the words they have spoken

#20 Reflections How things workout

2011-06-19T13:03:00.001-05:00

How things workout

By Mary K. Mennenga

Being disappointed in the way things work out

Is understandable but wanting the world to stop and let me off!

Yes it sounds good but if it did bummer!

It is what it is and nothing I do now will change it

All I can do is to be honest about how I feel

What happens next has never been within my control

History is funny that way I only get one shot at getting it right

The only things I have any control of are...

...My reactions to what comes my way

...How I handle life's ups and downs

...The way I treat people

..The way I allow people to treat me

...The words I say and how I say them

...The choices I make

Things not within my control

Everything and anyone!

Now I think I'm Back for good, hopefully anyway!

2011-06-15T10:42:00.001-05:00

It's been a bit of a rush first my hard drive crashed, wasn't able to save my software, so finds my way wasn't working out well at all. After a day of figuring it out here I am doing better than before and thankfully I kept my files stored on flash drives and not on the computer and my pictures on line and on CDs.

What I've missed is reading all the different kinds of blogs and checking on the news all over the world to get a wider view. Much of what I've missed I'll now start to read, I haven't been idle, the garden is in and growing soon the flowers we planted will bloom, the lawn is growing like a weed truth is most of it is but hey at least it's all green. Soon I'll be posting and reading more, I've missed the M.S. blogger it's where I go for answers a laugh and so much more. Here's a tidbit I got from my Dad "It's okay to drink and drive, just don't drive like you've been drinking that all!"

Yes it's been two weeks

2011-06-13T16:49:00.001-05:00

I'm back kind of have to get everything back up and running.

I understand that rain must fall

2011-05-28T11:52:00.012-05:00

Yes this was first posted on the 25th blogger bugs have hopefully now it is debugged

But I'm sorry too much of a good thing becomes a flood. Living in Minnesota the birth state of the Mississippi, I've walked and swam across it, up here it isn't all that hard to do. I've seen how wide it gets the further south it flows, all the way to the gulf of Mexico. Having heard it called the Mighty Mississippi it doesn't often seem so mighty from all the way up here.

Last year Summer came first then we had our spring and then back to Summer, it was like Mother Nature just wasn't able to make up her mind. Fall came with Winter and the temperature took a dive, way below the averages the ground wasn't even frozen, when we got a foot of snow, before Fall was over we had five feet of snow. December came and by it's end we set the all time record for the most snow fall that's not easy to do up here. January and February are normally the coldest months of the year, it gets so cold it's just too cold to snow. This year was different even though the temperatures show it was too cold for snow we got a lot more snow. Here we don't get above 32 degrees for three to four months in winter. Most of the snow is still here until spring and what melting gets done is only from the sun. The spring was cold we had our last snow fall the first week of May and last weekend was the end of having frost. Now we are getting the spring rain that should have started in March, right now I'm glad it's waited so long with all the flooding that's happening down south. To see the Mississippi river turn into such a deadly and costly force isn't something I've ever seen before or want to see again. I pray for all affected by this spring weather that's been so deadly as well as fierce.

Some have said the weather doesn't have anything to do with what the human race has done! To me it seems are they really that blind. Just look at the foot print we have put upon the earth and on the seas as well, is it that we just don't want to see. For all we've taken from this rock that we call home, there maybe a price we need to pay. The world it's self is changing and maybe it's time for us to do the same. Hopefully we will see we need the earth to live and realize it has no need us at all and as it's stewards I think we have failed miserably. Well that's the way it looks to me.

Now maybe comments can be added sorry blogger bugs.

Mother, Grandmother, Auntie and Friend

2011-05-19T13:50:00.001-05:00

By Adele K. Mennenga

Written by Mary K. Mennenga

The love she's given

Has always been unconditional and never waived

She said, "I don't love anyone the most

I've only loved them longer, that's all."

She never felt qualified to judge anyone

She has always known

"You've done the best you could with the hand

You've been dealt and that

Your best has always been good enough for her"

The love she shared reminds us

Life is a journey we haven't taken alone

So just take it as it comes and enjoy it

Remembering that dying is just the last piece

Of living we'll do and life goes on

The accomplishments she was the most proud of are:

Shooting 100% in basketball. All the children she taught to tie shoes could. She had something good to say about everyone. No has always meant No and it never ever meant maybe! She would give advice if you used it or not, all she wanted was to give you more options. She used cliches to teach life lessons. When hearing them repeated to the next generation, she knew we had learned the significance of keeping it simple.

We wrote this together shorty before she passed away. That basketball shot was from the top step going in our back door, the basketball hoop was 15 feet away and it was nothing but net, after she made it she was asked repetitively to do it again, her reply was; "Why? I can't improve on perfection now can I!" It was the first and last time she ever shot a basketball, no matter how hard we tried over the years to get her to she never would.

She didn't want me to be sad about her passing it's why life works you see is what she always said to me. Still I hear her words and wisdom coming from deep inside of me, more so when I'm being a bone head of course!

#18 Reflections An ending maybe or not

2011-05-17T13:08:00.001-05:00

An ending maybe or not

By Mary K. Mennenga

Then someone we love dies

The effect they had on us is a part of who we are

How long we knew them isn't important

What we've gained having had them in our life is!

Each time we let our heart touch another

We get a chance to see life from a different perspective

It's a gift we gave each other for no one sees the same
Realizing the heart is capable of holding a lifetime of loves
And it always has room enough for more
The person isn't truly gone when
You've made a place for them within your heart
And as you walk your path through life
Your heart will help to guide your way

I just didn't realize I would live to be this old!

2011-05-13T18:04:00.002-05:00

Now I'm forty nine and just when did that happen? Oh yes, it was last Sunday, I guess I'm really not all that old!

Having lived this long and having no real regrets, knowing I'm not the same person I used to be. Realizing I've done the best I could, the choices I made were the best options for me at the time I made them. Second guessing the choices I made and the things I did isn't of value. Admitting there is nothing I can do now that could change the past and having no plan to try rewriting my history. It seems life is about learning as you live it, growing into the person you think you should be takes time and it's painful at times. Believing that everything will work out the way it's supposed to in the end.

Looking back helps me see how far I've come and how far I still need to go, to be the person I want to be. Some life lessons take longer to learn, it's a good thing I have a lifetime to learn.

#17 Reflections To the few who feel the help given wasn't much help

2011-05-03T20:55:00.001-05:00

This is for the few who feel the help they've given

Wasn't much help at all

By Mary K. Mennenga

Thinking you didn't do enough or feeling you failed

To help a friend is something many have felt before

Each person reacts differently to feeling this way

Many will accept they did the best the could

A few will feel they should or could have done more

Dismissing all they had done that had helped

It is to the few that I would like them to understand

Your choice to take action was from your heart

It did more good than you may know

You took the time to show you cared

What a difference that's made for me

To see your light of hope shine through

The darkness I'd gotten stuck within

Because of your actions I've renewed my hope again

With hope comes faith and you've shown love

That means a great deal to me

#16 Reflections In the span of life

2011-04-28T17:25:00.003-05:00

In the span of life

It's the middle that matters

By Mary K. Mennenga

Learning your capable of doing something doesn't mean you should
Time teaches us we aren't as smart as we thought
When we become willing to admit this, that's when growth begins
We no longer need to be told what someone else thinks
The answer to our question is
We begin to seek out the answers for ourselves
To the questions that the answers bring to mind
Creating even more answers that need questioning
As we begin to make decisions about what we believe the truth is
Who we are and what's important to us and why
We learn that each choice we make will change
What choices and options are available to us
It becomes a lifelong cycle of questions, answers
Learning and personal growth making decisions and choices
It's a kind of learning that you learn as you go
So don't judge yourself too harshly
This never-ending cycle helps you become
The person you know you want to be
It's a journey that no matter what you do
Still takes a lifetime to finish

#15 of Reflections What do you really mean?

2011-04-24T23:22:00.001-05:00

What to you really mean?

By Mary K. Mennenga

It's seems people don't mean what they've said

So they'll say what they think you want to hear

Instead of the truth because it might hurt your feelings
When it's a friend whose opinion is valued
Isn't able or willing to be honest about what they think or feel
It leaves a feeling of mistrust and questioning
What else has been said because it was what they thought
you wanted to hear?
When a friend you care enough about to ask their opinion
Isn't capable of being honest
What is the basis of the friendship if it's not based?
On honesty, mutual respect, and understanding
Should it still be called a friendship?

Hearing the truth from a friend is easier to take
Then learning what I've been told wasn't true!

My birthday falls on Mothers day this year

2011-04-21T19:38:00.001-05:00

It didn't happen often just enough for my Mom and I to have fun with it. One year I asked her "So what do you want for Mothers day?" Mom said "I already got my Mothers day gift I have my three kids and that's all I ever wanted. And what do you want for your Birthday?" Two can play at this game, knowing she would react and there would be nothing she could do about it. So I told her the truth I got what I wanted already! she said "oh no you don't, you can't use mine!" My reply was, of course I can't may I finish? "yes!" Mom it is a gift I've only recently received from you and it's of your friendship, no tears or arguments. From that point on when my birthday fell on Mother's day. The gift we gave each other was of spending time together not always on Mother's day, I do have two brothers who love her as I do. She was the glue that held her family together. As a child knowing how much everyone within her family loved her and she loved them. I felt a bit jealous so I asked her, who do you love the most? This is how she put it to me "I don't love anyone the most, I've only loved them longer that all! Now as for you and your brothers I loved each of you even before you were born." After that I understood and didn't mind sharing her with any of the people she loved, I knew they all loved her just as much as I did.

The only thing I could honestly say I miss are her phone calls, for many years we had talked at the very least once a day. The last few years before she passed away, we had talked multiple times each day, we talked about everything and nothing for hours at a time. If by chance she called and I didn't answer, she could and did leave up to 20 messages on my phone in about 15 minutes, how she could was amazing to me. She worried about me more then she needed too, I tried to calm her fears but nothing I could do or say would calm her. So I started taking the phone with me everywhere. That worked fairly well unless I forgot it somewhere. If I were to wish, (which I don't do) it would be for her to call me, so could hear her voice once more. Hearing her in my head and heart just isn't the same some how. I can't really say I miss her because I feel her around me and she is the best part of who I am. When I make a bone headed decision, I can hear she saying "Well that's not the choice I would have made, however it wasn't my choice to make was it." Needless to say I've been hearing that one quite a bit lately.

I would say most if not all of my writings have been influenced by her in one way or another. She was the one who gave me the tools to find the questions I needed to find answers for. When she learned time was a commodity she didn't have much of. The main thing she asked of me was, if I would at least try wearing more bright colors, so I am and starting to like it too. She wanted me to remember "That dying is just the last piece of living we have to get done. So if you don't handle death well, then I didn't do a very good job of teaching you about life now did I!" And yes that does have guilt written all over it. The last was: Life will go on, it must because that's why life works.

#14 Reflections The thing about worry

2011-04-20T12:16:00.001-05:00

The thing about worry

By Mary K. Mennenga

That you may not know is

Nothing changes because you worried about it

What's the reasoning behind all that worrying?

Or was it to give you something to do

As you wait to find out what has happened

About something you had no control of

What the outcome would be anyway

So what good did you gain from all that worrying?

That is a question I haven't heard an answer to

That justifies the amount of stress it causes!

#12 Reflections "Words"

2011-04-17T18:55:00.005-05:00

Words

By Mary K Mennenga

Words are used to convey

Thought, feelings, intent or information

The lack of words can say more than you may think

Words have no meaning if
There's no action to back them up

So let your actions speak your words for you

It takes the guesswork out of

What your trying to say

If my wishes were rainbows that all I would ever see!

2011-04-17T09:44:00.001-05:00

So it isn't something I do often, partly because if I did rainbows won't be so special. Because I wasn't feeling the best after the trip to Florida. I'm feeling much better now that what goes in stays in, almost all of the time and eating more solid food, each day is bringing my energy level up.

Now I've never been any good at taking it easy, I always feel I should be doing something. Considering this I'm not as smart as I like think I am. As proof not like I need any more! I pushed myself too hard again and bruised two rib's, smooth move will I ever learn? (A rhetorical question) I will start paying better attention to what my body is trying to tell me. Because the price continues to go up each time, I don't listen and I can't afford it anymore. So with all this down time I've been reading blogs, seeing how other people handle life's ups and downs. Realizing no one is alone in wanting and needing to find new ways to help themselves. Seeing how other people have found way's around similar problems, giving me a different perspective and the ability see options I hadn't realized were there before. Seeing people who aren't willing to let stumbling block get in the way of living life, instead they turn those stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

Like most people I stumble a bit from time to time both physically and emotionally. Finding balance isn't easy for anyone because, life has so many choices that have to be made. With each choice made it changes what the next choices may or could be.

Throughout life things happen that can turn life upside down. All the plans and goals that had been set, need to be adjusted life becomes complicated. Feeling out of control of what is going to happen next, no matter who you are it gets to everyone no matter if it's big or small. How each person chooses to handle it, isn't open for debate, each person will decide what's the best way for them to move forward. All anyone else can do to help is to support them.

# 10 of Reflections Why Not!

2011-04-14T13:42:00.001-05:00

Why Not!

By Mary K. Mennenga

Take life head on experience it taking the good with the bad

Stay true to yourself never quit or give up

Take it as it comes then making adjustments to what it brings your way

Live life your way or it's not your life your living

Joy and sadness are pieces of a life that's being lived

Living is about taking risks you'll get hurt that's true!

Don't willingly miss out on the joys of living out of fear of being hurt

No matter the path you choose to take, each ends at the same point

Find your joy it's what makes life worth living

Remember a job is how to make money so you can afford to do what you love and makes you happy and nothing more

Cherish the good the mistakes you've made in the past were not made by who you are today.

So let the past be about lessons learned and let it go already!

Stop using it as a weapon to hold you back from living

Life is way too short for that!

Nope M.S. didn't stop me from taking vacation!

2011-04-09T17:31:00.001-05:00

Getting ready for our first vacation in many years, what a rush and it's my first vacation since learning I have M.S. heading to Fort Meyers beach, Florida. Needing to get away from old man winter for the first time in my life. Watching the news reports from Japan and around the world as well as here at home. Not having any control of what is happening or what will happen next. I'm not going to worry about it because I'm leaving in a few short hours, So I'll finish this after I get back and then I'll title it. So away I go until later which no one we notice the passage of time but me.

Okay we are back and I've posted my pictures on facebook and yes I'm behind every one of them just the way I like it. The suitcases are emptied and cleaned up and stored away. I've been putting this off for as long as I can, for my own selfish reasons. Oh well here goes, I'll just let the chips fell where they may!

It was truly wonderful to see the ocean for the first time. The flight was great as was the resort, the room on third floor was beautiful the balcony was the best part, taking pictures of the sunset everyday it really was a once in a life time vacation. Everything was laid back and easy, the food was very good. It was almost perfect until I got stubborn on our second day there. I wanted so badly to go to the sea shore we reserved a beach wheelchair and I didn't want to not use it, in case someone else wanted to use it to go down to the beach because I had only seen the one. By the time we got to the beach it was high noon, yep silly me it was also 88 degrees, so after being down there for a half hour. My M.S. and the heat I realized my mistake when I tried to speak all that came was sound. Jane said "she's having a stroke!" I tried to say no I'm just overheated but what came out, only reinforced what she was thinking! Now the main point of this trip was suppose to be to help Jane relax and for me to see the ocean and as my care giver in training as Jane calls herself. Jane has her own set of health issues. That have come up recently and the best way to help her is for her to stay calm and to limit the amount of stress she's under! My dumb shit way of thinking wasn't over yet, not by a long shot. The next morning I made the decision I could go down to the sea shore using my walker, yep sounds like a plan for disaster! It was about 63 degrees. And Yes I did make it to the shore and on the way back, I wasn't willing to admitted my mistake Well needless to say I was wrong again. Writing too many checks my body isn't capable of cashing. When we got up to the room Jane was so kind and said "I think we should hang out in the room today I'm tired and it going to get hot again today." Jane made a few trip down to visit with her sister Char, she didn't stay for very long we had room service for lunch. That night we went out to eat with Jane's sister Char and her son Steve to a very nice place the main course was nothing to write home about. After that we went back to our room and sat out on the balcony just listening to the waves hitting the shore it was a very nice way to end the day. Wednesday I woke up with that scary kind of sick, I think that enough detail, the long and short of it a supervisor came to check me and called an ambulance it was a side trip I really hadn't planned on. After all the test were done and 6 hour later, Jane told the Doctor we would be flying home the next day they released me and told to follow up with my doctor the next day. My diagnoses was heat exhaustion, food poisoning complicated by my M.S. drugs It was a long and uncomfortable flight home. There's honestly is no place like home when you feel like crap.

On Friday I woke up feeling just as bad as I did in Florida the only difference was I hadn't eaten anything, so I called the V.A. and was told I should come in. Yep Jane was as unhappy about it as I was. After 7 hours of tests I was told: liquids only and nothing solid, until no more ( mud pies ) for 5 days ! I think you all understand what I'm saying. So after 9 day of only liquids, I'm back on solid foods again I did miss chewing food more than I thought I would. Even with the two side trips it really was a vacation of a lifetime and we both have no regrets. For me getting to touch the ocean, the biggest force on the surface of the earth that was more than I could have asked for. To see just how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of the world is priceless!

For both of us, it truly was a great trip and a trip of a lifetime.

#11 of Reflections To a dear friend

2011-04-05T19:40:00.001-05:00

To a dear friend

Who knows this could even be about you!

By Mary K. Mennenga
Inspired by a very dear friend

My dear Friend,

You'll not always do or say the right thing, that isn't as important as being there because you cared enough to be a friend and that's what was needed. Your friendship has shown me that life takes a lifetime to understand. With your willingness to share your time, talents and passion to help others whenever, you see pain and suffering you do all you can to help. You'll down play all you've done saying things like; "It wasn't much I only made a CD. I only went to visit them; I could or should have done more. It wasn't a big deal, I wasn't doing anything anyway." You feel what you did wasn't of much help, even when we try to thank and tell you how what you did had helped each of us a great deal. Then you'll say "It was the least I could do". Your only human but you want to be all things to everyone who you know is in need. So you push yourself so hard, you forget to take care of you. Then when you do take time to take care of you, you feel bad about it. Everyone has limits even you my friend!

If I know you at all your probably sitting there reading this and thinking that I don't know the real you. You judge yourself so harshly your unable to see, hear or believe when people try to tell you what a wonderful person you are and how glad we are to have you as a friend! All you seem to see are your shortcomings; your self-doubt isn't allowing you to see the truth. So you only look inward and make yourself both judge and prosecutor with no one to defend you. Because you've disregarded any of the positive things that people have said about you, which isn't a fair trial.

Now my dear friend, the next time you decide to stand in judgment of yourself. Take all the nice things that people have said about you as fact, whether you believe it or not because it's the truth as your defense. Now let God be the judge, God knows your heart even better than you do and God is fair. You don't seem to understand or see how much you are loved, for just being you. I pray one day you will realize how blessed I feel having you in my life.

Your friend with love and heartfelt thanks, Mary

# 9 Of my reflections Life as I see it

2011-04-01T20:07:00.002-05:00

Life as I see it

By Mary Mennenga

Life isn't hard but living is a trial

That starts the first time we say "NO" to our parents

It's the first decision we make as a person

Parents can teach us that we have options

But where we go from there becomes a choice

This when we start learning that with choices comes consequences

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction

Now will we be negative or positive

Being negative is easy however it's much harder to over come

Being positive is a way of living looking forward

Negativity pushes everything away

Positivity draws everything toward it yet it repeals negativity

As with everything it depends on your prospective

And that's always relative

# 8 of my reflection's Why Do You...

2011-04-01T15:19:00.001-05:00

WHY DO YOU...

...Not believe people when we say nice things about you

...Always think you fall short of some list no one is keeping but YOU

... Keep thinking you've let others down

...Feel people are disappointed in you

...Set standards for yourself that only God can reach

WHY DON'T YOU...

...Accept that people think you're kind of wonderful

...Understand your human so stop keeping score

...Just do the best you can it's always more than good enough

...See that disappointments are just a fact of life

... Take each day as it comes and live every minute of it

...Realize your loved not because of what you do, but because of who you are

...Learn mistakes you think you've made were only life lessons you hadn't learned yet

...Understand you've helped a great deal because you took the time to show you cared

...See you've made life a little easier just by being here.

By Mary K. Mennenga

Learning... With a small prayer

2011-03-28T20:26:00.002-05:00

Learning is the one thing I never want to stop doing. Needing to step outside myself, to challenge what I think I know, understanding that I don't know what I don't know. Yes if you think about how could anyone. Unless I think about questions about what I've been told the facts are, I really don't know. The only thing I know is what one person believes the facts are from the research they have done. Anyone can find fact's to reinforce what they think and feel the truth is because it was what they were looking for!

With all research if I only look for what supports what I think and feel is the right answer and don't examine all sides equally, I don't believe finding the truth can be done. Even when I do believe I've found the truth, it's still only how I interpret the information I've learned. As with all things in life it's breaks down to, every individuals right to decide what they believe the truth is for themselves. When we disagree and we will, have and do disagree what the TRUTH IS. We can continue to pass judgment on one another or learn that because every person is not the same. That by working through our differences together with understanding instead of judgement and hate. To stop using scapegoating and or blaming one for another misfortune or by casting one group of people aside because some believe they have and are of no real value and aren't worth what it will cost to help them. Is this the kind of world anyone has wished for or wanted to see come to pass? For me history is written every day, so I can not judge it. Because I'm apart of what it will become as are all of us.

It will be many generations in the future that will be doing the judging. Because they will have seen what the fruits of our choices had become. As we have learned from history so shall they as well.

So all I'm able to do is pray: Dear Lord, Thank you for this day and for all the ups and downs that it will bring. So I can continue to learn that it's by your grace I'm free. Teach me how to put other's first, to show kindness and understanding always, as you know I do my best but I will fail and fall-short from time to time. Lord help me to remember that I'm flawed and unqualified to stand in judgement of other's and to leave the judging to thee. When this day comes to it's ends please lord grant me rest, thank you lord for giving me this day it was a gift and I hope you'll grant me one more, if not I'll leave with no regrets, either way I'll see you when I wake. Amen

A dreamer's dream

2011-03-09T15:17:00.002-06:00

Dreams help us see opportunities that could be, if we'll stop looking at all the impossibility and see the possibility. Throughout human history people have said that's impossible! That is until a person did what others thought and told all who would listen could never be done. Placing labels on that person, as a dreamer out of touch with how the world works. In every way trying to stop a dreamer from dreaming, by telling them "who do you think you are your no one special! Your just not smart enough! Look at the risk your taking, your just going to fail so why waste your time trying and just except that this is as good as it gets!" The list goes on and on. That's the rub you see, how many times in your life have you been told something like that or worst yet told yourself that? Defeating yourself even before you start. Bringing a dream into reality takes time, and a lot of work and learning to deal with setbacks and a little luck. As for the risk, only you are capable of deciding if it's worth the risk or not.

For me if I risk nothing I'll gain nothing, so I say why not give it a shot, with each attempt that ends in failure teaches me something I didn't know before. That's how we all learn.

Having seen dreamers making such a huge difference in my life and the life of other's. I really do believe we need dreamers and the work they have done and are still doing will continue to change the world. Hope for the future is becoming a reality around the world as we all began to learn that each and everyone of us, are all members of the human race.

Time for a vacation M.S. isn't sure I should go

2011-03-02T21:17:00.001-06:00

A real vacation getting on a plane going to Florida, staying in a resort with an ocean view on the beach. It's been a long time since we've gone on a vacation like this. The last one was over 15 years ago. Lately I'd been doing fairly good, that is until four weeks ago, my right rotator-cuff goes nut's can't use it frozen go to urgent care get it checked, long story short it's calcium depots get them broken up and taken care of. Started working on recovering pain level is much improved, being careful not to push to hard.

Knowing I need both arm's to use my apparatus a stand up walker I use to get around. Needing to use my left hand and arm which is the weaker of the two. What decides to rear it head! Yep my brains inability to tell my muscle to stop pulling or is it my muscle telling the brain I'm done! So the tendonitis in my right elbow and the pain it causes makes it impossible to use it at all back to the Doctor I go, the news isn't what I had hoped for, the rehab will take 4 to 6 weeks. I'm leaving for Florida in two! I'll say this about M.S. it's timing is horseshit!

Will I let it stop me from having as much fun as I'm able? Or listening to the waves hit the shore as I watch the sun slowly setting into the sea? Nope! You see M.S. may slow me down from time to time but it can never stop me from being me. I'm not in control of what it takes. How I handle what it takes is definitely within my control! The way I see it M.S. can't win, a war I've already won by just continuing to be me.

#13 of reflections The truth about guilt 3/1/11

2011-03-01T19:41:00.003-06:00

The truth about guilt

By Mary K. Mennenga

Guilt as an emotion is what

People use to get what they want

The only way it's able to work is if you buy into it

Honestly only you can make yourself feel guilty

Of course people will use words to reinforce your interpretation

Of what they've said to help you in feeling guilty

It's more about your interpretation of what was said

Take great care whenever buying into guilt

Because if guilt is the reason behind your actions

Your actions will have little meaning

Because it's become something you have to do

Instead of what you want to do

# 6 Reflections At what cost

2011-02-28T13:48:00.003-06:00

At what cost

By Mary K. Mennenga

When you love it fills the heart with joy

When it's gone the feelings of loss and emptiness
Can become so overwhelming

Each day waking wishing for just one more day

But knowing that would never be enough

As time passes realizing a love that remembered

Isn't really ever gone
The heart is amazingly capable of holding a lifetime of loves
Each love that's shared changes and teaches
That with love comes great joy that fills the heart
With acceptance and a sense of belonging
Not to but with someone
Making the impossible seem almost possible

# 5 Reflections Love is not blind

2011-02-18T11:36:00.001-06:00

Love is not blind

By Mary K. Mennenga

However by focusing so tightly on one aspect of life

It distorts everything even what we've been focusing in on

By taking a step back and widening our view

We realize our life hasn't really changed

Only our focus had changed

We begin to see opportunities instead of obstacles

Understanding the adjustments needed

Will have to come from within

To open ourselves to all the wonders living life has to offer

By keeping our focus on all the love we have to share

We are less likely to lose our focus on all aspects

Of loving the life we are living

# 4 Reflections Without hope

2011-02-16T18:21:00.002-06:00

Without hope

By Mary K. Mennenga

It's been said all we need is love

Without faith are we really capable of love?

If we'll put hope first fear and hate can't gain a hold

Faith that the sun will rise and set each day is the first step

In learning each dawn brings a new day

Will we choose to fill each day with love and a zest for living!

Where trust and joy are more than just words

Where hopelessness and fear have no power

Realizing all things good or bad in time will pass

How will you measure your life

Do you feel you truly lived your life

Why it may seem I don't write about m.s.

2011-02-16T14:20:00.001-06:00

Yep I have multiple sclerosis however it will never define who I am, does it impact my life of course. That doesn't mean I'm willing to let it take control of me or change who I've always been. Everyone has things they must deal with to continue being who they are some big and some small. No matter it's name if your going to die from it or if you wish it would just get it over with and kill you. No matter what we are all going to die it's just the way life works, nothing anybody does will stop it from happening, well not yet anyway.

The only part we are responsible for and have any control of is the living part. Each one of us needs to decide for ourselves if and how we are going deal with the hand that life has dealt us. This is a choice with no right or wrong answer and one only you can make it.

As for me I will not quit or give into fear or hopelessness, m.s. is just one piece of my life and I refuse to give it anymore power than it already has. It's the reason why I titled my blog. It is what it is, until it isn't what it once was. Whatever life bring my way I'll handle it, it's my life and I will not let anything stand in my way of living. Does that mean I accept everything it does to me NO! Do I think the way I look at is the right way goodness no! It's just the way I've found that works for me. It's taken a long time and a great deal of misdirected anger on my part to get to the point of accepting I'm not in control of what it does to me. All I can do is make the adjustments I need to, so I can continue just being who I've always been me.

My reflections #1 My Dream

2011-02-06T12:02:00.001-06:00

This wasn't my first it is the one that started my putting them together as My written reflections. This I wrote after waking from this dream I had, shortly after the death of our dog Honey Girl. The reason I wrote it in two different formats is because my mother wanted more details, since she was the first person I had told about it, she already knew the details and liked it in the story form, other people liked it better this way so I kept them both.

My Dream

By Mary K Mennenga

Last night I had a dream about

All the dogs, cats and animals I've known

It was an odd dream because we understood each other

We knew it wasn't my time to be there, I was just visiting

Rusty came running towards me with the same ball he had when I found him

Right behind him was Honey Girl without a rock

As we were greeting each each other I noticed they both had all their teeth

They always have toys, balls and someone to play with

As we played all our favorite games, running and swimming

Without pain or fatigue for anyone of us

As we laid in the grass in the shade of a tree

Tony a squirrel I had helped came down and sat on my shoulder

As I looked around I saw all the wild animals

I had watched throughout my life

I felt them welcoming me to stay awhile longer

Everyone started stirring so we started playing again

Then I heard a dog whine so softly, the dogs started walking away

The dream started fading away I didn't want it to end

Calling for Honey Girl three more times

She finally turned and smiled I realized it was time to go

The whining got louder waking slowly

I called Grey Girl she came to the side of the bed

I tried getting out of bed but this is the real world and I have M.S.

Giving Grey Girl hugs and petting her until I was able to get myself out of bed

It was the best sleep I've had in years

Waking with so little pain I know we will be whole again

Until then I'll settle for visiting them in my dreams

Winter came early this year!

2011-02-05T13:15:00.003-06:00

And it's shaping up to be a wild one all over the world. In my little spot in the world, it's a mess and I'm running out of places to put all the snow because here we don't get above 32 degrees more than a hand full of times until March, which is also your snowiest month of the year. What the sun manages to melt, just ends up becoming ice when the sun goes down anyway. When spring finally does come to us in Minnesota I feel sorry for anyone living near the Mississippi and Minnesota rivers because they will both reach flood stage and stay that way for awhile. The Mississippi flow south all the way to the gulf of Mexico. The Minnesota is more problematic because it flows south through St. Paul then slowly turns to flow north to Canada so it floods almost every year. Knowing that everyone is or will be needing to deal with some kind of weather or the after math of this weather, that hasn't been seen before. Some may say it's a sign of the end of days, sorry but I strongly disagree after taking the life blood out of the earth, at such a high rate for so many years, I think every thing that's happening now is related to what humans have done. We think we're so smart without looking at cause and affect of what our actions will have on this planet we call home.

This last part took on a life of it's own, it is what I think and how I feel so I'm going to keep it in. Realizing if we don't start learning from history. It will continue repeating it until the day we finally understand when greed is allowed to remain unchecked a free market sytem only works for a few and not for everyone. As most of us know a free lunch isn't really free.

How many civilizations have died off that we don't know the reasons why? In the last hundred years, we have learned many things that's true, in all honesty we know more about outer space then we know about how this planet works and why it works. Everything has a price tag if people need it to survive the price goes up if people don't want it anymore it's value becomes zero. When the life of one person becomes more valuable then another and when profits are more important then the people who made the products that made the profits in the first place. The stock market is a form of gambling that can, has and will be manipulated by a few and wall street always wins. Going public by putting your company in the stock market is the fastest way of losing control of it. Because once other people own shares you end up working for them instead of doing what best for you and the people that work for you. The love of money is greed and wall street doesn't produce anything yet the ceos make up to a 100,000% more than the lowest paid employee, I don't believe that's a wise way of doing business, however it will make you very rich. But at what cost?

# 3 of Reflections What I've learned so far

2011-01-20T22:21:00.001-06:00

What I've learned so far

By Mary K. Mennenga

Is that every choice made is a path not taken

Any mean word said will be regretted

Any act of kindness was returned ten times over

Worrying is a waste of time, energy and accomplishes nothing

Always show that people have value

Judge yourself and live by standards

Remember

To do the best you can with what you've got

Knowing your best is always good enough

My reflections # 52 Meaning The Most

2011-01-19T17:23:00.001-06:00

Meaning the most

By Mary K. Mennenga

The age of things isn't what makes them old

Because new things can get old real fast and I'm sure we can all relate to that

To me it's the history of things that makes them comforting

My memories take me back to what I feel today, was a much simpler and an easier time

Then I wonder if next I remember, will this have been an simpler time in my life?

The past has a way of giving life perspective and life is a lesson in the little things

Realizing now it's been the little things that people did

That ended up meaning the most.

# 2 of reflections My Dearest Love

2011-01-12T21:11:00.003-06:00

My Dearest Love
By Mary K. Mennenga

It was love at first sight
Our love and bond deepened with each passing year
It didn't matter if I was gone for minutes or hours
Your greeting showed how much you loved me
When I had chores to do you tried to help but being all paws you weren't much help at all.
With you by my side every chore was easier and much more fun to do
You could always make me smile with the funny things you would try to do
Our time together had come to an end as we knew it would
It's not goodbye instead I'll see you later my friend
Even though we didn't always understand what the other tried to say I understood
A love that given without condition and judgement is a gift we give ourselves that sets us free.